For a limited time only, get your very own Significant Other! Act now while supplies last!
-A perfect gentleman, complete with door-opening capabilities
-Highly effective at opening jars
-Great at killing spiders (or trapping them humanely and releasing them back into the wild)
-Reaches high shelves with the greatest of ease
-Utilizes proper grammar, differentiates between your and you're, and employs the Oxford Comma
-Complains only minimally when you drag him shopping
-Appropriate for all occasions including family functions and work Christmas parties
No assembly required.
Drama not included.
Disclaimer: I'll try my best to maintain the expectations that 'The Bachelor' has now set for us guys. I'm still working on obtaining a helicopter and a personal fashion advisor, but maybe we can still have a nice time until my helipad gets approved.