Let's look at this like a job interview:
1. You must be old enough to work here. Which means 25 and over.
2. You must have your own transportation (the COTA bus IS NOT a valid answer).
3. If you were fired from your last relationship for being unreliable, stealing, cheating, or excessive tardiness/absenteeism, you need not apply.
4. In the event you are offered an in-person interview, failure to show up results in your resume being tossed in the "hell no" bin.
5. You must be fluent in sarcasm. The bullsh*t gets thick around this office. You must be able to instigate, as well as reciprocate. No exceptions.
6. Ignorant, trashy, racist, and low-class individuals will not receive an interview.
7. Tattoos and piercings are ACCEPTABLE at this job, though not required.
8. Having a gallery full of selfies is like posing as your own reference...multiple times. You should have some pics that prove you have friends, and that you leave your bathroom on some kind of regular basis.
9. Bending the rules and listing yourself as "slim" or "athletic", when you are clearly neither, is mis-representing yourself and will be considered lying on the resume.
10. This position is open only for individuals capable of committing to one (1) workplace. Starting and/or maintaining a second or third job, while working here, constitutes a conflict of interest. This will result in security throwing you out on your ass.
Please keep in mind that you are not applying at a Denny's or K-mart :)