Hey Y'all, the following is meant to be a fun read, tongue-in-cheek, something different from all the other profiles out there. I'm just a nice girl looking to meet a nice guy who doesn't live so far away that getting together is impossible. I can't see 'Meet Me' requests. Write me or at least open my actual profile page.
Looking like Colin Farrell isn't a requirement. Seriously. :-)
Hello, [applicant’s name]!
Thank you for your interest in a position with Amazing Catch, LLC.* While not expressly hiring at the moment, we are always on the lookout for qualified applicants. (If you do not work out we will reference the above disclaimer with a kind but clear “I’m just not really looking for a relationship right now, ya know?”)
Congratulations on making it to the initial interview stage. This means you are handsome, have a 30 Rock quote in your profile, or, if the CEO was three wines deep and letting her friends swipe, seem like you “might be a great guy!” The board welcomes you.
A little about our ideal candidate:
YOU: know how to properly change a flat tire (the CEO does not).
YOU: have a working knowledge of first aid care
YOU: are in favor of six-hour Netflix marathons and snacks that mean business
YOU: are Colin Farrell, but without the baby mommas
Also: Resumes from outside a 20-mile radius of Alexandria will neither be acknowledged nor considered. If you turn out to be the exception to this rule, consider yourself extremely, well, exceptional
Here’s some information about the CEO the board thinks you will find helpful:
Her biggest pet peeve is when people comment on FB articles that they clearly have not actually read. She is, as we speak, contemplating a third cup of pumpkin spice-flavored coffee just because it’s free. The CEO will, without question, spill coffee on your carpet.
She hates talking politics so don’t even start. However a spirited debate about rush hour traffic gets the CEO razzed like a vodka Redbull (which, by the way, you should not let her order). She vacillates between party girl and bookish introvert. Her heart may seem a bit distant and reserved on the outside, but is surprisingly gooey on the inside, like a Peep found three months after Easter.
A word of advice from the board:
Due to a deep-seated insecurity and fear of rejection, the CEO will not make it totally clear that you are her candidate of choice for this position. It is up to you, the applicant, to make your willingness to accept clear, but not, like, stage-five clinger clear, as this will make the CEO immediately claustrophobic and terminate the interview.
The board has tried to reason with the CEO that this method is grossly ambiguous and harmful to long-term profits. All of the board’s efforts thus far have failed, and you are as likely to be axed for one wink emoji as you are for never texting in the first place.
Now, you might be thinking, “Who is in charge here? Head? Heart? Stomach?” or “Is this one of those trendy startups where napping is encouraged?” (Yes.). The board knows this is a complicated business model, but really, the CEO wants what everyone wants: to see, be seen, and be held close during Game of Thrones.
Please don’t read our reviews on Glassdoor.
*We are not actually an LLC. If you must know, we are more like a shell corporation for a shady but mostly legal overseas venture.