Let's see. I am the most amazing person you will have ever met in your entire life and you will feel so blessed to have me in your life because it will be changed to the most amazing experience .... In reality I am big, fat, old, and ugly, without an ounce of common sense or humor. I don't even know what humor is and I will guarantee you that meeting me will make you quickly see that I am the world's most boring person and you will rue the day you agreed to get in touch with me. Then again, why don't I leave it up to you to determine which one, or perhaps someone along the spectrum somewhere in between the two, I really am.
1. What is a hobby? People actually do that?
2. My goals and aspirations: Do I look like a football player to you? I went to the doctor once for a pain in the knee and he stuck a big old needle in it and called it an aspiration - who'd want the? Another time I was talking while eating and aspirated food down my airway - not much better.
3. What makes me unique is me, plain and simple - just check my profile. Have you ever known anybody like me?
4. I did not know you could eat music but I guess it ought to be alright with some bacon on it. Some ketchup would not hurt either.
Conversation Starters (i.e. what you'd like to do on a first date...)
It would be fantastic if you could keep me waiting for a while on our first date. I just LOVE having to wait like a fool. Alternatively, I also enjoy being stood up without notification. If you can make it to the agreed upon place at the agreed upon time, I'd love for you to bring your entire family with you, not just your immediate but, if possible, your entire extended family as well. Should you decide that this would not be sufficient, you might want to consider bringing your neighbors, and perhaps even some co-workers. I am sure things won't be boring or awkward just as long as you'll remember to present me with your entire medical history right from the start - no point in wasting time on something that will come out later anyway, like an enlarged prostate with consequential urinary dribbling, especially while eating. A runny nose can lend itself to further pique my interest in getting to know you better. Oh, and you might as well bring a ring along with you - I wear a size 8 and am allergic to yellow gold - I don't want to have to be bothered with the task of having to think about it first. Let's do this the next day.