Hello, just here checking this out, but you never know who you might meet ...drop me a line I promise ill write back...coherently.. Im looking for a FWB..Friend With Boat.. deep sea preferably.
Im just here to make friends and have fun, I get into enough trouble offline. Lately I’ve beed dating at home depot. I go to the fasteners aisle and yell out that I’m looking for a good long screw!
As you may notice I suffer from a humorous form of tourette's, I can’t help but blurt out jokes all day.
A lot of you might recognize me from Cable TV too …………. I used to install.
I am a college graduate and attended Subliminal University, at least that’s what my parents told me and I kinda feel smarter.
I also take ginkgo with Viagra so I’m mentally erect all day.
My Doctor said eat some beta carotene, but I never get the beta version, I’ll wait for the official carotene release
I do all my own laundry, good think I look good in Grey.
I’ve been known to put the lid down too, mom raised me well.
I love to cook also, i go to Costco and get the 5 gallon bucket of Spagettio’s.
My hobbies include abstract painting… no paint, no brushes, no canvas… I just think about it.
I can levitate birds too but no one seems to notice.
I did sell one painting once... I did an abstract of two elephants drinking beer out of flower pots and it was bought by the Rorschach Institute.
I tried writing poetry too but I got stuck trying to find a rhyme for Nantucket.
I wanted to write a poem about apathy but I could really care less if I ever finish it
I’m psychic too, I can read the minds of professional sports personalities, and I have ESP-n.
I like to put stuff in other peoples carts when shopping, the weirder the item the better.
Ever find a jar of pickled beets in your cart you KNOW you didn’t put there?
If I want to be mean I’ll take something out, and you know when they get home they will be thinking....”I swear got milk!”
Sometimes I sit in the fitting rooms in a dept store and yell out.."There’s no toilet paper in here!!!"
I have this friend that’s into spanking so I installed a bunch of “The Clappers” around his house.
Now I know when ever he gets kinky because the lights flicker.
I went to the library to check out a book on the G-Spot but i searched in the library for hours and just couldn't find it.
I don’t watch too much TV but my favorite CSI is the Mary Tyler Morgue Show.
I do watch the playboy channel but just for the articles.
I like to play golf and usually can break par too but I've never made it into the clown’s nose.
I won’t say my car is old but last week someone broke in and INSTALLED a stereo.
Last weekend I asked a girl in a bar if she had a pic.., I think I’ve been online too long….but she did say S2R…
But I have good news I just save a bunch on my car insurance.
I was so disappointed with the last Olympics after I realized the Bi athalon was some stupid skiing thing
I have a pet goldfish it’s the cheese kind, he lives in my couch and watches over all my spare change
I installed a trapeze in my bedroom, now all I need is Annette
Once I got a Rape whistle.. Blew it all the time but nothing ever happened
Some of the things I ponder or have learned:
I wonder why there are no “B " size batteries??
Why do they call it W when really it’s a double V?
Don’t ever fry bacon naked trust me on that one!!!
Ever notice how similar porn and karate movies are? The dialogue is useless, the action is too unbelievable and the soundtrack is exactly the same.
"Isn't sanity really just a one trick pony, anyway? I mean, all you get is one trick, rational thinking! But when you're good and crazy…ooh hoo hoo hoo…the sky's the limit!"
All my jokes are copy protected; any accounts descriptions or logs of my material may not be reproduced, rebroadcast or retransmitted without the express written consent of major league baseball... so there!
I do have a serious side and write much more than just jokes.. But you'll have to ask me about that or visit my blog~
don’t forget to leave a comment if you do!
Conversation Starters (i.e. what you'd like to do on a first date...)
My perfect date?.. Ok.. Julia Roberts calls and she’s really horn..…oh in reality?..d*mn..ok... I prefer women from the Circus industry. Either an Acrobat, Sword Swallower or Rubber Lady.. Bearded ones are right out and Clowns will be evaluated on a case by case basis.
Things to do on a date.. anything fun but just short of getting arrested . Maybe.
Good conversation over some doctored up coffee would be nice too.
Arm wrestling isn’t out of the question and absolutely no whining or I’ll stop this car!
Dinner and a movie are always good but nothing with garlic.
Dancing perhaps but I tend to blur the line between dancing and a seizure so doesn’t say I didn’t warn you.
I rarely say no to an after dinner drink.... what shall it be scotch and sofa or gin and platonic?