Writing a profile should be an artistic endeavor even if it never approaches a level of a work of art. My reticence in constructing this ditty is that in attempting to assemble prophetic prose that casts a luminous beacon on the topography of my inner being as some meaningful missive, I'll instead breathlessly stomp through a moment of self-reflection with the formulaic malaise of vapid self-aggrandizement that I so thoroughly detest and complain about in others. But ultimately my deepest fear is that people will start taking me seriously as an artist, and then I'll become relevant, and then I'll start having to do Lincoln car commercials. I know it sounds crazy, but I'm told this stuff happens. So in the spirit of kowtowing to the cliché, I thought I would offer my version of the over-trodden and formulaic profile. I'm not just saying that because I'm a writer suffering a severe bout of writer's block. That never happens in the real world. The irony of it is just too caustic.
Simply put I am paradoxical, unconventional, self-deprecating, and susceptible to moments of verbosity. Above all, I’m categorically opposed to corny humor. Mine is of the legume variety. If I could make the next rocky sequel, I’d pit Stallone against his toughest opponent yet: the English language. If I incorporate spinach into everything I eat, I find bliss. If I don't it usually means an adverse reaction to a food allergy. I believe there’s ultimate evil in this world, and its name is Bill Belichick. I have a boundless enthusiasm for lost causes. Go Bills. My athletic proficiency is as follows: I’m a better passer than Kobe is, and the first time I tried to catch a fly ball; I got a black eye. I think it's swell when people value the importance of education. I'm really impressed when people can write such a statement in their profile without a barrage of grammatical errors. I once failed my high school English course. If I synthesize a cluster**** of clichés into a sentence it would go something like, ‘I like nextflixing everything I put my mind to with a partner in crime who enjoys long walks carrying my drama-free baggage.’ One time in a Toronto parking lot, Scott Weiland walked up to me and refused to sign my ticket stub. If I ran an awards show like the Grammys, I'd make Kayne sit in the balcony. My jokes are like a Malaysian airliner. Sometimes they don't land.
I swear that I’m not as dark and languid as this profile makes me appear.