You clicked on my profile and the first thing you saw were 10 pics of other men that are "similar to funksoulbrutha". Wow, the pressure is really on. I didn't know there ARE 10 other men like me. I hope I dont get nervous because when I do I wet mysel,......dammit.....
I also think showing 10 guys just like me is a bit ****blocky.
I do not have the Meet Me function so save your time, Sweetness!
NO TRANNIES. ALBANY POF, IM LOOKING AT YOU....
Unlike most people here, I want you to see what you're getting into. One of these pics shows me waking up. This is as bad as it gets ladies. Please note the acne on my fleshy, fleshy throat.
I am NOT HERE FOR HOOK UPS.
(KIDDING, I'll totally bang you!)
I am a 728 year olde vampire.
If you send me a message you'll see a notice that says, "Dont send money". Please ignore that.
I find it mathematically impossible that every one of you mothers has, "amazing" children.
I think at least a few of you must be raising a future serial killer.
I am not everyone's cup of tea. I'm unique. I don't mean that in a bad way. If you're looking for, "the guy next door," I'm just not him. If you're looking for the guy that is having a contest with a friend in LA to see who can take the most pictures of women that look like Roy Orbison, well then Oobie Doobie!
The most influential book I've ever read is, "Mr. Pine's Purple House."
My apt is a tiki bar. All my furniture is atomic era, George Jetson goodness.
Don't you hate when you click "Viewed Me" and you see more tools than a hardware store?
I've decided to ask myself some of the same questions recently posed to the current Miss Ohio. The questions are real. Here are my answers;
Where do you find inspiration?
What is the best lesson you've learned from your mother?
When your oldest son finds you passed out on the bathroom floor, blame the sleeping pills, never the gin.
What is the one thing you have taken away from these pageants?
Lots of panties.
What about vaseline on your teeth?
That means someone else didn't take a shower.
What do you bring to the Miss America pageant that no one else brings?
I shower every day and I don't have herpes. I've never had a restraining order against me, I open car doors, I adored my mother AND I don't have my shirt off in my pic. I think all that puts me at the top of the POF man-heap.
I just realized the phrase "Man-heap" sounds a little gay.
EVERY woman's profile states they are looking for honesty. I own a flat-iron AND I use it. How's that for honesty?
1- Yes my hair is real. You can pull it if you like. Not too hard, please
2- Yes my pointed nose is real. I'm half UK mongrel and half Elf.
3- My name is Kevin
4- Yes I am of British descent. No I don't have a Brit accent
If you're looking for a man that makes 6 figures, drives a Mercedes and owns a 2 bedroom condo on CPW you probably shouldn't be on a free dating site, Sunshine!
If you're looking for a guy that dresses like a British rock star, drives a 2004 Legacy and wet his pants in the 4th grade, you've found him.
Life is short.
I don't want a soulmate, I want a partner. Lets rob a bank together.
-My hair is my fave part of my body. A friend refers to my haircut as, "the executive Robert Smith" look.
- I got into a fight with Mr. Potato-head and I rearranged his face
- I am a 2nd hand smoker and I CAN'T quit.
- I believe it would have been frustrating for Houdini's wife if she was into bondage.
- I like to eat pasta with antipasta and let them fight!
Most women are looking for a man to "accept them as they are". What if you're an idiot? I want someone that challenges me to be a better man.
I like soft curves and a snarky, smart-ass sense of humor. I like women that look as though they were painted on a B-17. If you're built like a Playboy bunny circa 1957, thats great. If you're thin, that's great too. I guess I'm not picky.
I like the type of woman that wakes up and says, "F*** me like you mean it then get me coffee, retard".
Please no co-dependents or goth chicks, (PS- If you're over 24 and still into goth then you and your Bauhaus cassette tapes need to be spanked).
If you're flashing a gang sign in your pic then you needn't write me, unless you're really in a gang in which case I'll totally take you out.
A man's crazy-detector goes off when we read profiles and see things like;
"I just left a 22 year relationship and I'm looking for my last first date."
"The ankle bracelet comes off in June."
"My 9 kids are my WORLD."
I hate the beach so that should eliminate 94% of you.
I am a barrell of monkeys. You are, ideally, an alcoholic with no gag reflex.
Unlike your last boyfriend, I will earn you every day, because I know that if I don't someone else will.
Funny trumps everything. If you think you're funny then click the message button, Glamourpuss. What have you got to lose? Allow me to raise your standards. You'll either have a great date or a great story. Maybe both.
Conversation Starters (i.e. what you'd like to do on a first date...)
First dates can be daunting but I find anal sex to be a good ice-breaker.
We probably won't get along if;
-you have pics with, "duck lips"
-you have a pic with those stupid Instagram cartoon animal ears and noses. Its done ladies. Its old and done and annoying!
-you wear Ed Hardy
-your username includes the words, "queen" or "princess."
- you don't know the difference between, "a few extra pounds" and "boombalattie"
We WILL get along if;
-You don't have a penis, (attached to your body). I don't care if you have 14 in your nightstand
-You ARENT CRAZY
When writing, please answer this question:
*If there was an earthquake in Nicaragua, what would your response be?
1) "Oh my, that"s horrible!
2) "Oh my, that's horrible! What can I do to help?"
3) "Oh my, that's horrible! My maid is from Nicaragua and her entire family lives there! I hope she can still clean my apartment today.
I like dive bars, an occasional cigar, strumpets, harlots, putas, temptresses and trollops.
So enough about me. What's your story? Tell me a secret.