Grumpy Old Dog
GRUMPY, Mean Ole', Short, Fat B*stard with bad breath and stinky feet, seeks Drop Dead Gorgeous Mature Woman of Poise and Grace with a slightly Mischievous side to replace that No Good, Rotten, Cookie Steal'n, Nose Picker SNOW WHITE what rundoff with them other six short fat **stards. And as Rude, Crude, Lewd, Uncouth and Socially Unacceptable as them woman steal'n fat boys was, their disgusting, smelly habits wasn't nuthin compared to hers and I won't miss her near as much as them.
I just can't believe it. One day, as we was fix'n to whistle our butts off to work as usual, we all lined up to get a big, wet sloppy kiss from that no good, raven haired heifer. She was wink'n and blink'n and blow'n in everybody's ear, cept when she gets to me, it was a hardy handshake and a swift kick in the ass. Now, I get that from a lot of other folks too so I didn't give it too much thought at the time. But later in the day I noticed the mine got awful d*mn quiet and I figured the others had knocked off early for a beer and smoke. But no, they was gone!
Well, when I got back to the house nobody was there neither cept this curly haired blonde girl sneak'n around in the side yard. So I fired off a couple warning shots above her head and sent her hobbling off towards the Three Bears Place. Well, I meant to shoot over her head but it had been a real long day and my eyesight aint near what it used to be. But I digress.
So I gets in the house and every d*mn stick of furniture is either broken up or gone. Finally, I noticed this note on the fridge. It said, "GRUMPY, there is a rump roast in the oven. And since we is gone and we aint here for the pleasure of it, you can just kiss that big butt steak Good Bye 'stead of ours!"
Well, after I ate the butt steak and drank up all the liquor I had stashed for just such an occasion, I went out look'n to see if I could pickup a blood trail for the little blonde girl. And just like I suspected, it ended over at the Three Bears Place and they all dummied up and sat there grin'n at me with big bloated bellies. I felt real bad about that for a second or two cus maybe if I hadn't winged her she might'a out run them cannibals.
Any way, whats done is done, so after I had a few more beers with the Bears, I staggered back to the house and fell asleep on what was left of the couch. So, that's my story and I'm stick'n to it. But I got more stories to live and tell about and maybe one'a you painfully beautiful ladies out there, preferably with somewhat diminished eye sight, might be interested in joining me now and then for a colorful and entertaining, if not completely sane evening. Address your replies to GRUMPY. Though not required, those with suggestive pictures will receive first attention. I am after all, a depraved and lecherous ole' dwarf.
PS. Better bring bail money. We'll probably need it.
Conversation Starters (i.e. what you'd like to do on a first date...)
Lets meet for a beer, a glass of wine, a hot/cold coffee, a lemonade/limeade, you name it. Maybe someplace with background music that still allows you to hear yourself think. Hard to get to know a person when you can't hear what they are saying.
Did I mention bring your own bail money? Oh. Well, just wanted to be sure cuz trouble seems to foller me 'round like an angry lil' ankle bitter.