I got this new profile thingy am writing......
Really really soon now, I'll have some almost incredibly brilliant stuff here. And no, its not like those profiles that say they'll add to it later, oh no, not me! I really am writing something, this very minute!
Ok, now where was i?
I've just realised you can actually send messages to yourself. Ha! Brilliant! I just wrote myself one...
I think i'll go for the more formal kind of profile this time, just above this little box i'm typing away into are POF's 'handy hints & tips' It would be churlish of me to ignore them wouldnt it? So, lets go with what we have...
For your own safety, do not include your name, phone number or address.
So i guess i shouldnt really be telling anyone my name is Dean then.....(ticks imaginary box as proof of having read and understood)
People will read both your profile AND message when deciding if they should write back to you. If your profile is really lame it won't matter how good your message is.
Really? Sound advice indeed, experience tells me something quite different, but, what the hell do i know....shall we move along?
If you want to be successful and not waste your time do this.
This parts in a red font....Oh yes!! i really, really do want to be successful and not waste my valuable time
1. Talk about your hobbies.
2. Talk about your goals/aspirations
3. Talk about youself and what makes you unique.
4. Your taste in music.
No, i dont want to do that, in fact, i need a cup of tea already......And maybe a nap.
So lately i seem to be getting 'blessed' a lot. It makes me almost wish i was religious, surely this is something nice? I dont know why, i shall consider it fortuitous development.
I prefer funerals to weddings.........i prefer the permanency of a funeral, i mean, apart from Jesus (allegedly) nobody else has successfully completed a resurrection. As long as they've had a good innings, there's more than likely a sense of achievement to be gotten from a funeral, not always, but i cant claim to have been at every funeral ever...
So why am i here......in between getting blessed lots, its probably the most common question i get asked, so its worthy of its own paragraph.
I'm here because i have a vested interest in 'you' no, not that person who's picture appeared next to yours in my search, and there's no way on earth did i accidentally click on your profile instead of the hot chick next to yours......In essence, YOU are that hot chick!
The kettles boiled, want a cup? dunkies? Ok, just dont eat them all.
Where was i?
Oh yes, you. You great big sexy bundle of self replicating dna.....If i happened to have looked, the reason is because i did, do i need to explain further? If i even went to the incredibly unusual step of actually sending you a message the reason is also, because i did. Oh! And also because i rated the chance of intelligent response from you to be high...It probably wont have anything to do with me being sexually attracted to you, i use Pof for fun, not frolics (i had to get the word 'frolics' in here somewhere) Oh.....I should add, that if i didnt message you, that didnt mean i thought you were thick. I just dont send many messages, even to you, and by golly are you sexy and clever!
The United States of America section
I get a few messages from Women who live in the states, so this bits for you
Hello USA Woman, i know you will probably find me difficult to understand and will probably wonder what the hell i'm talking about. I say this because i dated one of you once, but dont worry, we all speak the same language when we're naked, in bed and highly aroused (you see where i'm headed here?)
The Scotland bit
I love banter with the Scots, sometimes someone who speaks Jockanese will send me a message, this parts for you
Everythin' Ah say tae ye is geared towards us havin' sexual relations, sae heed thes advice. (errrrr that's only applicable tae th' female scots thocht)
Actually, in a previous existence i was looking for a tale of woe because i didnt have one. I sort of have one now, only a minor one though, but i'm determined to put it in....
Once upon a time, a very nice Scottish Lady sent me a message on pof, i read it, it was very nice (almost to the point of me wanting to bless her) then i decided on a quick clean up and deleted everything, including this really nice message!
So this is my tale of woe, and also an apology....To that lady (i never did find out who she was) I really was supposed to reply and say something nice back.
Moving swiftly on....
Back to the English girls (well, not just them, but mainly them) because they are after all, living in the same country as me and my chances of sex with them are higher....Oh! Sorry, i didnt mean to type that out, what i meant was English girls are the best in the World! It's an honour to live among them......
Ok, i really have to go and get some sugar...
To be continued (again, in a really quick timescale)
I cant believe today has already meandered into the afternoon. Still, at least i'm doing something constructive (pof is afterall, a very serious business as we all know)
And on we drone
So more about me.....
No, no i've said enough, but perhaps i havnt? I find my joy in many avenues including the football terraces of England, the local pub and decent music (my taste of which is pretty much anything depending on mood)I also find joy in people, for varying reasons, it doesnt matter what they're doing, its the manner in which they do it.
And it was written.....
Still here?!?! Thats wonderful, i'm really filling up now that you managed to get this far without nodding off. Do you know, i think we just shared a 'moment'. Yes, i know, you were hoping on it being a slow starting profile, gradually building up to an amazingly hilarious crescendo.....Well, i dont believe in God, but if i'm wrong, i hear he loves a trier....
Check back, i may even update it in the very near future, but then again, i might not and you get to go through the whole same sorry thing again. You have been warned...
Tell you what though, if you did manage the whole thing without contemplating suicide, then you're one of lifes heroes and you really should message me telling me of other heroic things you have done in your life..
I really think this profile is enough, in parts, its very nearly amusing, and in others it wanders off on its own merry way seemingly without rhyme or reason
I think that pretty much sums me up
Elvis has left the building.....