Hi girls, first and foremost you’re welcome for coming to my page. Before I describe myself, let me make something extremely clear: do not send me messages about what you want to do to me. Do not send me a message saying, “Hey!”. That is so unoriginal and so unclever. Do not send me a long message, but don’t send me one that is too short either. In fact, you probably shouldn’t send me a message at all, since I will likely never reply. But if you want to know anything about me, just ask! :) xoxoxo
I am a strong, independent male with ambitious goals and dreams. I won’t actually go into any detail of what I would like to do, or some of the goals in my life, because that might give us something to talk about (also, I may have not realized it yet, but I don’t really have any goals). I don’t think I will list any of my interests either. If you want to know, then message me! :) xoxoxoxo But don’t message me something boring. But message me. Seriously, don’t screw this up.
First impressions are everything to me, because they are usually very intimate and informative encounters. Nobody ever alters their persona due to shyness, nervousness, or the desire to impress, so if we have a decent first date, and I don’t get back to you, it is because my Magic 8 Ball said, “Maybe”. If you can’t keep my 30-second attention span, then we may not be a good match. BTW, some days, I consider your message to be my first impression of you, so you better write like you are the next J.J.R. Tolkien.
Actually (actually, actually), I will list a few of my interests – you know – to give your creativity a jumpstart for when you do not message me. I like to drink – a lot. I really like to drink. Like, when I wake up in the morning, the first thing I am doing is chugging a bottle of water. But every once in a while, I like to go all out and have a soda binge – but only socially, of course. I believe excessive drinking is only acceptable when you are having a good time with your friends, because this is socially normal, and whatever is socially acceptable is right. I think when people drink by themselves at home, they are so creepy. Oh, and I only drink Mello Yello, because Pepsi will wreck me faster than an Asian woman driving at night (I hope that wasn’t offensive :) xoxoxoxo – if it was, don’t message me, because you probably can’t handle this xoxoxoxoxoxo).
Oh, BTW, I am not really taking this site serious, but if you want to message me, you better give me 110% of your time and effort. Don’t waste my time. Also, I asked my uncle who has lived in the same 600 sq ft trailer for the past 30 years if he thought I was ambitious, and he said yes. So, I am going to round up, and say I am very ambitious according to my family and friends.
Anyway, back to the drinking thing. Drinking is not a big deal to me, but I might write you a few paragraphs describing it better than I describe myself. I don’t drink a lot, but I know how to drink if you know what I mean when I say I know how to drink but I don’t drink a lot. My favorite selfies are the ones that have a wine glass full of Mello Yello in front of my face, so that it provides a little bit of a mystery (I feel like my artist side really shows). My favorite group photos are the ones where me and all my friends are holding a bottle or two, because this is socially acceptable because it indicates that we know moderation and are adults. In fact, my best stories come from weekends when girls spent $200 on sodas on me. I did some crazy stuff those nights, but I won’t go into detail, because I don’t want someone’s one-dimensional mind to assume what is probably true. I love my culture that celebrates people who spend so much time, money, and effort on their consumption of liquids. Did I mention I was an independent thinker?
God, sometimes my free-thinking is awe-inspiring. Oh, and speaking of God and free-thinking – I might be a fundamental Christian who takes literal translations of the Bible and applies them to his judgment values. I am very open-minded, but you need Jesus. If you don’t love Jesus more than you love me, then GTFO (and I better be a Goddamn close second place).
Yes, I am very independent, and I am very unique. Most guys are not like me, so if you want your cookie cutter male, you better not message me (unless you message me something clever, :) xoxoxoxo). For example, I can be sarcastic. How many people do you know who enjoy sarcasm? Or even humor in general (yeah, I am a mold buster)? Some people think I am a**** because my only sense of humor is sarcasm, but they are just simpletons. They just don’t understand my level of dedication. I am a very dedicated person.
