It was SO DIFFICULT to finish this profile. Nothing but problems with the pictures! I wanted to do the standard shirtless selfie in my bathroom, like the other quality guys always do (because women love that) but the tattoos on my chest unmistakably identify me as part of Seal Team 6 Special Ops, so THAT was out. I simply CANNOT reveal that I’m Seal Team 6. I wanted to have a picture of me kneeling over dead game, wearing my cammies and big grin, but dangit, I can’t do that either because I don’t hunt for dear or elk or anything else like that, I do contract work for the upcoming (and highly secret) Jurassic Park Caribbean where I take down VELOCIRAPTORS that get OUT OF CONTAINMENT. Way cooler than huntin’ for Bambi, but once again, CLASSIFIED so I can’t TALK ABOUT IT let alone show you PICTURES! I thought about a pic of me and my Tesla, but it just seemed kinda arrogant, y’know? Problem is, Tesla is all I drive. Along with my Lamborghini and specially modified Hummer. What’s a guy like me to do? Rent a Chevy from Enterprise for a pic of me and car just so I don’t PUT WOMEN OFF? Eh. Too much trouble. Leave the car pic out. But I was REALLY BUMMED ABOUT THAT! And of course, I can’t take a picture of me and my friends, because I DON’T HAVE ANY! The life I lead is too DANGEROUS! Too classified. I can’t run the risk of having “friends,” for God’s sake, they could get KILLED just by KNOWING ME!
So I figured I’d get on here and find a woman to hang out with.
Cuz, y’know, this James Rambo Bond stuff gets kinda lonesome. This saving the world thing. Heavy weighs the burden, ‘s all I’m sayin’. I would like to find a woman who won’t GET MAD when I have to leave in the middle of the night and jump on a Gulf Stream so I can jet to an undisclosed, secured location and meet with the President’s top advisors about a situation that threatens national security, or something less important, like maybe the planet blowing up from an alien ray shot at us from the Andromeda galaxy. Is that so much to ask? Seems like it sometimes. My last three girlfriends, all they did was complain. “NOW where are you going?!” Heavy sigh. “Well EXCUSE ME for DISTURBING YOUR SLEEP YOUR MAJESTY, but it just so happens that there’s a NINETY KILOTON NUCLEAR WARHEAD hidden somewhere in TONGANOXIE KANSAS which just so happens to be a VERY IMPORTANT LOCATION in terms of NATIONAL SECURITY for reasons I CAN’T TELL YOU and they’ve got the guy who PUT IT THERE in lockdown and I have to go INTERROGATE HIM with the special techniques I developed for extracting truth from a prisoner while not VIOLATING INTERNATIONAL LAW is that OKAY WITH YOU? HAH?” And then it’s like “well I don’t see why they can’t get someone else to do that you were gonna take me to the swap ‘n shop at 63rd street drive-in in Raytown in the morning and after that Town Topic for a cheeseburger and fries now that plan’s RUINED so I guess I’ll just go back to sleep and then see what my sister is doing maybe her boyfriend has a brother and he UNDERSTANDS A WOMAN’S NEEDS Y’KNOW? Maybe her boyfriend’s brother is something ORDINARY like a TERMITE EXTERMINATOR or maybe a PROCTOLOGIST or something that might actually be INTERESTING for once like a TAX ATTORNEY!”
Can’t a woman just accept me for who I am?