WARNING: Amazing sense of humor required! Those lacking a personality or with actually mental instabilities and/or highly unattractive personality disorders should STOP NOW!
Since it seems I can’t stop the flood of deeply delusional people, I might as well just welcome Y’all on board and have some fun with it :o) So… let’s see now… FIRST! I think we need to get things organized. I know this may be difficult for some of you and I’m sure the pink elephants and purple monkeys can be a bit distracting, but let’s try to focus here people (hand clapping) Now.... To keep things moving in an expeditious manner… you need to pick your category number and post it at the top of your email prior to any greeting or content you may write. Please do this to ensure your place in line. (Disclaimer: your email may be recorded and used for training purposes or my personal amusement, and/or more likely, that of my friends)
Cat1: (uh, “Cat” is short for category… we’re not referencing your animal, and Krazy Kathy please stop typing “dog 2” on your emails. This isn’t a contest! And believe me, you’re not winning) so, let’s try this again…
Cat1: Psychotic? Emotionally Disturbed? or just plain Crazy?: If you’re not sure, that probably means YES! If your EX ran screaming for the door while ducking your multiple gunshots, it's DEFINITELY YES! (BTW, if you don't think this is funny I do offer a discount on stick removals)
Cat2: Needy? Clingy? Smothering? Looking for constant affirmation of your self-worth?: Do you find yourself constantly asking, “are you ok?”, “everything alright?”, “are you sure”, “are you SURE you’re ok”??? Uhhh... STFU!!!! and leave me alone!!!! (Ooops, I know, not nice... but it's definitely necessary! Please.... Tell me you weren't thinking the same thing!)
Cat3: Shallow? Materialistic?: of course no one wants to date a guy still living with mommy, but if the first things you notice are who made my car, my shoes, and my jeans… I’m fairly confident I'm not the guy for you and I'm extremely confident you're not the gal for me! oh, and BTW… it’s definitely not BMW, Polo, or Lucky’s, or is it? (feigned intrigue)
Cat4: Independent? Are you really? Or is that code for Dominatrix? Independent seems to be an overly misused term here! (And possibly all over florida) Independent means; not relying on others, not being controlled by others, forming one’s own opinions and ideas. (Yes, pulled from actual dictionary) I think too many people think that to be “independent” is to be rude, pushy, and obnoxiously self-reliant, bordering on controlling and just very over the top! If you’re the type to run to the door, just so I can’t open it for you… yeaaaa…that's just STUPID and this is all you! Please, learn to feel confident and secure with yourself and don't cover over your deep seeded insecurities with rude to obnoxious behavior.
Cat5: Party Animal? Heavy Drinker? Borderline or actual alcoholic? (Do you find yourself in strange places in the morning?... I’m sorry, I was going to make fun of this… but it’s really not funny at all and I can’t tell you how many dates I’ve been on where the girls drank like fish, or actually got drunk. Seriously lady's, It’s one of the most unattractive things I can think of! I KNOW this is Florida, the sunny land of beautiful beaches and alcoholic comas... It still doesn't mean beating a drunken DB is cool. Just saying.
Anyway, after some of the crazy emails, conversations, and dates I’ve been on… this profile was a lot of fun to write and hopefully you smiled a bit, and got a chuckle or two out of it. God knows dating these days is just GD bizarre and we should all just lighten up a bit and try to enjoy it. If you’d like to chat… drop me a line and let’s see what happens. Maybe we’ll fall madly in love ;) or maybe, we’ll add a new friend to our contacts… or maybe, we’ll both have a new, bizarre, bad date story to entertain our friends with.
Disclaimer: The preceding statements are only the opinions of the author from his actual and personal experience(s) and in no way represents the opinions and views of the entire male population. Rest assured there are plenty of lying and sneaky **stards willing to overlook, put up with, and generally say or do what ever they have to in order to get you into bed. Unfortunately, the author has extremely high standards and will not settle for substandard base satisfactions in place of higher level stimulation and deeper soulful connections with long term, permanent mate, except for extremely funny individuals that are just way too fun to say no to. ;)
I'd be very happy sitting at a coffee house (with a good view) chatting about our childhood, arguing the finer points of coffee etiquette, discussing the parallels of the Roman Empire and our current political state (and hopefully all of them) OR we can grab our bikes and take a nice long scenic ride with a stop for some great red wine, some extra sharp provolone cheese, and fresh grapes ;) OR we can just pop over to publix, grab a bag of the really big s'mores marshmallows and have an impromptu marshmallow fight (I'd kick your ass, just saying)