Today I got an email from a guy who told me that my profile was pretty bland for a comedy writer and I guess I can't argue with that. So, here's the deal. Here's me. Yes, I am a comedy writer and I'm told often that I'm the funniest **stard anyone has ever met... but-- that said, I'm also reserved. I'm quiet until you get to know me and my ability to survive a passable level of conversation in one-on-one situations decreases exponentially as the creepy factor of my company increases. For example: I can form a decent conversation with a normal person but spring on me a giant mole complete with six inch cascading hair, skinny jeans, and an addiction to saving feral cats suffering with herpes and I lose my charm. To me, online dating is equivalent to feral cats with feline herpes. It's just... weird. I can't believe I'm on here, but hell, here we are.
Now, I may be a writer, but writing about yourself falls into a black or white area. You either can or you cannot, there is not grey. I cannot. So, here's my best shot (this is for you fat, bald guy who called me boring!)
I'm finishing up a divorce. I'm new to dating. I haven't dated in so long I can't even remember how to do it. I'm apparently naive as hell, but I'm learning. For example, the word: "cuddle" has taken on a whole new meaning for me.
So here it is: I spent ten years with a man whose idea of a good time was sitting quietly at home and squeezing as much out of the Internet as possible. Sometimes, we'd go to Sam's club. So, when people ask what my hobbies and interests are I'm completely serious when I say that it's to find hobbies and interests. I'm not a sit at home kind of girl. I want to go out and hear music, play pool, learn new things, and be challenged to live outside of my "let's go to Sam's and stare at TVs" box. I'm looking for a guy who is a GUY. I want a man who knows how to change the oil in his car. I want a man who adores me and looks forward to being with me. Fishing, hunting, motocross... whatever the hell real men do. I like a guy in cologne and a baseball hat who has nice hands that he isn't afraid to get dirty. Please be mildly intelligent. The following is a deal breaker:
Expecting to get me with this:
Flavorblastedcumcicles69: Hey. How's your day. Your boobs are awesome.
Me: Thanks, I call the left one "perky." If only I had a fat, bald, man to put them in his mouth and tell me if they are symmetrical.
Flavorblastedcumcicles69: Yeah. Come on over. Let's cuddle.
Me: You had me at cumcicle.
Now go back to the opening line on the above conversation. What follows has never happened in the history of the internet without involving a serious financial transaction. I'm not about to pop the cherry on that one so if all you have to say is hi and that I have nice boobs, please move along.
The following screen names are wildly unattractive:
I think Billy Joel might secretly be the same person as Richard Lewis who I'm pretty sure is the crypt keeper.
Ham freaks me out... but I love bacon
I've broken a bone in every sport I've attempted
I need a man who remembers where we parked the car
wildlife does not fear me.
Men who sell beauty crap at mall kiosks will leap tall buildings to get to me, even if I'm in a crowd. It's not good.
I eat healthy and exercise a lot but I will eat an obscene amount of salsa at Mexican restaurants. Back off.
I pretend to text when I'm very uncomfortable.
I once had a hobo dry-hump my car.
So, there. Hopefully my profile is less bland. I'm still not sending you a picture of my boobs weird guy who insults girls on internet dating sites... but thanks for the push to try a little harder.
First dates are kind of scary. Something where we can get to know each other or be sort of active like playing pool. Teach me something. Show me something (not including pictures of your junk, if I want it I'll ask) and show me who you are.