I am also unique because I am kind, but I can be a jerk. I have many, many, many sides. Most people are so societal robots with only a few emotions, but not me, I am such a unique person with many different emotions. I know I have already given you two very good examples of my uniqueness, but I will tell you one more time that I am unique, because I believe that repetition of a statement is just as valid as supporting facts. Sometimes, if you can repeat it enough, it is even more factual. I mean, look at car insurance commercials. Everyone has car insurance now because they always play the car insurance commercials. I am unique.
I am a very independent person. For example, on our first date, I expect you to pay for the meal (and movie, if I like you). See? I told you I was unique. I will likely not offer to pay anything, but if I do, I will wait until you are practically writing the receipt tip, so that you will deny me the effort (BTW, if you do not deny me my portion of the bill, I will drop you like paraplegic suffering from Parkinson’s disease). If we go to the movies, you will need to pay for that too, because the prices are so high, and I don’t support that kind of corporate domination – this must be my free spirit side. I love women with chivalry. Prove to me that chivalry is not dead. BTW, if I give you the keys to the car, it is not so that you can drive, but rather, I want you to open the car door for me, so that I can drive. Whether or not a girl opens the car door for me, is a huge mood setter and can literally make or break the evening. Do it, faggot.
Speaking of what I want in a girl… I will finish the book on this later, but for now, I will grace you with the cliff notes (if you do not fill out all of these, please do not message me because we do not have enough in common – unless you really excel in looks or money). I want a girl who is well kept. She must always smell like roses, and in the event she has a bad day, she should keep that sh*t to herself until she calms down – don’t be weak. I want a girl of a specific height and age. If you are even one inch or one year off, you are too tall, too short,
too young or too old. If you are Asian, then please feel obligated to teach me your math or piano skills. If you are black, don’t be too black. If you are white, you better have the butt of a black girl. If you are Indian, then teach me physics? Anyway, for the rest of you, don’t message me, unless you are Jennifer Lopez. If you are poor, then you better be goddamn hot.
Oh, back to my wants… I want a girl who is kind, but not so kind she gets walked on all the time, but not so unkind that she is repulsive – this important because it’s so specific. Speaking of specific, I want a girl who knows how to treat a guy. This needs to be said because some people here want girls that don’t know how to treat them well, evidently?
Anyway, I want to a girl who knows how to make me laugh, because I believe your humor is an essential part in developing my happiness. I want a girl who is willing to accept me for who I am, because I when I act like a flaming retard, I don’t want you to call me out on it – because some days, that is who I am – I am so complicated, better be ready to handle this. Oh, and I will never initiate a conversation, because I believe in gender equality, and initiating conversation is typically the girl’s job. I see myself as very passively ambitious – I will wait you out.
I am working on my second book, concerning all my dislikes, but I will give you a few really in-depth highlights: Fake people, lying people, cheating people, dishonest people, racist people, stupid people, and Pepsi (but mostly people in general).
Random fun facts about me: My cat’s name is Llort. I like to laugh.
Oh, if you live 500 miles away from me, that is completely cool for two reasons: One, I am amazingly generous like that, and understand that you have an attractiveness for me that will have very little reasoning skills. Two, I am willing for you to drive that far to see me. Crazy, I know, but I think that is just being mature, and I am willing to go out of my comfort zone. BTW, once you have spent two tanks of gas getting here, I expect a really nice dinner for waiting so long (don’t forget about the door).
Hhhmm… what to write about myself… I don’t know, just ask. But don’t ask anything too invasive or I will ignore you. Also, don’t ask anything too vague, or I will immediately lose interest in you. I’m a good catch, so at least put in some effort. I am so tired of having copy and paste messages from 40 to 60 girls at any given time asking me for my number (however, I have a depreciated value of a personal message, because I un-admittedly take pride in the sheer number of messages yet still unaware most of them are copy and paste mass mailings). Be original. There are only 7 billion people in the world, so it should be relatively easy for you inquire about something nobody else has – you know, since the universe is infinite. I am so unique, like every other guy.