Where do I start? Well, I guess I should tell you that I am not the greatest guy on the planet. I get cranky at the drop of a hat and I smell pretty bad. I'll probably not be too in to you when we first meet, mainly because, well I just don't like people very much. If you are lucky enough to get a date with me I will almost certainly be late which will mean you will be embarrassed sitting by yourself in a restaurant. When I do finally arrive, I will probably stink like a combination of beer and lamb kebabs, and I will be wearing a light purple polo shirt, football shorts, and long grey socks with leather sandles. I will constantly complain about the service, and being that I am a chef, the food in my opinion will be crap no matter what it is. I'll probably drink too much wine and talk about religion, politics and my ex. When it comes time to pay I will have forgotten my wallet by accident (and by that I mean on purpose) and you will be forced to pay for everything.
When we move in together, there are a few things you should know: I don't do dishes, washing, ironing, cleaning, mopping, mowing, gardening, scrubbing, sewing, cooking or dusting. I only shower once a week (which will be your job too), and i'll get upset if you don't iron my undies. The TV will always be on my channel, and I only enjoy car racing. There is no way in hell I would want to meet your parents (unless your mum is hot) and friday nights is for me and my mates, which you will cater for, including for the strippers.
When I ask you to marry me, I'll do it with a $30 silver plated ring in the maccas car park at 3am. The wedding will be at the bowls club, but the reception will be in our backyard with a maximum of 18 people. It will be BYO. (including ice) After that we will spend 2 glorious nights in the nambour caravan park for our honeymoon, and if you're lucky i might even take you out for hungry jacks on the last night.
So if you think you have what it takes to be my slapper... lets do this shit.