Someone out there is plowing my future wife, and somehow I'm okay with it.
Ladies, guys are sick of hearing you ask where all the "nice guys" are at, here's a hint, they're in the friend zone where you left them.
I've been called a d!ck before, is it because I shrivel up when it's cold outside?
So, there I was walking down the street when suddenly my cucumber fell out of my pants! I go, "Holy crap! My cucumber just fell out of my pants!" I picked it up, brushed off the dirt, and stuck it back my pants. I looked over and saw a girl standing nearby with a questionable look imprinted on her delicate but beautiful face (which there should be). I read her mind; it's not every day a cucumber falls out of a man's pants now, so I said with the kindest words "Oh, don't worry about me I have two in there." And I walked away.
After you read this, let me if I'm coming off C ock y, and tell me if it is a bad thing or a good thing, thanks!
Ok, I didn't think this was nessesary, but I had a guy message me - that scared me because I thought that was disabled, so if you have, (had) or will have a penis in anyway, shape, or form don't message me! I like vagina, enough said. My heart sank there for a moment. I'm going to have to figure out how to prevent this from happening in the future! Maybe this paragraph will prevent it, hmmm...
EDIT: Ok what the hell is going on? I keep running into profiles of transsexuals!
WARNING: this is going to sound harsh... but WTF? I just want to meet a nice, young lady and it's really ruining this online dating experience by seeing transsexuals "all up in here" (thank you 90's for that quote), because for one: I want a natual born woman, Second: I don't know how many more are hiding out there. And for those of you that have revealed themselves as transsexuals on your headline, thank you. But this site needs to work out this problem. Maybe in the profile under gender have male... female... and transsexual. That's all I'm saying. (After reading this I sound pretty pissed). Nothing against transsexuals or anything because who am I to judge how you live? But gosh darn it, I've seen some pretty (not the beautiful kind), manly women on her that make me look like a little, sissy girl. That's a sad truth.
Let's take a breather shall we...
So, you decided to checkout my profile, good for you. Now is probably the best time to warn you that if you continue reading my profile you're just going to want to meet me. Why??? Let's face it, I'm cool and you want to be cool too. I'm like smoking, I'm cool at first, maybe even a rebel and then BAM! I become a bad habit and you can't get rid of me. Let's throw in peer pressure while we're at it, because if you don't want to meet me, then you're not cool or maybe you're a lesbian, I don't know!
Well, my name is Chris and if you want to get to know me send a message!
Here's a friendly tip (I'm going to sound like a complete a***hole) but here we go... If you're in a photo with better looking girls in it than you, us guys would prefer those cuter girls, just saying. The tip is: If you're going to have other people in your photos, fill it up with the ugliest friends you got, that way us guys can clearly see that you are much better looking than your friends. We just need to see a contrast of looks so there's no temptation. One ugly friend can make you look like a beauty goddess. Now I know what your going to say... "Who's that hunk with you in your Empire State Building pic?" Ahh, well played. To answer that, that is my brother, and he is jailbait... and that my friend makes you a pedophile for thinking this young boy was a "hunk", and I can't be friends with pedophiles, so I take back what I said about you being my friend. Sometimes I amaze myself with things I come up with. I may be too smart for my own good.
I'm going to say this once, but smoking is unattractive, ladies! However, for some reason, every girl I ever dated smoked (YIKES). I mean, who in their right mind actively seeks out cancer? Not this guy (two thumbs pointing at myself like a douche). SOOOOO, that's where I'm coming from, buttercup (from the powerpuff girls).
I'm not a mans man, no, I'm a ladies man, because I'm not gay...
Hey ladies, what's up with the dyke haircuts? If I don't ask, who will?
Also I'd like to be the first to say "thank you ladies for the cleavage shots" us guys appreciate it. I'd return the favor but they don't allow "ball cleavage" on here, sorry, I tried :( No, that's a joke, gross... ball cleavage... who wants to see that?
They say nice guys finish last, well I'm in the back with a baseball bat making my way to the front.