Look, I gotta let you know right up front-I'm pretty f*cking awesome. I'm not saying I'm Wonder Woman, I'm saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room. So if my being a flippin' genius is a deal breaker for you, feel free to accept my condolences and kick rocks. ;) I'm Jessica. I'm 31 (don't tell anybody), and I'm a private nanny. I live and work in south Fremont, and I'm a Virgo, if anybody cares. No, I'm not into astrology, but can I just say, I resent my sign being represented by the "eternal virgin". It's ruining my rep and messin' up my game. I drink like a fish, but I'm only a social delinquent...a part-time miscreant. As a general rule, I only smoke when I'm on fire. I am only religious during plane rides and natural disasters, and I have no political inclination. If I do root for someone, it's generally based on whichever candidate is least annoying, and if it's a tie, it goes to the dude who's wife has the best hair. I like most genres of music: alternative rock, hip-hop/rap or R&B, oldies, even country. I love it when you stumble across a song that you'd loved at one time but had long forgotten about and, for a moment, it takes you back to high school. Ugh. High school. Luckily, it's only a moment. I can be analytic and logical, but if I'm being honest, I'm a creature ruled completely by emotions. I have great instincts, and I have learned to trust my feelings. This is my very first attempt at online dating, and I'm kinda nervous. On a scale of one to ten, I'm at, like, an eleven. This ranks right up there, somewhere between grocery shopping in the nude and public speaking. My only real requirement is that you have a good sense of humor and an ability to laugh at yourself, because I'm self depreciating and a bit sarcastic. If you didn't already pick up on that, A) You're not for me, and B) Try and get out more. Sarcasm is my favorite thing to use since toilet paper, so please don't take it personally. I'm not timid, but I have a good heart and there's not a mean bone in my body. I might get all sqinty-eyed on you and give you a dirty look, or do a little glaring at you if the occasion calls for it, but that's about it. I enjoy laughter above all else, so if you're more of the "I'm not amused...let's have a staring contest" type, I would annoy the sh*t out of you and you'd make me miserable, so let's just not and say we did, ok? I grew up in a religious household, so although I do love me a good curse word (or four), and I strongly believe that whoever invented the F-bomb should win the Nobel Peace Prize, I do know how and when to turn it off (I also went to private school, which explains my propensity toward debauchery). I'm pretty easy to get along with-I'm a big fan of keeping the status quo. I don't like drama (I've been known to cross state lines to get away from it), I don't enjoy confrontations, and I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to jealousy and neediness. If I am anything, I am loyal, and I'd do anything to help a friend. I do love to play, but I have no time or love for mind games. I'm very open-minded and non-judgmental; I can pretty much understand and forgive almost anything. There is definitely something to be said for openness and honesty, and I'm a strong believer in the power of (tactful!) communication. I can be sensitive, but I'm in love with what speaking the truth can do. I guess I'm looking to find me a partner in crime. Someone to have a little fun with...someone to help me cause a little trouble. If I'm lucky, maybe I'll forge some new friendships, and if I'm very lucky, I'll win the Lotto and just hire me an entourage instead. If an amazing man walks into my life by chance, I'm more than willing to make him my mister. Whether you're Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now, the future and it's possibilities are unwritten, and I rule nothing out. I don't necessarily have a type-I'm an equal opportunity heartbreaker-but if you have the personality of a dead sea sponge, you damn well better be sexy. I'm really hoping for a cute/good hygiene/winning personality combo, though. And as long as you're ok with my tattoos (a few visible, a few more hidden) and gauges, we should get along splendidly. Unless you wear loafers. I hate loafers. I'd like it if you were taller than me (5'5 1/2", 5'6" on a good day); I enjoy wearing heels and I'd prefer to not be tempted to rest my elbow on your head when standing next to you. Although I'm enjoying being single, I'm definitely on the lookout for that diamond in the rough...a man with a good heart to match my own, a fellow giver, because I am tired of being drained by taker after taker after taker. As for age, I won't put a specific number out there, but whether you're 28 or 38, I need all the maturity with none of the seriousness. I need a M A N. Please. Someone who's not just bored and after the thrill of the chase. I am a real person, I have feelings. Unless you practice hunting/gathering on a regular basis, I am not here to cater to your inner cave man. Now, animal magnetism, on the other hand, we can talk about.
First date, huh?? Hmmmmm...I'm pretty flexible. I mean, I'd prefer to reserve the Bud Light/McDonalds/titty bar for date number two, maaaaaybe three, but I'm not high maintenance. So, surprise me. No, never mind, I hate surprises. I am sure that if you've put some thought into it, I will like it. Just please keep in mind that I strongly dislike being cold, I am terrified of bugs (spiders, specifically), and I would rather marry a farm animal than do anything involving heights. And no sneaky shit. None of this "You wanna come over and (**insert air quotes here**) 'watch a movie' ??" stuff. Come on. We all know that's code for "Let's have sex while a movie plays in the background". You guys gotta get some new material.
**update** As it states above, I do not drive! I'm extremely bad at it! You should be grateful to have me off the road! If you have a problem with that, KIIIIIIIIICK ROOOOOOOOCKS!