(Warning: The following contains increasingly extreme hyperbole)
I do stand-up and improv comedy from time to time, and I enjoy the finer things in life (like Wings). I consider myself to be family-oriented (see: picture), I'm good with children and smaller adults, and I can be the life of the party or just a trophy wife, whatever the need may be. Animals like me, elders respect me, women want me, and men want to be like me. I am a good listener. I will take you to the theatre. I spell theatre like that. I do not come in black, but I do have leather seating and surround sound. I'm the perfect plus one for every occasion, up to and including funerals and wakes. I cook a mean pot of spaghetti. I can breakdance in three different languages. I turned invisible one time, but repeating it has been thus far unsuccessful. My inside jokes won't make you feel excluded. I am immune to most diseases and small knives. Bill Murray once called me one of his comedic inspirations. The character of Don Draper was modeled after my senior portrait. Coyotes typically avoid me out of respect. Hoc unum scio Latine. I can hold my breath for a very long time. The Dalai Lama and I go way back. When people say that they'd like to thank the Academy, they are referring to me. My sweat is a natural substitute for Gatorade. I do not sweat. I gave the Most Interesting Man in the World most of his stories. I tip well. I transcend the works of Ralph Waldo Emerson. I caught all 151 Pokemon without the use of a game cable. I liked sliced bread before it was cool. I have a major following in some subcultures of western Bangladesh. Strangers trust me.
So how about you?