After perusing a million profiles, it seems like I've read the same carbon copy narrative a million times over. Before I continue, I feel the need to parse my point by interjecting a modest disclaimer: I'm not some savant perched on a hill casting down a luminous beacon of knowledge on the dark valleys of the masses like the last holdout of an archaic precept. I'm simply a pensive wide-eyed observer sailing through the currents of contemporary thought while trying to weave a coherent worldview. Still there's nothing wrong with a little tanning, texting, and bieber so in the spirit of kowtowing to the cliche, I thought I would offer my version of the over-trodden cliche profile. I'm not just saying that because I'm a writer suffering a severe bout of writer's block. That never happens in the real world. The irony of it is just too caustic.
Simply put I am paradoxical, unconventional, self-deprecating, and susceptible to moments of verbosity. Above all, I’m categorically opposed to corny humor. Mine is of the legume variety. If I could make the next rocky sequel, I’d pit stallone against his toughest opponent yet: the english language. If I incorporate spinach into everything I eat, I find bliss. If I don't it usually means an adverse reaction to a food allergy. I believe there’s ultimate evil in this world, and its name is bill belichick. I have a boundless enthusiasm for lost causes. Go Bills. My athletic proficiency is as follows: I can run a 40yd dash faster than rich eisen, yet will find myself outpaced by vince wilfork to the nearest buffet. I’m a better passer than kobe is, and the first time I tried to catch a fly ball; I got a black eye. I think a good book raises compelling questions but not necessarily definitive answers. I think it's swell when people value the importance of education. I'm really impressed when people can write the statement in their profiles without a barrage of grammatical errors. I once failed my high school english course. In some profound moment where a first impression is invariably paramount to my success or vitality like an interview or first date or public speaking I want to deliver, with ultimate authority and conviction the unanticipated phrase, "bill. f ucking. murray". Although the time you're spending on this profile is keeping you from something productive, it's also keeping you from doing something destructive. Bill. F ucking. Murray. There I did it. I can get myself lost on any given road and yet eventually find my way. It's usually pointless to ask for directions if you don't know where you're going. Besides in any given american city all roads lead to martin luther king jr drive. Two wrongs don't make a right, but two rights mean you're going in the opposite direction.
Dispensing with the perfunctory prose posthaste, I've realized I don't need a genius or a super hero with death ray and a dirigible (that would be pretty spiffy though). I'd be perfectly content to find someone with intellectual curiosity. There's a famous expression about art for art's sake being an empty phrase. I think a similar conclusion about knowledge could be reached and I would condense the thought into the following statement: Knowledge for knowledge's sake is an empty pursuit. Knowledge for the sake of wisdom is more fulfilling. I think there's more truth and beauty in someone who can help me achieve that. Really, I'm just an indomitable soul looking for an indefatigable spirit.
Conversation Starters (i.e. what you'd like to do on a first date...)
At the risk of delving into an antiheroic barb, I've never understood the whole knight in shining armor bit. It may seem that all we want is someone to save us from the drudgery and doldrums of life's trenches, but a serenity of a shiny suit of armor populated by the metals of distinction of tiny thoughts of an existence un-lived and the comforting quiet consistency of the mediocrity of unmet challenges seems like an entirely farcical wasteland of delusion that I find wholly unappealing. There may be nothing more terrifying than going over the parapet but there's nothing hollow about forging into the unknown. I'm the type of person that likes to push to parts unseen and thoughts unconsidered because I think life is best lived on the periphery where the art of discovery and the discovery of art can meld at the margins into something wondrous. This profile isn't for everyone, or most people for that matter. But that's the point.