After being here almost one year, who am I kidding? I don't feel any desire to date anyone. Thus I have not. For now I accept that I have loved and lost. I feel I have no time to start love all over again and the only one who flipped that switch is gone. Who am I to say there may not be another? I say I feel I don't have the energy to know, to look. There is one perhaps; gone are the days. In my heart there is no room at this time. I have been left with responsibility and 3 adult children and to make certain what I leave them is properly cared for in a manner they can understand and appreciate.
Numb.......is what I am and thought I would get through it by now. I have come to realize I must live with it there is no getting through or over any of this. A loss so great and a betrayal of a friendship to boot, a theft: a person who for years I called friend came into my home and chose to manipulate a situation thus ending many years of friendship. I was blindsided and to this day still can't believe it. Trust is now gone from me, love is gone from my soul. The thought of rekindling both exhausts me. Traveling a lost and crooked road with many forks, as I come to each one I am left to decide which new direction I must take to survive. So with that I will continue on. Knowing myself in need of adjustment to bring back the straight and narrow. Now to continue with the original posting..... Thank you!
I am a lover of nature, plant and animal, land and sea. I own an old farmstead tending to it's space the best I can.
I garden flowers and produce to beautify the land and home can & freeze food for the winter. Looking for the hunter/farmer to compliment the gatherer in me. I love to laugh, share quiet moments. I am a recent widow, almost 2 years now. 29 years married,children grown and gone, then back, then gone, then back. Once a Mom always a mom. Finding myself again will be a whole new adventure. Companionship on this journey would be nice. Not looking for a financier, just someone to turn to and say "Do you see how beautiful that is" or to smile with when you feel good. I am self employed so my time is spent at home, my comfort zone for now. I write children's stories for my nephews and enjoy their company teaching them to respect the land and nature.
I like to make people laugh, been told I am "so funny" and love to laugh myself even though I haven't done much of that lately. I can be outspoken at times, confident and shy at the same time if that's at all possible. It is difficult for me to make a first move and feel a bit uncomfortable not knowing how to react when a move has been made toward me. This has not been necessary for the last 34 years of my life, losing a spouse can really screw things up. I am a strong, independent woman because I have to be.
I ask for nothing and give all I can.
I took care of our elderly neighbor a farmer for over 16 years up to his dying day, he was 92. A sad, situation. He farmed our property and had no one, never married. I enjoy the company of the elderly and their wisdom.Listening is a good thing, they have allot to say.
I'm not much into sports. I watch football on occasion. I do enjoy watching extreme sports and watching horse races. That is the extent of my attention span regarding any sport, perfect 2 minutes around a track to see who wins, the end. I don't watch much television. I'd rather be out looking for deer sheds, owl pellets and showing my great nephew critter tracks & droppings teaching him critter identification.
I like the performing arts and a variety of culture. The extent of my exercise is walking through my fields & woods and gardening an acre to give the produce away, yard work, housework. Saving my energy for those future grand kids, yes that's a good excuse, lets go with that one.
I'm not into the bar scene. I was a bartender when I was younger, been there done that. Music likes, a little country and classic rock, movie sound tracks.
Intelligent conversation is a good thing.
I find myself trying to figure out what's going on in this world way to often and need to stop trying to fix it all. I can be very opinionated, sarcastic but that is because I am dissecting everything to it's core. Over thinking. I would like to tame that a bit.
At this moment in my life I can't imagine ever having a serious relationship or getting married ever again. I spent over 30 years raising my family, being the other half of a very good thing. I gave all of me to my husband and my children in doing so like all Mothers we can tend to lose our own identity.
The children are adults, my husband gone I can say with certainty I don't really know what I want or what would truly make me happy besides having what has been lost and can not be given back. So, the idea of a walk in a park, picnic with conversation, movie night, watching the world go by while sitting on a lake, peacefulness and tranquil surrounding, with good food and friends is good for a start. Having a hand holding kind of friend to lift me up when I'm feeling down and I hope I can do the same for a partner if that is so inclined to be. Friends first.
My goal is to learn to trust again. I have been out of the loop for so long. I am also afraid of going through what I am going through a second time.
Men, PLEASE go to the doctor!!!!! My husband never dd. I assumed he knew his body well enough to know something was wrong and would go in for help. In hind sight I now realize he was nesting, gathering up loose ends, making things easier for me, he knew something was not right. The little things he would say. For instance when I needed money for my credit card, I bought him some shoes and he owed me for them, his reply, "You'll get paid back, paid back and then some" Then I thought what the hell does that mean, why the attitude? The gaze he would give me, that look like he was trying to see if I knew what he was feeling. Sure there were complaints of tightness in his body then followed by "I must have been cutting too much brush" so then I ignored it and told him to stay out of the woods for awhile and rest. It was his heart. Cholesterol, blood pressure. His 54 year old over sized heart exploded in his chest and ours were left broken on the ground. Still unable to pick up the pieces. Not sure I really can.
I am seeing those who find me of interest. Thank you. I may not always reply, but I see you. I'm afraid to take that step. I don't feel worthy of getting to know you while being in the mind set that I am in. Grief, still....... Right now I can't share, I am protecting my space, my children and getting secure again. I feel vulnerable.
I don't want to delete the profile, one never knows who might come along! I am here, I will stay for the time being watching and one day I will