Hello Ladies ;)
My butler told me that I should hire someone to find a top-notch HR person that could assemble a team of recruiters to locate the right individual to interview potential candidates who might be able to write my online dating profile which, if done correctly, might attract a suitable partner for my puppy-loving, baby-kissing, dolphin-adoring, purse-carrying, money-giving, pet-rescuing, alligator-wrestling, bicep-flexing, downward-dogging, damsel-saving, James Bond lifestyle. After much investment of both time and money, not to mention many sleepless nights agonizing about finding this needle-in-a-hay-stack writer, we were able to find said wordsmith via a secret website known as fiverr.com. (Yes, you read that correctly. There are two Rs in their name. This is a secret code with deep, esoteric meaning.) To my amazement Rajaladampirinirila Rivedapilajaranamaladar Himaralaniyeravad Ayanevidaripanevajugilirindarajarineydavadar was able to create this amazing piece of literature overnight. So, without further ado, please welcome, my online dating profile:
To whom it may concern,
I like ladies and not the mens. I like the sunsets with much luck for dinner at good food building and to drink glass wine or other beverage with nice woman of same desire. Both are happy time laughing smile. I like travel to other place not my country and museums. Friends like me. Parents 50 year with both and good character for living A+ life.
Much strength and power of many tiger (lying okay here please paste lists. I have ready item for client. US $1 use each) Beat up wimps, Beat up wild animal bear, tiger, wolf, and more for you, pay highest price jewelry and automobile, always win casino, steal secret from other government save world, bend bars made from steel metal, predict future, much more manly tasks to make here.
Music is good time. Likes are (please here paste lists) Caroline Rose, Thee Oh Sees, Heartless **stards, Ray LaMontagne, old Bowie, Wolf Mother, The Sword, old Iron Maiden, Tool, The Black Keys, 16 Horsepower, Beirut, old Dylan, Benjamin Booker, Nathaniel Rateliff, Valerie June, Queens of the Stone Age, The Damned, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Frank Black, Pink Floyd, Roger Waters, old Roxy Music, Radiohead, The Pixies, Led Zeppelin, Kings of Leon, Midnight Oil, The Pogues, The Mahones, The Waterboys, Sia, Metallica, Florence and the Machine, Edward Sharpe, First Aid Kit, Johnny Cash, Shpongle, Social Distortion. Many more.
Like also TV Hollywood and movie (please here paste list) Shawshank Redemption, Pulp Fiction, Dead Alive, LOTR, Fight Club, The Mission, Interstellar, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Donnie Darko, Sin City, Twelve Monkeys, Groundhog Day, House of Cards, Lost (half almost like), Game of Thrones, Family Guy, Simpsons, Arrested Development, Louie C. K., Salem, Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul, Uncle Grandpa, Larva, Documentary regards to Universe and Ocean
Human born on Earth (please here paste list) Carl Sagan, Joseph Campbell, Alan Watts, Neil Degrasse Tyson, Ghandi, Mother, Father, Brother, Niece, Nephews, Grandparents
Book is fun also I like (paste list) How Not to Write a Dating Profile for Dummies, Dating for Dummies, Women for Dummies, Dummies for Dummies, Dummies for Equal Rights, Super Dumb Dumshits for Dummies. Ugh.
If like more paragraph pay more each $5. Same day pay $20.
Highest in all world regard,
Rajaladampirinirila Rivedapilajaranamaladar Himaralaniyeravad Ayanevidaripanevajugilirindarajarineydavadar
Okay. Sorry, I was bored. Now I’m exhausted from writing. If you got past all of that you are officially a weirdo and MIGHT be suitable for dating.
I’m actually pretty laid back, friendly and a little nerdy. Love hiking and most things outdoors. Love dogs and cats. Had both as a kid. None right now.
One caveat: I’m not religious. Mostly I have a dislike for literal interpretations of things that are obviously myths. Big fan of Joseph Campbell for this reason.
Oh and another caveat: If you need a green card, don’t bother with me. I’ve had three friends that were taken advantage of for this reason and all three of them are now divorced, single dads. Pretty lame.
All others may apply for immediate* consideration.
*Standard reply times are between one second and one week depending on time of day, number of customers in que, phase of moon, how cute you are and if you actually have a sense of humor displayed somehow in your profile mostly with sass and snark. Sarcasm is also acceptable.