Okay, this is a bit of a long read, I know it is, so either grab yourself a drink and get comfy, or if you prefer, here's the TL:DR version: "Outdoorsy introverted geek looking for intelligent confident female, preferably with similar interests"
Hmm, how to write this without falling into the usual cliches such as "I love to laugh" (I kinda want to meet the person who doesn't like to laugh, just to see if such a thing exists) or "I like music" (like every other person on the planet)...
There's an old George Carlin quote, "Everybody says they want you to be honest with them until you're actually honest with them, then they think you're just an ***hole." Well, I'm that ***hole...honest and blunt, only mildly sugarcoating when absolutely necessary for the situation, like the dreaded "Does this make me look fat" question (hey, I said I was an ass, not suicidal). Part of my being an ass comes from being naturally sarcastic...yes, another cliche of dating profiles, but let me quantify it for you: thanks to the movies Ghostbusters and Stripes, I thought Bill Murray was the funniest thing on the planet when I was at the ripe old age of 2 (my parents will confirm this--it should've been the first warning bell that I'd grow up with sarcasm as my native tongue). Between the innate sarcasm and the blunt honesty, I cannot guarantee that I won't offend you (in fact, if you're part of the millennial liberal crowd that regularly needs a "safe space" because words hurt, you should probably move along); on the flip side, I can guarantee you that you will not offend me with anything you say. I may not agree with your opinion, but it's not going to bother me.
I am introverted, and there are days when I don't really want to go anywhere because it's too "people-y" outside...those are typically the days that I curl up with a good book or game. Yes, I am a gamer (and generally a geek in most aspects), which I know carries a certain connotation, especially for guys: out-of-shape frat-boy wannabe, drinking and eating junk food, screaming into a headset while teabagging people in the latest Call of Duty or Halo game. That's not me (other than the weight thing, more on that later)...I don't really enjoy competitive multiplayer, I typically go for games that have a good single player story experience, like Bioshock, Beyond: Two Souls, Mass Effect, Dragon Age, or Horizon Zero Dawn. It's like a really good book or movie, just more interactive (kinda like the old choose-your-own-adventure books).
As you can tell from the pictures, yes, I am a big guy...it happens. It's something I'm working on, though it's likely going to be a long process. After all, I didn't gain the weight overnight, so it'd be foolish to think I'm going to lose it overnight. Don't confuse my weight with my activity level however; I walk more than 5 miles a day (mostly thanks to my job), and whenever the weather's nice, there's a good chance I'm out hiking in a state park (hitting every park in the state is a goal). Something about disconnecting from the electronic world and getting back to nature just helps me bleed off stress and get back into a more zen state or whatnot. Getting outdoors and either just going for a hike or actually camping for a couple nights is my idea of a great weekend...sadly it's something I don't get to do often enough thanks to work. My other hobby that gets me outdoors is photography (mostly natural landscape and wildlife), though I'm an "enthusiastic amateur" at best.
So what am I looking for? Well, obviously this is online dating, not the "build a bae workshop" (--gratuitously stolen from another person's profile), so this isn't a hard and fast set of rules for what I'm looking for, just a general idea (finding someone that matches all of this would be like finding a unicorn). The women I'm generally attracted to are intelligent, both in a book sense and in common sense (which is sadly not common these days), confident, a bit on the geekier side, and able to both give and take when it comes to sarcastic banter. Physically, I prefer my women curvy--in the 50's sense, busty with an hourglass shape but otherwise height-weight proportional...I've never cared for the stick thin anorexic look that the modern media has been pushing as "attractive." Looking like Riki Lecotey (aka Ridd1e) or Jessica Nigri is a serious bonus, though it will set off "bullsh*t-fake-profile" alarms in my head. I'm pretty flexible on a lot of things (though not sure how I feel about the "pre-started family" thing). These are things that, while not guaranteed dealbreakers, will require some pretty damn amazing traits to offset: excessive highly visible tattoos, especially on the chest, hand/forearm, and neck/face (sad that I even have to add that last part), and most facial piercings (other than the typical nostril stud, since it's nearly impossible to find a woman who hasn't done that one these days). These are the guaranteed dealbreakers: gauged piercings anywhere (WTF made you think that's attractive?), smoking and drug use, and certain sexual fetishes--essentially, if you need to bring bodily waste or inflicting/receiving serious pain (like, stuff that's going to leave bruises/lacerations) into the bedroom to have a good time, GTFO now...it saddens me that I have to include that last part, but I've run into some very odd people on the Internet...
So if you've made it this far, congrats to you...maybe there'll be cookies or something as a prize (I do make a wicked caramel-filled chocolate cookie, just ask some of my former co-workers). If you made it this far and want to talk to me, go for it, but please be somewhat creative in your message...here, just to move things along, I'll even save you some time and answer the most common message without you having to type anything: "How am I doing? I'm doing well, thanks." Now you can jump forward to whatever you'd follow up with.
Conversation Starters (i.e. what you'd like to do on a first date...)
Movies are not an option for a first date in my mind, nor is going to a bar/club. After all, I'm out with you to learn about you and to see if we click. Sitting next to one another staring at a huge screen for 2-3 hours is not gonna help with that...I might as well be in the theater alone...However, a small cafe or casual restaurant (think Panera, not Olive Garden) would be a very likely place, since it's possible to have a conversation without bothering others or having to scream to be heard.