Most guys are going to keep this short and uninteresting (nice philosophy, fellas. I wonder in what other areas of your life that attitude comes into play). Not me. I'm taking the long, exhausting approach so get comfortable (oh, just read it. It'll take 5 minutes. If it was in Cosmo, you would). Now I'm not going to try and convince you that I'm some perfect Adonis or that I'm the best catch out there. Anyone with better vision than Ray Charles can see that's not the case. What I'm going to do is give you the good and the bad about me and what I'm looking for in a woman. Read on. You've got time to kill, and judging by how most people write and spell, half of you could use the practice.
Here's 10 random things I'm looking for in a woman - in no particular order
1) Be Fun and Adventurous - everyone thinks they are, but that's crap. Be willing to go places and try new things. Eat weird sh*tyou've never had or heard of. Ride a camel. Wrestle a midget. Juggle fire. Whatever the mood calls for.
2) Be Attractive - we're all a bit shallow. Is anyone here hoping to meet an ugly person with an ass like a dumptruck? I don't need perfect, but Bea Arthur's stunt double is not what I'm after. If your gaze has ever turned a man to stone, please look elsewhere. I like my soft, fleshy skin as it is.
3) Be Smart - I have to be turned on by your brain as well as your looks. Be able to talk about anything with some sort of opinion or insight. This is important. I don't care if you're a 12 - if your brain functions like an old piece of meatloaf that somebody put their fist through, it isn't going to work. You don't need to know Quantum Physics, but you should be able to find Canada on a map, or add without using your fingers.
4) Be Funny - I realize this is a subjective term, but you should know if you are. At least have a sense of humor and not be easily offended. I am not PC at all, so be prepared. For example, if you think these people are funny, then you get it - Richard Pryor, Daniel Tosh, George Carlin, Dave Chappelle, George Constanza. Yes i know two of them are dead. If you find Tyler Perry, Ellen, or those old seahags on The View funny, you might want to think about finding out what that word actually means. I think that little Webster kid who lived in the clock had a dictionary you could borrow.
5) Don't Take sh*tToo Seriously - yes, we all need to go to work and pay bills. Definitely be responsible, but be able to hang out. You should work to live, not the other way around.
6) Be Nice and Friendly - seems pretty self-explanatory. If you drive around hitting bums with bags of nickels, I'm not quite sure I'm for you.
7) Have a Sex Drive - Look, we're all adults. We can talk about this. Everyone here is looking for a relationship, right? Sex is a part of that (unless you're Tim Tebow or some other idiot who'd rather hit their head against a wall than hit the sheets). If I'm in a long term, committed relationship with someone, it better be good, it better be fun, and it better be often. It's all about attitude and desire. You have to want to do it. If you're happy with 2-3 times a month, we probably don't match up. Don't get the wrong idea - I'm no deviant with a dark, damp basement full of chloroform, cattle prods, and duct tape, but steady awesome sex ALWAYS makes a relationship better. Simple logic
8) Be Drama Free and Easy Going - we'll all be dead too soon. No need to squabble and bicker. Most sh*tdoesn't matter enough to waste time on. If you have that much free time, see # 7.
9) Willingness To Travel - I like to go on vacation - anywhere (within reason - North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Mississippi, Venus; these places I could do without seeing). I like to think I've seen and done a lot of cool stuff, and been to some awesome places, but my list is long and I'd like a beautiful woman to help scratch it off with. Preferably out of the country. I can get by and adapt in most places, regardless of what they speak
10) Be Attractive - ok, so i doubled up on # 2. Shoot me.
Things about me - Negatives (too many to name - but here's a few)
Sometimes I say too much - sometimes not enough. I'm stubborn. Occasionally, I snore. I haven't had a full head of hair since the Clinton Administration. I'm very open minded but not really with music - I like what I like. I'm not very handy at putting things together. I have great taste in women and tasty food, but little else. Most sense of fashion has eluded me. Don't worry though. I don't walk out of the house in assless chaps or anything. I've made more than my share of mistakes with women, and will probably make a few more before they throw dirt on top of me, but at least I can admit it. Obviously this list can be longer, but I do want SOME replies.
Things about me - Pluses (shit, i really thought this list would be longer)
Pretty intelligent. I generally don't have much to brag about, but brain power is something I have an excess of. I'm funny and entertaining. I'm real easy going and calm - unless I'm at work or stuck in traffic, where I've been known to go apeshit. I'm not a very hairy person, but I keep it in check anyway. This isn't the 60's. No woman really wants a Neanderthal, do they? I have no financial issues - no debt, no gambling addiction, no child support or DWI surcharges. I make decent money and I keep a few pesos under the mattress to afford me the little luxuries in life. I don't need much and I'm not materialistic at all, but I like that I can buy anything I want or need on a whim without worrying about it. I'm not going to be living under a bridge eating cat food anytime soon. I have my own apartment and I drive an unimpressive, beige Corolla. Sure, I don't live in a castle or drive a Rolls, but I don't need that. It's what you do, not what you own. I have dreamy blue eyes. I can speak enough Spanish to get by. I'm no chef, but I do have some skills in the kitchen. I can go on, but this is long enough as it is.
Other random but important knowledge to know -
St. Patrick's Day is my favorite day of the year. Big fan of Sunday football. I drink socially but not a lot (beer, wine, tequila, whiskey). Usually only on weekends. I like and get along with all animals - dogs, cats, badgers, zebras, chupacabras, whatever. I'm very knowledgeable about the world around me and I'm more cultured than most. I don't follow any political ideology or have any blind loyalties to anyone or anything outside of the people that matter to me - except the Giants, and they suck right now. I enjoy sleeping with a woman - some guys don't. I'm not talking sex (we all like that, except Tebow.) - I'm talking sleep. A warm body on a cold night goes a long way.
I'm looking for a woman to enjoy mutual likes with - traveling, going out, dinners, sporting events, the beach, sharing a couch with a good flick and some ice cream, things like that. You certainly don't have to meet every aspect of what I'm looking for, but I figured I'd put it out there and see what happens. We all have our types, and I guess this is mine. I'm sure you think I should be institutionalized for the crazy sh*tI've made you read, but until they throw me in a padded room, I'm going to enjoy myself, and it wouldn't be so bad to have some good company along the way. If you want something generic, you're not finding it here
FIRST DATE - I'm open to anything. Maybe pancakes and rhino poaching. Shank a couple of people. Whatever works. Look, not to sound too arrogant, but I've never had a bad first date before. Maybe it's because I'm fun and easy going (maybe too much), so there's no pressure. Fact is, if you're uptight and high maintenance, you're not gonna like me. But if you know how to chill out and enjoy interesting company, we can have a good time.
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