OK, I guess it was time for a new profile anyway. However, when the lamely-named system administrator "Markus" deletes my first profile, it sends my team of comedy writers scrambling for new material.
Since my first profile was perfect, this attempt will probably fall in the "realm of sequels" right between The Next Karate Kid and Teen Wolf Too.
My first profile was a simple list of observations based on the female profiles on POF. NOW, it is time to write what it is that I am looking for in a woman and relationship. I will keep this in a simple bulleted format as before to help ease you through it.
1. I want a woman that uses an A.K.A. Keep in mind, you will score extra points if your A.K.A includes words like "Lil," "Juicy," "Booty," or "Shawty." By the way, "A.K.A." means "Also Known As," so it is unnecessary to say, "Hi, my name is Yolanda...A.K.A. "Lil' Juicy," Also Known As "Big Shawty." It is also important to realize that more than one person (other than yourself) refers to you by this alternative name to be considered a real "A.K.A." If the F.B.I. refers to you by any A.K.A., I will marry you.
2. I want someone that is so out of my league in terms of beauty that it is impossible for me to be around her without my digestive system producing several extra gallons of stomach acid because of nerves. This extra "juice" in my system requires that my taut, athletic abdomen process it by hours of involuntary squeezing that manifests itself in high-pitched squeals that you will mistake for whale song.
3. I want to feel that first date nervousness again. Once-again, abdomen-based, the build up of "first date gas" is sorely missed. As a gentleman, I will open the car door for you, I will then walk around the back of the car to my side of the vehicle, expelling hours of compressed gas with such force that you will think the Germans have started another Blitzkrieg, this time in Fort Worth.
4. My woman must dress like a hooker with rent to pay. Tissue paper would be the ideal outfit. As I progress in years, the effort to undress you "with my eyes" is just plain bothersome with bifocals. If you need a reference, please watch an episode of Atlantic City Hookers on HBO or go shop at Zone d' Erotica.
5. Education, very important! Please be smart enough to shorten the following words..."With" to "Wit," "That" to "Dat," "July" to "Jul," "Whore" to "Ho." You get the point. When your mind travels as fast as mine, you don't have time for lengthy converstaions. Please also use the phrase "What de do" in place of "What's up," "Ax" instead of "Ask," and "Skinded" instead of "Skinned."
6. Art is my passion, and it must be yours as well. Please have countless tattoos! The more meaninless the better. Sure, using as many religious symbols as possible will probably get you into Heaven more than your life's work on this planet, but I yearn for more traditional "ink" on my lady. Please if you have a battleship on your chest and the smoke from the 16" turret guns spell "mom," "dad," or "Jesus," please send me a message as soon as possible.
7. You MUST have at least three photos of yourself in your car! If we end up "making it," you must fully expect our wedding photos to be taken from the "dashboard perspective."
8. Finally, have faith. Be "God fearing!" I know I am. In fact, when I get to Heaven, I expect to scream my head off! First, after realizing that I am dead, and second as I realize God is sixteen stories tall.
Drop me a line.
John (A.K.A Lil' Ghost-faced Killa John)
By the way, this is meant as a joke.