Here for the forums.
Proudly scaring the hell out of men since 1978.
My goal is to live my life in such a way that when my feet hit the floor in the morning, God and Satan both shudder & say..."Oh shit....she's awake!!"
If one isn't slightly cynical, one just isn't paying attention. Some people see the glass as half empty, others as half full. I am reserving judgement until I know what the hell is in the glass. In view of this, I now make all important decisions using the Magic 8 ball.
Yes, I think Nascar is the most incredibly moronic "sport" (and I use that term loosely...) in the universe.
Please do not send me a note that says something trite, or yet worse, crass. I will give you examples so you will know what to avoid:
"Hi, my name is _____ and I think you are real sexy. Want to chat sometime? P.S. Nice tits."
"Ur profiel lokos real kewl, we knead to tawk."
"Babe, wat is ur bra size?"
"U r hot"
"Do u liek Nascar?"
"Do you like younger guys?"
"are you 420 friendly?"
Note, these are actually copied from messages I have gotten. Names were omitted to protect the perverse and illiterate. I hope these are helpful to you.
I do not cyber, cam, or phone. Having actually had sex before, I find this sort of activity to be quite silly. Don't even try it.
I am an atheist. I have a black belt in sarcasm.
Please, if you don't "get" Monty Python, do not bother to contact me. You will never understand a lot of my cultural references.
If I add you as a favorite, it is more than likely that you have said something I found completely hilarious or insightful in the forums. Do not imagine that I am looking at pictures of you and masturbating. I am merely stalking you in the forums and mean you no harm. Well, not much anyway.
I clean the chaff out of my favorites list on a regular basis. A lot of guys were adding me to their favorites that never talk to me. I have this severe delusion that the whole is more than the sum of the parts. So, if you add me to your favorites list and you are male and have not contacted me first, you may rest assured that when I am a sassy mood (and you should just assume that I am)...that a truly terrifying testimonial may randomly be assigned to your profile. As an example:
______ is a great guy, and looks very sexy in a black bra and panties. He keeps trying to steal my shoes and handbags, but at least he can put on makeup. It is disconcerting when your man looks better in lingerie than you do.
______ is a repulsive pervert with that likes young boys, however since being removed from the priesthood he is genuinely trying to give up molesting young boys, and you have to applaud an effort like this.
How you express yourself says a lot about you as a person. Communication is the tool that we use to get through any relationship, regardless of what sort of relationship it is. Spelling, correct grammar and good manners mean a lot to me. Use both of them with flair and you cannot fail anywhere in life. This being said, I am always available for proofreading services should you need them and am very obliging. Extra brownie points for submissions in Haiku or Limerick form. As we progress, small symphonic compositions are always appreciated. Please capitalize the letters that should be. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse. Truth be told, I am not a big e.e. cummings fan.
Several people of both genders have asked about my screen name, so I shall clear that up right now. It's the nickname my kids gave me because I usually wear black and boss them around a lot. This does not mean that I carry a strap on and a whip. Well, not usually. You have to pay extra for that.
Something that has come to my attention recently:
By all indicators, I have the worst possible taste in men. If I like you, then rest assured there is something really wrong with you. If I am hitting on you, immediately seek the help of a qualified mental health professional. I have a referral list if you need one. If I fall in love with you, then you are obviously suffering from a severe personality disorder. Well, you aren't suffering from it, but your friends and family most certainly are. You probably haven't noticed yet, so I am including this to you as one of the many services carefully wrought with intense sarcasm that I provide on a daily basis to anyone who asks.
If I should propose, just kill yourself now. Save the rest of us the time and energy. You can thank me later.
I am not crazy, well, maybe just a bit, enough to make life interesting. No presenting personality disorders, no pathological gambling, no manias, no paraphilias, no wild unpredictable mood swings. Just a few garden variety neuroses. I love to discuss politics, religion, philosophy, poetry, art, music, the periodic table of condiments that occasionally go bad, or anything that stimulates the mind and keeps it limber. I am comfortable in my own skin, and also enjoy wearing the flesh of other people who have truly irritated me. Oh. I did not mean to type that. Do excuse me.
I watch Food Network like it's porn.
Yes, merlot is for pansies. Merlot is what you add to bad wine to make it drinkable. Then, you have a "blend."
I am the kind of girl that loves poetry, romantic long walks on the beach and poking dead things with a stick.
I am very outgoing and always 100% honest about what I think on any subject. There will be never be any holding back. When I need to say something, I do it. If you don't want honesty, run away now. Run away fast, and hope you can outrun me and that I do not have a large stick. I ask for the same. If you are demented and twisted, with the sort of sense of humor that garners curious looks from others, well, we will likely be friends forever.
If you know how to use a slide rule, I will find you irresistible.
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Conversation Starters (i.e. what you'd like to do on a first date...)
Hmmm, first I would make you a sammich and bring you a beer. Then proceed to perform the lap dance of the seven veils. You don't believe this? Then you are very wise, my friend.
If you like board games, you are a friend of mine.
Jello wrestling? Um, no. Tractor pull? Hell no.
Well, OK... maybe Jello wrestling. But not the red ones, they stain.
Park, coffee, a nice meal? Maybe. Museum? Hey, it's on!