It upsets me that while this site makes searchable links out of the "Interests" section above that allows users to connect with other like-minded individuals, it only does so with the ones that other people have also added, which means none of you women are committed enough Awesomeness to make "Finding Nessie" clickable. Well, while I search for the two most awesome women in the world -- Nessie and the human woman who's awesome enough to join in my quest -- enjoy the following list of The Top Twenty Reasons Why YOU Should Date Arcxjo:
20. Those uninspired losers you have been dating would only come up with a Top TEN list. Arcxjo always gives 200%.
19. Like some freakish Jack Spratt, he'll eat just the cereal Lucky Charms and leave you all the marshmallows (also, he'll let you have all the non-black jellybeans).
18. He can drive a standard transmission.
17. He is at least as real as Nessie, and almost as awesome.
16. He didn't marry your sister to make everyone forget your birthday.
15. If you do, there's an 84.6% chance he can finally leap.
14. He knows the difference between Austria and Australia.
13. He always washes his hands after using the restroom.
12. He has never gotten involved in a land war in Asia.
11. He respects you enough not to resort to dirty tricks like subliminal (have sex with arcxjo) messages to make you fall in love with him.
10. He has never put Baby in a corner.
9. In at least one of the infinite number of parallel universes which already exist or are about to be created by the next choice you make, you are going to date him anyway. So if you do it in this one, you significantly reduce the odds of finding yourself in a world ruled by Nazis or superevolved damned, dirty apes -- although to be perfectly fair, it also reduces the likelihood of raining doughknots, so you do take your chances.
8. He will never again wish to live in a world without springs.
7. He owns several tuxedos, so last-minute formal affairs every night of the week are never a problem. You could take him to the opera or Dairy Queen. Or just elope tonight, even.
6. He isn't good-looking enough to run off with another woman. (He IS good-looking enough to run off with another man, but gives you his word that he won't, unless Kevin Spacey asks him, and what are the odds of that?) You'll be able to sleep soundly knowing that you will never have to stand next to him at a podium on national television as he "apologizes" to you and the American people for the affair(s) he had with a nineteen year-old sorority girl, high-priced hooker, Belgian dwarf, and/or llama.
5. You can't blame him for any of the problems in the world today; he voted for Kodos.
4. He did not shoot the sheriff NOR the deputy. In fact, he has no criminal record AT ALL! Which, if you're selecting your dating pool from his general geographical vicinity is actually a pretty damned impressive feat.
3. If you look closely, you'll see that none of the photographs attached to this profile were taken by him pointing a cameraphone at a bathroom mirror. That means he either has the basic social skills to ask a friend to take his picture, or is smart enough to use a tripod and timer -- but in order to cultivate an alluring aura of mystery, he won't tell you which until at least the second date.
2. He can go anywhere. He can do anything. He can even fly twice as high as a butterfly in the sky. But you don't have to take HIS word for it.
And now, the Number-One Reason Why YOU Should Go on a Date with Arcxjo:
1. C'mon, what's the worst that can happen? You get free dinner (and maybe a show of some kind, or laser tag?, or something similarly awesome) in exchange for enduring his company for three short hours? That can't really be that bad, can it?
So what are you waiting for? I've got the brains, you've got the looks. Let's make lots of money!