1 - First of all, I’m better than you. It’s pretty important that right from the beginning you realize that I am a more worthy person than you are. I’ve got a genius level, super villain-like IQ and you’re just some self-deluded chick. I forgive you though, because I’m a nice guy…and because you have boobs. I don’t think less of you. I’m just better.
2 – I will probably be mean to you on a regular basis. It’s not that I want to necessarily. I’m really a pretty sweet guy most of the time. But I understand that women require a certain amount of abuse to be happy. No females diet is complete without a goodly helping of suffering. It’s like emotional vitamins. Keeps your coats shiny and your mane glossy. And being a generous, giving person I am willing to hurt you if that’s what’s required. You’re welcome.
3 – I expect to be obeyed. I am a lenient lord, but I expect you to know your place. Yes, I’ll take you out every now and again. Sure I might spoil you and buy you sh*t cuz you’re pretty and you giggle a lot. Just so long as you remember that I’m in charge and you must obey my every whim. Why? Because I’m a guy, duh. When the zombie hordes rise up from their graves to feast upon the flesh of all humanity who are you going to expect to save your jiggly butt? Me, the man. Since I’m out there putting my life on the line I get to be the boss.
Now a little about me. Right now I’m a writer, but as soon as my kids get old enough to fend for themselves I fully intent to become the dictator of some third world country. I’m pretty sarcastic. I love people of intelligence, who don’t offend easily and who have a good sense of humor. My hobbies include picking fights with total strangers who happen to be bigger and scarier than me and collecting stamps. I will never grow old because I intend to fight a great white shark to the death with nothing but my bare hands and a raging hard-on.
What am I looking for in a mate? I’d like to find a loving, caring woman who is really a ninja assassin hired to kill me.