So I guess my dear one's spy's finally found this one, and now that She's seen it, is the reason She wants to get me fired from a job I've been applying for, for at least 10 years, a job I was finally blessed with because it was part of Gods plan that I would begin to support Her and the kids. WHY She just can't TRY me on my promises, and if I fail then no responsibility rests on Her, but only on ME... Is She so afraid that I may mean what I say, that I will do whatever is necessary to make life better for Her and the children ? That I actually DO Love Her THAT much ???
The remainder of this text was written BEFORE any agreements for no contact, so I'm leaving it intact...
I'm tired of playing this game, Amanda.
I Love You, with all my heart, soul, mind, and body...
You say you can't work in the church kitchen while I'm there, because you can't concentrate.
(and yes... I've been told that you're also trembling and shaking when I'm there)
(does my voice and presence affect you the same way that yours affects me ?)
And your actions of closing the kitchen door, and blocking the windows doesn't work for either of us, I still tremble, do you ?
If we were at least talking and spending some minimal time together, the severe way we effect each other would diminish.
I shake as well, when I see you and hear your voice, my legs get weak and it's hard to breathe, and it's because I Love You SO Much !
And can think of nothing else but holding you in my arms, feeling you breathe, your heart beat, and having your scent surround me.
My heart races every time I see you, and in the 6 months we've been apart, that hasn't subsided. And my commitment to Love you is stronger than ever.
But I have changed... I've learned that I can't go crazy for you in public like I did before (among other things), and can't insist on how I believe we are meant to be together - If I want to have you near me (even though we both know that IS my hope and prayer. If that's Gods' plan, it will happen.).
I had NO IDEA that being without you was going to be so traumatic. Allowing my passion to rule me, is just not worth the cost of not having you near.
I don't know if you're not able to concentrate on your work because you Love me ? Or hate Me ?
You must know by now that I'll wait a lifetime for you, but it's time for you to let me know which it is.
(you don't need to share it with anyone but me, if it IS Love)
I need to know whether to fight to keep my family house, or let the County take it away.
If you HATE me, then I'm screwed.
If you HATE me, why is it so hard for you to tell me that you NEVER EVER want to see me, or hear from me again ?!
If that is what you REALLY TRULY HONESTLY want, then I need you to tell me to my face, not through other people, or by texting.
If you LOVE Me, then just admit it, lets start as friends again, and begin dealing with the feelings we have for each other, in a positive fashion. Dragging this out is doing neither of us any good. We either need to figure out if you're going to continue to hate me, or accept that we could Love Each Other, and begin making progress toward that eventuality.
As I'm sitting here in the Marketplace, I can barely type this, because I am shaking so much, thinking that you might actually LOVE me, but being more confused than any man has ever been, not knowing if it's Love or Hate.
I'm not saying we HAVE to make a lifetime commitment right away (or at ALL), but if you REALLY! think you could Love me, lets at least work toward that 'goal'.
If you DO want to make that kind of a commitment, I'm willing to do that, but I have to tell you, it will probably be about a year before I am at a place to support You, CJ, and Sue (unless a miracle happens). And until I place a ring on your finger, and you place one on mine, I have no rights to say how you should live your life, or who you should spend time with. I will trust in what feeling(s) you say you have for me to guide your own actions. I just need to know that I'm not simply a low-level "option" in your life. That we are actually moving toward a possible goal of a lifetime together, or not.
You'll notice that I've changed my profile setting about wanting children to 'Open'.
If You and I don't have another child, then I'll accept that, and be the best Dad I can be to CJ and Sue.
If you and I DO have another child, I'll consider it an honor from you, and a blessing from above.
And like I said before, I don't want to damage our future together with premarital sex. Is THAT? why you started keeping your distance and not communicating with me ? If you don't 'hate' me, do you Love me SO much that you didn't think we could resist the temptation of that, if we were to start spending time together again ? I know it doesn't make sense, but it is THAT Love that will keep it from happening, because I think we BOTH know that I'm right when I say it would destroy our respect for each other to have sex outside of marriage, and if we DO BOTH Love each other, then that will be the LAST thing we want to have happen... It's my desire for our wedding night - if/when we get to that point, to be the first for the two of us.
In mid-July you told me to trust you to not allow the 'making out' to go too far...
Now I'm asking you to trust ME, in that same thing. Together WE CAN do this and succeed.
Just understand that if I pull back from you, it's NOT because I don't WANT to 'Just Shut Up and Kiss You', or that I don't Love You, it's because I DO!
And as for the notes I sent you talking about intercourse ? I didn't understand what you needed, and at that time - all I wanted to do was give you what you desired. But when the time came to be separated from you for 4+ months, I realized that there WAS at least ONE desire I wasn't going to be able to give you without serious difficulty, and extreme chances of failure, if at all... I guess I proved THAT to be true... But in reality, wouldn't that be a positive, to NOT be able to be without you for more than a couple days without going nuts ?
I Love you SO Much, Darling...
First Date ???? LOL
I think we already had that, and as I type this we're less that a week away from our 7 month Anniversary of that event.
(but if you'd like to start again at that point, we can have another "first date", if/when we get to that point)
I'm STILL So Proud of you, and have such great respect for what you did that evening. That was such a GOOD start!
Unfortunately what you've been doing in the last 5 months has severely damaged that respect. As I'm sure I have with you as well.
Like posting to sites like this... But I don't think it's beyond repair, we just BOTH need to be VERY honest with each other.
And practice caring for and considering each other first, even if/when we don't FEEL like doing it, or feel we SHOULD..
AND... We need to TALK more. If I do something that pisses you off, get in my face and TELL me.
Don't hold it in until it makes you sick, and MAD! And if that means getting my attention physically, DO IT!
There's nothing you can do to make me Love you less.
Until I'm back to work, we probably won't have much opportunity/funds for dating, at least in the way I'd LIKE to court you.
But once I am, it would be nice to be able to go out for dinner with you every so often.
Maybe take some dance classes, so we can go out dancing when we want, and have fun together.
I guess all this comes down to whether you Love me, or Hate me. We BOTH know how *I* feel...
I have my suspicions (hopes) that you Love me, but I can't be sure...
I'm sure everyone around you thinks it's hate.
And considers me a FOOL for still Loving Her even more than in the beginning...
My interests, desires, hopes, and prayers remain unchanged, although *I* am changing, and I hope becoming the Man I need to be for Her.
That process would be a LOT more efficient with input from HER...