I'm a 5'9" powerhouse that's allergic to gluten and can throw a cat harder than Nadzeya Ostapchuk. If you put bread in my face I will sh*ton yours.
My dream job is creating an alternative energy source out of cat hair and discarded medical waste. I believe that a car should be able to travel at least 100 miles on one strand of DNA. My goal is to be the first female CEO of a fortune 500 company that can crush an aluminum can with her thighs while simultaneously burping in perfect pitch along to Hanson's seminal masterpiece, "Where's The Love."
I enjoy all the internet has to offer, but I spend most of my time online subscribing to animal fitness magazines and learning how to clean floors with organic compost.
Other hobbies include repurposing old license plates into chastity belts and baking the beating of hearts of grown men into cakes (gluten free cakes).
Please contact me if you went to an Ivy League school, earn more than $90,000 a year or have taught yourself how to use the powers of your mind to seal your ***hole so that you may never fart in my presence.
First date ideas:
Intellectual conversation about how we will destroy the patriarchy together, one dildo at a time. I have no time for your fantasies of "insertion."
Other options include:
- Riding around town on your moped while I wear my cat attached to my chest with a Baby Bjorn.
- Reading me your first attempt at a novel while I laugh in your face at your pathetic attempts to be a man and a writer.
- I'll emasculate you by speculating for hours about how tiny your****probably is.
- Feeding you disgusting, uncomfortable, unwelcome compliments about your body.
- Sushi and a long night of sacrificing VHS tapes to John Cusack's soul.
What I’m doing with my life
I'm doing way better than you are if you're living in your parent's house and struggling to get your GED while your 6 year old shits all over the carpeting that your parents haven't changed since you were born.
I’m really good at
Making classy decisions about my life, eating peanut butter out of the jar, turning cat eye balls into marbles for my future family to play with.
The first things people usually notice about me
My deep, wide set, gaping, wet in between toe area.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Favorite book: The Bible.
Movie: Ten Commandments: Shane West as Moses.
TV Shows: The American Bible Challenge.
Food: Jesus sustains me, don't be a stupid ****.
The six things I could never do without
I can tell you six men I could do without, but six things is a little harder. When you really think deeply about the point of life, there's little I could never do without. I could definitely do without your ugly weiner.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
How do egg whites create meringues?
On a typical Friday night I am
working on my tan with my friendz
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
My butthole is bright green like alien spittle.
You should message me if:
You should message me if you are interested in not having your dong touched.