For a limited time only, get your very own Significant Other! Act now while supplies last!
-Honest and loyal gentleman, complete with door-opening capabilities
-Highly effective at opening jars
-Great at killing spiders (or trapping them humanely and releasing them back into the wild)
-Reaches high shelves with the greatest of ease
-Utilizes proper grammar, differentiates between your and you're, and employs the Oxford Comma
-Versatile for indoor/outdoor use
-Appropriate for all occasions, even family functions and work Christmas parties
No assembly required.
Drama not included.