so i thought i'd try a different approach to this... inspired by elizabeth gilbert's eat, pray, love follow up entitled: Commitment.
yes that's my icebreaker... sharing with you that i voluntarily read through a woman's self journey through the meaning and of marriage across various cultures and i'm not ashamed to admit that it was comforting to know that i've shared the same reservations and thoughts as a new york times best seller, mid 40's, once divorced.
i know this is way more than any straight man should write on a profile which will probably lead you to believe that a girl wrote this for me. but its really me. i like to blog. i like to spill words onto a canvas. dont judge me yet. anyhow, so here's what stood out to me:
1) back in the day, one of the top reasons that a woman wanted to get married to a man was because he was "decent" or "honest" or even "rich with good status" back then, not too many marriages resulted in divorce because men were capable of satisfying the woman's reason for marriage. continuing to be decent or honest or rich wasn't that hard, especially if you already were that when you got married. do you know what the top reason women marry men for these days? to be "inspired" as in inspired to be a better person. that means the man's job from that day forth is to be able to "inspire" the woman to be better on a daily basis. do you know how hard it is to inspire anyone, much less a woman on a daily basis? its no wonder to me that half the marriages these days end in divorce. which leads me to expectation...
2)with love comes expectations... in the book they say there are two types of men. those that meant to father children and those that are meant to raise children. which is interesting because if you ask any girl out there, i think the consensus would be that fathering and raising a child should go hand in hand. but apparently... not. which i myself can relate to because i am totally scared of having a child right now which in girl talk translate to "oh so you dont want be a father" and i keep trying to defend myself by saying -- that's not true. i want to be the best father in the world. im just not ready to HAVE kids yet.
3)and of course while we're on the topic of mating, one of the qualities that women look for is dependability. and of course you have your own criteria to determine the dependability factor for each men but did you know that scientists have discovered that guys with bigger vasopression receptor genes tend to be more monogamous than those without. so once and for all, let it be known, that size does matter. the irony being that you can't see how big it is in this case without a microscope.
4)i think the part of problem of trying to find a date here is same problem you have with western marriage vs arranged marriages. and that is CERTAINTY. in an arranged marriage u have the gift of certainty which i thought was a euphemistic way of looking at an otherwise frowned upon circumstance. but it's true. women in arranged marriages tend to divorce less and one of the big reasons for that is because they expect less. there is no IF they should have married that other person. they just do and move on with their life and one can argue that not having that doubt linger in their mind contributes to a more positive outcome in the marriage. just like here on this fish site. half of the '"datetable" population gets rejected, me included, not because i'm good enough to go out on a date. but because you're worried that going out on a date with me could possibly prevent you from meeting someone EVEN BETTER to go out on a date with and that scares you. so instead, you dont choose me, nor do you choose the next average joe. you keep your options open but for what really? if we are to find success here on this site, i would reason that you probably want to try a different approach. why not borrow from the arranged marriage idea and just say yes. ask for less. and eliminate doubt. make the most out of your opportunity and see what comes out of it. after all, no ones asking for marriage here. just a friendly meeting...
5)so the last thing that popped out at me was her fiance's response when the author shared with him her worst flaws and was hurt that he wasn't even phased by it. he explained it with this analogy: he liked to buy gemstones but he also liked getting a good deal just like any other customer. the seller on the other end knew this so what he would do is package 2 really pretty aquamarine gemstones with a handful of flawed stones in a parcel and sell them as a package. and for a long time, her fiance would be sucker for this. he would pay so much attention to the nice gemstones and naturally assume that the other ones were of similar quality that he would snatch up the package only to come home, unwrap it and be totally disappointed with the entire collection. sure the 2 really pretty aquamarine gemstones were still nice but now he was stuck with 10 other stones that he really had NO USE for and that bothered him. so after a while of doing this, he realized that the next time he bought a parcel, he would ignore the good stones and focus on the bad stones. and he would not buy the package unless there was something he could do with the rest of the stones, the ones that were deemed flawed by the seller. it took him a while to find a package that he liked but he found it and ultimately he was never more happier with a purchase. it shocked the author to know that this man actually focused on her flaws and not her strengths before he decided to commit to her but ultimately she never felt more secure about him and the love they shared than when she found out.
i never used to collect stones but i did use to collect baseball cards and i got suckered the same way. everyone's got their package. no one comes in just pretty stones. the one you give yourself to should be the one that can do something positive with your flaws. because anybody can do something with your strengths.
ultimately... that is what i'm fishing for...
Conversation Starters (i.e. what you'd like to do on a first date...)
sorry... haven't read a book yet to quite complete this section. any recommendations?