Instead of writing about myself, I'm confused by all of the following questions, and if you are too, then let me know what your thoughts are:
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?
How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?
Isn't getting Paula Abdul to judge a singing contest is like getting Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest???
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Can you explain a psychologist better than "like a blindfolded auto-mechanic poking around under the hood with a giant foam 'were #1' finger"?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
How the hell is it possible to have a civil war?
You ever get the feeling the pope is free-balling under that robe?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Isn`t trying to catch a fish on plenty of fish comparable to shooting a bullet with a smaller bullet while wearing a blindfold, riding a horse?
Similes - they come to me like..........well, they come to me!
OK, OK, here's a little info about me, I enjoy long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me!
I am not a fan of hoodrats & stupid people, and I'm very self sufficient as long as there's booze, satellite tv, and a maid!
I’m socially liberal - if 2 human beings with similar genitals are in love with each other and want to get married, that’s not an issue for me! It’s like 8 billion and 42nd on my list of things that concern me on a day to day basis… right above 8 billion and 43, which is global warming! One man's 'its the end of the world as we know it' is another man's 'it's kind'a nice out'. I'm not going to use the energy efficient curly-cue light bulbs in my house cause I'm not spending my adult life working to have my living room lit like a fight scene in an eastern block stairwell in the Bourne Ultimatum!
Ok, seriously...my mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash, and it's gone!
What happens when an unstoppable force (you) meets an immovable object (me)??? We'll see... :)
Conversation Starters (i.e. what you'd like to do on a first date...)
Go car shopping, with the single purpose of getting the car salesman to make more scary faces than a mythological Hydra staring into a discoball!!!
For the test drive, ask for a salesperson who doesn't have kids, then, slip on your italian-leather racing gloves, and ask for a helmet! As you're putting the helmet on-sideways- look at the guy through the earholes and say: 'Boy, cars sure have changed since the last time I broke out'!
Tell me that won't do it.
In a recent test drive, I hurt my right pinky finger - I got into a high speed head-on collision with a smart car! I wasn’t sure at first so I got out to look at the grill – nothing, the idiots in the smart car had to be pried out of the car using the melon-ball scoop of life, med-evacuated to ‘what the in the hell were you thinking clinic’ to see why they thought they could tour around on a major surface road in a Fisher Price toy!
Or.....we can think of appropriate use of the "F" word - my ideas are as follows:
"What the @#$% do you mean, we're sinking?" -- Capt. E.J Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
"What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945
"Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938
"It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
"You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
"Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
"Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1998
"Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*ing mad." - Saddam Hussein, 2002
Any other ideas?
Or... Could just read more POF profiles and it'll make you want to drink until the part of the brain that creates mental pictures is dead!