Boobs and stuff. Yes, that's right; I wrote it. If you can't take a hint of crude vulgarity, perhaps loosen up. Unfastening your bra may help? Look, I'm not intentionally trying to scare you away. Well, kind of I am. I mean, how does one get a personality across in writing? One doesn't. Consequently, I'm not even going to bother.
It says I should talk about my hobbies and goals and what makes me unique and fun things like that. But the problem with that is.. why?
Honestly, I'm not really looking for anything at the moment. I just like looking at profiles and then critiquing them. I often translate what they are saying with what they really mean. Examples:
"I like having fun!" -- No shit! You don't say? Because I enjoy stamp collecting. It's super fun! Oh! And butt-flossing my dog. What it really means: "I like to get seriously drunk. A lot. And pretend I know how to dance."
"I'm looking for Mr Right!" -- Wow! Originality points! What it really means: "I have a list of 500-1000 requirements about Mr Perfect. If we ever go on a date, I'll be examining your every move and psycho-analyzing the possible ramifications towards our marriage. Failure to meet one of my expectations will immediately result in a nexting. Because I've been too busy fantasizing about my perfect mate, I've neglected my own personal growth. Consequently, I have the personality of a gnat. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY AM I STILL SINGLE!?"
"I want to be friends first!" -- Yes, I too find all my friends through dating websites. Nothing says friendship like awkward human social interactions where you try to figure out what the other feels for you. What it really means: "I want to date a LOT of people under the guise of calling it 'friendship'. This way, I can string the lot of them on while I hunt around for Mr Right.
"I'm looking for a Real Man!" -- Yes, please, challenge my masculinity. Let me know how inferior I am to your awesome Real Womaness. What it really means: "I have no idea what a real man is, but I bet it sparkles in the twilight and ejaculates chocolate."
"I would like to find a good partner in crime" -- Wow! How exciting, I think to myself, she's looking for an adrenaline high like finding the nearest bush and engaging in public indecency! That'd be a great crime! Oh. Wait. No. She just wants to do sh*t like watch chick flicks together. What fun. What it really means: "Oh god, I'm so tired of doing stuff with my married friends. Please please rescue me from the being the fifth wheel! I'm so over being the bridesmaid!"
"I want someone who is motivated and knows what they want in life." Oh plea$e, what I really want in life i$ you, my dear $weet prince$$!! What it really means (other than the obvious) "Please, let me know how much you love me by putting whatever it is you want in life on the back burner for me."
Conversation Starters (i.e. what you'd like to do on a first date...)
The human female evolved to hide her ovulatory phase. Indeed; different phases result in differing attractiveness and different attractions. So, for a woman in her ovulatory phase, she is more attractive and tends to find masculine men more attractive. She's also more likely to take risks and find risk taking behavior more attractive. The flip side of that is during luteal phase she tends to find more feminine men attractive.
Yes, that's right; on the first date I'll be analyzing your menstrual cycle so that I can better exploit it.
Wait -- no! I mean.. coffee and hum drum conversation.
(heh, on a serious note, I kind of creeped myself out with that blurb. I rock. Seriously though, that whole cycle thing is 100% true science. Free tip: if you take hormonal birth control, and you are in the service industry, you are shorting yourself in tips due to the lack of the ovulatory phase. Source is here: http://www.unm.edu/~gfmiller/cycle_effects_on_tips.pdf)
These kinds of messages are why my profile is the way it is:
"Haahaaaa....u r such a nut case...lmfao....lol....funny....almost I am peeing my pants and getting menstrual blood all over wiuld u like me to smear it all in your face?lol....so u can eat it all up?...yum yummm....mmmmm..lol " ---Starbucksguurl
Yes, ladies, THAT is the competition. Suddenly, it all doesn't seem so hopeless, now does it?
To send a message to ineffable01 you MUST meet the following criteria:
Age Between:21 and 34.
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