I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling cinder block walls and crushing dry ice with my butt cheeks. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently & occasionally I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and God-like trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed and I cook thirty-minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in Stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Angels. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I am bored, I build large suspension bridges in my front yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding during rush hour over the 405. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and I have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling gypse voyoure group doing pov demonstrations. I bat .400. My floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby****and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room set. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are paid. On weekends to let off steam, I participate in full contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only mold and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet. I have performed open heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis... but I have never tasted the sweetness of your lips.
Ok time out !!!! Let's be serious here for a minute. Now that I have gotten all this bullsh*t out of the way. I just wanted to prove a point that anyone can write anything about themselves on the Internet to sound appealing, but it does not necessarily mean its the truth. So here is just a taste of the real me. I am a bit of a character and I love to laugh. I believe that trust, honesty, communication, loyalty & respect for one another are the keys to a long lasting relationship. Well that's about all I'm going to give you right now. If I have stricken your interest and you would like to know more about me, well then you know where to find me. Thank you for taking the time to read my novel :)
Update : 7/1/17
I'm getting older and am not here to play games. I will not respond to the meet me request. All's that tells me is your just to lazy to read anything about me and are mearly going off of looks. Unacceptable in my book. So if you want to chat then send me a message. It's that simple. Getting a message tells me that you at least took the time to check me out. Even though I didn't really put anything about myself other than I'm a character and feel that laughter makes life all that much better.
So I will leave you with this :
Today I found my first grey hair. That's ok, but that's not the problem. What I didn't expect was to find it in my BigMac