POF refers to this section as About Me, but I’m expanding it to About You, too. In other words, the first part is about me and what I want, and the second part is about you and who I’d like you to be. As with any good About Me piece, you’ll only see good or great traits listed and expounded upon, with the implication that I have no baggage, issues, history or skeletons, and in the About You section you’ll find a contrived profile stuffed with so many expectations that no woman on earth could possibly measure up! Hey, a guy can dream, yes? Seriously, though, everyone knows that nobody is perfect, and it’s more about finding that close-to-perfect fit rather than perfection.
To wit, then, I am a single dad raising a son and daughter, 16 and 12 years of age respectively. I am one who sees comedy in many situations, and someone who loves to laugh (in fact, when I’m on my death bed as a centenarian I expect the last words I utter will be “A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…”), but I take my kids and career very seriously, and in that order. I like to play and be goofy, and love the fact that even though I know how and when to be serious, a lot of being an eight-year-old has never left me. I work out virtually every single day for two reasons: I want to be around for my kids as long as possible, so good health is important, and I want the woman I’m with to enjoy touching a toned body, especially so she can tell all her friends that she’s with a stud! I’m a bit of a political junkie and have fairly conservative views; I’m confident but never walk with a swagger; you don't know anyone who gives a better massage; chivalry is not dead with me and I will pull your chair out for you when the situation calls for it, I will stand when you come into a room, I will take my hat off (if I’m wearing one) when I see you for the first time that day, I will open doors for you and I will protect you with my life if necessary; I’m an honorably-discharged United States Marine, and proud of my service to America; I like contact sports and The Military channel, but I’m not ashamed that I get teary watching sappy movies; I’m a reformed tobacco user, enjoy the occasional drink and have never done hard drugs; I love animals—especially other people’s animals—and I don’t hunt (I can eat Charlie the Tuna, but can’t shoot Bambi); I’m a damned decent cook and try to use all organic ingredients when I can, but that doesn’t mean I eschew the occasional sampling of junky food. Au contraire! I like to read, write, write music, play the guitar (poorly), learn, travel, explore, hike the Daks, skate with my kids and take on the world, but I want someone to share it all with for a single night…just kidding; I wanted to see if you were still paying attention! Seriously, though, I want a partner with whom it is us against the universe, and we win!
About You: Well, you are no doubt wondering how an educated, accomplished, well-read, obviously well-written, hard-working single dad can have a profile that says “Wants to date but nothing serious.” You’re thinking, “Really? Another guy who wants friends-with-benefits, or something casual without a commitment? Gee, what are the odds?” Well, that’s not it, exactly. My preference is to be in a committed relationship for the next fifty years or so, but with kids, career and a house, the prosecution of such an endeavor, I’ve found, is really tough (if you’re a single mom I’m not imparting any wisdom with which you’re not already quite familiar). In addition, I find that I tend to get rather attached very quickly, so to protect myself I’m now suggesting a more casual arrangement and then we’ll see how it goes. I am not, for the record, interested in dating multiple partners, as I have neither the inclination, the time, nor the money to do so, and at the end of the day such a pursuit leaves one feeling empty anyway, to say nothing of the inherent danger found therein. At any rate, you are a woman who understands what I just said, as you possess at least a modicum of intelligence (I heard a learned man state once that intelligence in a woman is an aphrodisiac. He was right!). You know what grammar, syntax and spelling are and rue the lack of their judicious use. You do not have to be what I’ve heard some women refer to as a Barbie Doll, but I’m very active and fond of women who are fit, which I define as one who works out regularly, likes to hike, walk, take care of herself and do stuff! If you’re a smoker, it’s a deal breaker with no wiggle room (unless you’re really hot…kidding). You appreciate my uncanny and sardonic sense of humor, but are clever and funny in your own right, and fun to be with. Preferably you have no tattoos and few piercings, or if you do, at least you don’t look like you work for Orange County Choppers (to each her own, but that’s my preference…unless you’re really hot!). You may want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane with nothing but a bed sheet connected to straps (known as a parachute) between you and a whole lot of time to contemplate your certain and very sudden demise, but you don’t mind that I’ll watch from the relative safety of the ground; and finally I want to talk about caveats. Virtually every woman’s profile out there feels the need to describe in detail the things they don’t want to see in a man. I understand how some men act and I get why women respond the way they do, but in a few cases I've clicked out of a profile thinking there are all these various things I had better not be, yet the woman in question didn’t tell me a single thing about herself. Some are cute, like the woman who commanded men to stop photographing themselves in bathrooms because it’s not sexy to see a picture of a man where he poops. I wrote back, incidentally, and informed her that men had no corner on THAT market. Other profiles, to continue, are insulting diatribes that leave one wondering what the woman’s history must be. Either way, I have a few admonitions myself: If you’re a purveyor of drama, for example, I expect it to be on TBS or in a local theater, but it cannot and will not be part of our relationship; and if you’re looking for a one-night stand or casual sex, you can just pass me by missy, because I’m not that kind of guy…but, if nothing better materializes later on, come on back and let’s talk about it!
One woman on POF said that she didn’t want coffee on a first date because it made the experience feel too much like an interview. HellOOOoooo: that’s exactly what a first date is, minus the résumé, brag book and 30-60-90 day plan, of course. A first date is a fact-finding mission to see if the blob in front of you has the gumption, the moxie and the mojo to meet or exceed your expectations as a potential partner; so, why not do it over coffee? Having said that, I prefer meeting a woman over a glass of good wine because even at my advanced age and maturity I still get the same butterflies I got in junior high school when I was going to ask a girl out—partly from the natural anxiety spurred on by the anticipation of mingling with the opposite sex, and partly because of the fear of rejection, I suppose. One might suggest that the wine acts as a crutch in order to facilitate interaction with a woman, to which I say, no, six shots of Cuervo Gold act as said crutch, whereas one glass of smooth, red vino acts as a lubricant to the soul, allowing the unimpeded personality to come through. This important first event, furthermore (and pay attention guys who have no clue), should take place in a public arena—preferably of the woman’s choosing—that fosters communication and her comfort. This specifically excludes movie theaters (never a good idea to sit in silence for two hours next to someone you just met, unless you go the Cuervo route), loud bars, concerts or sporting events where talking with one another is a labored process at best; oh, and it shouldn’t be at the man’s house, either. In fact, I don’t even recommend going to the woman’s house for the first date; there are, after all, female axe murderers, too! Anyway, if you’ve managed to read through all this, get some water, and cool down until your pulse rate is about one hundred and ten percent of normal, and then I look forward to meeting you. Oh, and don’t break my stones about how long this is, please. I had the thinnest profile information possible previous to this and I received so much hate mail, so I’ve relented to the tidal wave of female pressure and poured my heart out! So there (I’m sticking my tongue out)!