Hey, I'm Arlan. I have gotten no activity on this account in a very long time, so I thought I'd put it all out there, and see how it goes.
So, I want a relationship...but I've never had one...
It's true. I have never been in a relationship in my entire adult life. It's not that I've been whoring around having random hookups with every woman who'll give it to me, though, total upfront honesty, I've been with 5 women in all one-night stands. Every time, it seems, that I start talking to a woman my dirty mind kicks in, and I can't think of anything but sex. There's more to me than that, but I haven't really had the chance to show that, outside my friends. When I'm horny, I'm more confident and forward. I wonder if it's just because I'm afraid of the unknown, since I've never experienced a romantic relationship first-hand. Perhaps I'm afraid that you won't be interested in me once you get to know me, so it's easier to just have some nsa fun, and go our separate ways. No real work there. I'm tired of that, though. There's so much more I want to experience. Now I'm afraid I'm too old to have a decent chance. Most women my age have had multiple relationships, often a marriage, and sometimes kids even. I'm not there yet. I'm 34, but I have the relationship experience of 19yo. What woman my age wants to "train" me? I should already know how to be in a relationship, and know what I want from life. Well, guess what, I don't. I've considered looking to younger women, since I can identify with them better. They have a tendency to not be all that interested in men my age. The few that do are primarily interested in a sexual relationship, and I'm just not really attractive enough for those girls. So, what am I to do? I never learned how to "get out there". In fact, I have concentrated so hard on going from thousands of dollars in debt to debt-free and responsible, that I haven't gone out to meet new people in a few years. The last time I tried to go out to bar on my own at night, I had a panic attack walking up to the front door. The crowd freaked me out. I've gone out a couple of times on m y own since. Once it was the middle of the day, and not too many people were there. The next time it was a little later, and I sat at the bar. Everyone was in groups, and the bartender was too busy to chat. I may have been flirted with, but I never really learned that either, so I'm not sure when a woman is flirting, or is just being nice, so I assume they're just being kind so I don't make a fool of myself. Around people I know, I'm very social. Sometimes I will just talk up a storm. I even have a tendency to cross the line into over-sharing. I'm observant though, and I have learned to read body postures. I can usually catch cues for when I'm going too far and need to shut up. What can I say, I have no problem telling someone everything about myself. I hear so often how I should "just be myself". You don't want me to be "myself", you want me to be the filtered version of myself that you're okay with. When I don't know you, I can be the strong, silent type, but once I'm comfortable, watch out. If you have a line that I cross, don't get upset, just let me know. It's all about communication, right? I cannot learn and adapt if we you don't communicate your feelings with me. I'm not easily embarrassed, but I can get discouraged. I'm starting to lose my train of thought as I realize that I've been sorta ranting for a while. My current view of myself is that I'm fat, ugly, lazy, and have no purpose. Now, I know, if I don't wanna be fat, fix it. I've tried that, and didn't like it. I'm okay with how I am right now. Who knows, that could change. I'm probably not as ugly as I think I am, but I have no real evidence to the contrary. The only women who have said I'm cute are unavailable or uninterested friends who are just trying to cheer me up. As far as being lazy with no purpose, I know, change it. It's so much easier said than done. I just don't have the drive, the ambition. Perhaps it's the depression. I have never been diagnosed or treated for depression. Looking back, I've been depressed since I was a teen. People likely overlooked it thinking it was just hormones, then I had some deaths in the family. I've been living with it so long, it's my life. I don't know how I would be without it. I suppose that scares me a little. I've developed a few more problems over the past few years. Numerous food allergies, a touch of agoraphobia, and a minor case of OCD. I'm guessing the OCD was brought onto my need for control, grasping for any little thing, but now it sorta controls me. It's manageable as long as I am calm. I have not officially been diagnosed for any of these. No, I'm not a hypochondriac. For all I know, I'm completely sane and normal, but I have such a strong need to have something wrong with me, an excuse to explain why no one wants me. Damnit, I think I'm making myself sad....****, I'm about to cry. Shit! Whatever. I probably should have put this in the rant section. I'm just so alone. I have family, a kind family, but don't want to have much to do with them. I very limited feelings because I have them turned off most of the time. I don't want to be flooded by them, so I restrict them. I have no real friends, none that I hang out with. I used to, but I severed those connections back in '09 to get away from the drama, and shut it off. Also, I needed to concentrate on me. Now, though, I'm alone. My aunt, cousin (her daughter), and I go out occasionally on Friday night. Maybe once a month. We rarely do what I want, it's never long enough, but I accept it because it's all I get. I need more. How do I do that? This is a piece of my mind. If you can handle this, let me know. Perhaps you can find out more. Perhaps, you can be what gets me out of my whole in the ground, my cave.