WARNING... THIS PROFILE CONTAINS PROFANITY, HUMOUR AND JUST A TOUCH OF SARCASM. DO NOT READ FURTHER IF EASILY OFFENDED. OH, AND IF YOU FEEL LIKE MESSAGING ME TO INFORM ME THAT I'M A BITTER OLD HAG WHO NEEDS A DAMNED GOOD SEEING TO, OR I'M TOO UGLY FOR YOU, OR I'M A FREAK, OR I SHOULD PERHAPS GET OFF THE SITE. SORRY SOMEONE'S BEEN THERE BEFORE YOU; IT GOT BORING AFTER THE THIRTIETH VERSION.. TA TA SWEETIES XX
I've done the conversational profile, I've done the short and sweet profile; neither of them worked so now let's try the base line 'Sod off weirdo' profile and see if that works!!!
Let’s get the Intent part of this profile out of the way first. Markus in his infinite wisdom offers the option of ‘friend’ but then only offers things like ‘Looking to date but nothing serious, or NSA, or wants to marry etc’ - I don’t know about you but my friends are definitely not up for a quick shag or a few dates before reverting to being friends.
So. No. No dates. No sex. No meets. Just no!
If you’re still intent on reading this profile then remember. You have been warned.
Yes I'm here on a dating site and yet I am utterly uninterested in meeting anyone. This of course means that the beautiful, nubile, desperate young nymphomaniac, who would have screwed your brains out for 23 hours out of every 24 is now unable to join because I took the very last spot!!
Apparently, according to you fabulous gentlemen, I am only here to pr1ck tease, feed my attention seeking personality disorder, boost my ego and basically spoil the whole experience of dating sites just for you!! You’re right of course, that was my sole reason for joining, just to upset you.
As to why I am here at all? Hidden away amongst the Meeting threads is a Forum (https://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingforum97.aspx) and that's my raison d'etre. It used to be fantastic, a real wellspring of wonderfully intelligent people. It’s sadly gone quiet now yet here I stay, resolute and resistant, and still in touch with friends I’ve made who don’t use other social media platforms.
As of this moment, anyone who insists on messaging me with their claims of sharing so many of my interests, or intuitive claims of compatibility, runs the risk of having their pathetic little messages, complete with site names, plastered over this profile to be ridiculed by all and sundry. I will be abusive in any replies. I will be cuttingly sarcastic, I will question your intellect, I will point out spelling and grammatical errors because it amuses me and I will not ever engage in any sexual talk, meet you, send photographs of myself, want to see your pathetic penis, or want to talk about how a No Strings date is really all I need.
Now bugger off the lot of you, I'm bored!!!
*Disclaimer* Have added this because apparently men are stupid. This is sarcasm, I’m not going to be a freebie dominatrix and fulfil your grubby fantasies.
PPS. If after reading this profile you’re still determined to message me do not just say hi, or hello. I will ignore you or if I’m bored tell you exactly how stupid you truly are.
Conversation Starters (i.e. what you'd like to do on a first date...)
Our (never happening so don't bother imagining it) first date would consist of my smacking you around the head with a sharp and shitty stick, in the vain hope I could beat some comprehension into you.
After my arms became too tired to continue the beating, I would just kick you repeatedly in the groin.
If you're the kind of person who enjoys pain and humiliation tough. I’ll simply yawn a lot and then leave.
Oh I’m well on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady so there’s always an opening for litter tray cleaner.
Felixfack2. A man who after sending abusive messages and ignoring repeated requests to stop messaging me suddenly became offended when I asked how he’d feel if a stranger messaged his daughter the same way he messaged me.
Narizontas67 who has a google image for his profile picture and wanted to take photographs of a dog f*cking me.
BaillieB After refusing to take no for an answer has decided I must be a bloke.
cantmove who called me a bimbo and then expressed a desire to wrap a door round my head and only stopped telling me that “once he’d ‘had me good and hard’ I’d be fine” - when I reported him.
Seanibuoy1968 who after sending an opening missive telling me I was ‘poorly’ then told me to slap myself round the face and get a grip and ended with “Go on a pay site something more suffisticated to match your dictionary mouth”
AngliaEstate. After spending days of his oh so busy life repeatedly pestering me I got this gem. “Your emptiness of life is concerning Leisa … Like the bucket with a hole its empty” Who’s Leisa?
Waikikigold. After telling him I wasn’t interested got this delightful reply. “I bet you’re just a fat lazy burger and chips eater ? Am i Right?”
Stiltsman. Sent an initial message telling me I was playing silly games, then because I hadn’t replied immediately sent another a few minutes later calling me childish, claiming intellectual superiority and informing me I’d misspelled words in my profile. When disproved, threw a tantrum and told me to ‘leave him alone cos there’s something wrong with me!’
Mantoy12. Messaged me 9 times over four days. I respond with well you’re persistent. He replies wanting immediate meet. When I ask if he’d read my profile like I had his, he responded telling me I was stupid, had missed out on the best chance I’d ever have and he hoped I died alone. Then blocked me.