I party like its 1999. I am America’s next top model. I never sweat. My strengths outweigh my weaknesses. I am constantly caller number 9 and win tickets to all the best shows. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a spatula and a toaster oven. I’m a stellar hugger and a world-class cuddler. I dance with the stars. I consistently beat Chuck Norris in arm-wrestling. I once read Paradise Lost, the Odyssey and War & Peace all in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I shower daily. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy eveningwear. Sushi is my favorite food group. I bake 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes flat. Mums love me and children want to be me. I know the exact location of every item in the supermarket. I always pick the fullest and most symmetrical Christmas trees. On Wednesdays, after rugby practice, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I eat soup. I am a go-getter. I sleep once a day. Basically...I AM AWESOME.
If I got to know you, I would invite you over for a romantic dinner and as soon as you arrived, I would pull you close and whisper in your ear "I have a swanson tv dinner in the freezer with your name on it" and then I would proceed to fill a wine glass with lidl grape juice