It was SO DIFFICULT to finish this profile. Nothing but problems with the pictures! I wanted to do the standard shirtless selfie in my bathroom, like the other quality guys always do (because women love that) but the tattoos on my chest unmistakably identify me as part of Seal Team 6 Special Ops, so THAT was out. I simply CANNOT reveal that I’m Seal Team 6. I wanted to have a picture of me kneeling over dead game, wearing my cammies and big grin, but dangit, I can’t do that either because I don’t hunt for dear or elk or anything else like that, I do contract work for the upcoming (and highly secret) Jurassic Park Caribbean where I take down VELOCIRAPTORS that get OUT OF CONTAINMENT. Way cooler than huntin’ for Bambi, but once again, CLASSIFIED so I can’t TALK ABOUT IT let alone show you PICTURES! I thought about a pic of me and my Tesla, but it just seemed kinda arrogant, y’know? Problem is, Tesla is all I drive. Along with my Lamborghini and specially modified Hummer. What’s a guy like me to do? Rent a Chevy from Enterprise for a pic of me and car just so I don’t PUT WOMEN OFF? Eh. Too much trouble. Leave the car pic out. But I was REALLY BUMMED ABOUT THAT! And of course, I can’t take a picture of me and my friends, because I DON’T HAVE ANY! The life I lead is too DANGEROUS! Too classified. I can’t run the risk of having “friends,” for God’s sake, they could get KILLED just by KNOWING ME!
So I figured I’d get on here and find a woman to hang out with.
Cuz, y’know, this James Rambo Bond stuff gets kinda lonesome. This saving the world thing. Heavy weighs the burden, ‘s all I’m sayin’. I would like to find a woman who won’t GET MAD when I have to leave in the middle of the night and jump on a Gulf Stream so I can jet to an undisclosed, secured location and meet with the President’s top advisors about a situation that threatens national security, or something less important, like maybe the planet blowing up from an alien ray shot at us from the Andromeda galaxy. Is that so much to ask? Seems like it sometimes. My last three girlfriends, all they did was complain. “NOW where are you going?!” Heavy sigh. “Well EXCUSE ME for DISTURBING YOUR SLEEP YOUR MAJESTY, but it just so happens that there’s a NINETY KILOTON NUCLEAR WARHEAD hidden somewhere in TONGANOXIE KANSAS which just so happens to be a VERY IMPORTANT LOCATION in terms of NATIONAL SECURITY for reasons I CAN’T TELL YOU and they’ve got the guy who PUT IT THERE in lockdown and I have to go INTERROGATE HIM with the special techniques I developed for extracting truth from a prisoner while not VIOLATING INTERNATIONAL LAW is that OKAY WITH YOU? HAH?” And then it’s like “well I don’t see why they can’t get someone else to do that you were gonna take me to the swap ‘n shop at 63rd street drive-in in Raytown in the morning and after that Town Topic for a cheeseburger and fries now that plan’s RUINED so I guess I’ll just go back to sleep and then see what my sister is doing maybe her boyfriend has a brother and he UNDERSTANDS A WOMAN’S NEEDS Y’KNOW? Maybe her boyfriend’s brother is something ORDINARY like a TERMITE EXTERMINATOR or maybe a PROCTOLOGIST or something that might actually be INTERESTING for once like a TAX ATTORNEY!”
Can’t a woman just accept me for who I am?
Something that doesn't involve guns. Or running from Soviet agents on a stolen motorcycle.
The above is meant to make you giggle. Before I added this addendum, someone wrote to me a single sentence: "Your profile doesn't reveal anything about you." Actually, if you think about it, it reveals everything.
Yeah - this online dating thing is a major hassle sometimes. Yeah, people lie. Yeah, you meet them and they're nothing like they presented on here. It's a grind. It's a time suck. It's dehumanizing.
Thus, it's my opinion that it represents an excellent test of your patience, your "positive attitude," and your honesty. These are themes I read constantly on here and other sites. The people who have profiles here often state their criteria for "glass half full" and "honesty" and "being positive" and so on, and they state that criteria in the most militant manner. Is that you? Here's your chance to prove it isn't. Who are you? Have you become the negative person your profile so sternly warns is unacceptable to you? Is your profile bursting with attitude? Imperious conditions? Is it dripping with your frustration and the sourness of your bad experiences? Then it isn't "positive." It isn't a "glass half full" trip. Think about it.
Thoughtful and intelligent people my age are highly complex and specialized, that's why it's so hard to match up. It's not that we're "set in our ways." It simply that we HAVE our ways. We're formed people, unlike the nearly brainless boobs we were at twenty. When you've been through a divorce or two, buried some relatives, had some career changes, been awake half the night waiting for MRI results, that's when you've lived. By that time, you're utterly unique, or you should be. Complicated. Unlike anyone else. That's why it takes a longer time to find your mate. And I've been here a long time. But I'm not angry at you about that. In fact, I'm not angry at all. That's why my profile is fun. I'm positive. Still. This is proof. I never give up. The only failure in life is when you quit.
Are you angry?
Has it become difficult for you to have fun with this?
Will I be automatically scrutinized for all the challenging things you've had to deal with until now?
If no to those questions; if you haven't become so jaded you carry a chip on your shoulder; if you can still laugh about this crazy little exercise; then we should talk. And I promise I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
All I ask is to get the same from you.