[ Disclaimer, everything you read from this point on is for the sake of humor and laughter. none of it, and I mean none of it, is to be taken seriously at all.]
I could say a lot about myself...( and I have.) But, in all honesty, it would match up with me. I'm not the best guy to sell myself in this format. I'm a face to face. type of guy.
I have been told that I'm funny. I've been told that I'm sweet. I've been told I'm sexy. Then I was told I have 30 days to pay this ticket. :/ So you can see it's hard to take the opinion of a state trooper after he give you a ticket.
(apparently men in uniform find me attractive... there was an incident with E.M.T once but I'm not ready to talk about it.)*AHEM* Annnnnyway, I don't know if that's a plus or minus for the ladies, tho.
also I don't have the best luck with women.... ( never date a woman who can handle explosives... or firearms... or kitchen knives... or folding chair... there once was a girl who is really dangerous is a pair of pot holders & A soup ladle. she called Me snuckums when she knocked me out with a 3 foot loaf of french bread and decided I look better with a nice layer of pesto sauce on my face. handcuffs and the food network, sounded like a good idea in the begin.)Then There was the girl who was really into The "Home & Garden Network". Who ever told that woman that a "Garden Trowel" could double as a "Marital aid" as well as a tool to get great top soil, should be shot...Twice. Everything was a surprise quiz with the girl who loved the "History Channel" ( How the Hell am I supposed to know who the last Emperor of Russia, Grand Duke of Finland, was!? Not the thing you want a gal to say in bed.) Another Gal I dated was a "Military History buff", "Vietnam conflict" era . (Picture a privet reenactment of a walk of the "Ho Chi Minh trail", Minus pants. Just cus it gets her hot when I surrender...Really!?) The girl who was a "Law & Order" fan was fun but...I always had to spout legal precedents on why me kissing her didn't constitute "harassment" or "sexual aggression" "as in the case of Burlington Industries v. Kimberly Ellerth" or " Dov Charney v. American Apparel Inc. Employees". I have to admit, I did get a little turn on when she would "over rule" me in more ways than one but I drew the line to having to make that "DONG DONG" every time I entered a room, left a room, had an idea, hailed a cab, or disrobed. (That's what I get for going after women who's interests directly correlate with popular "Basic cable channels".
I could do the standard "Date profile" thing...Sell myself with charm and appeal that would be a verbal equivalent of a "Cialis" commercial. "...(36 hour variety) The question would be, Who am I Bull shitting? You? Or me? Do you want to go out with me? Or my social resume? I could give you Three Ex girlfriends as reference but it would be hard to find one that wasn't (1) Married,(2) heavily medicated, (3) heavily armed or all the above.(Oddly enough, if they are 1 then chances are they are also 2 & 3 .) I could tell you That I'm "Outgoing" But, FOR THE LIFE OF ME I do not know what that means. "Webster" has ten, TEN! Definitions for outgoing. 7-10 have to do with social interaction. Other men can be "outgoing" I'm "Incoming, God dammit! So grab a helmet. I could give you a list of the things i like to do when I have Free time. "Shark surfing", "Bare Tickling", Snake hugging", "Lava sipping", "Tornado diving", "Tsunami showering", "Glacier kicking", making fun of "Sea Team Six's" hair cuts, bailing "Charlie sheen" from Mexico...Again. (I was thinking of dating a "Kardashian" but I gota build up the courage first.) I could tell you about my favorite sport, but, common! Show of hands, How many of you ladies out there fallow the world of professional "tiddlywinks"? Be honest. (Sports gone down hill since "Free agents" and "4 loco" became the official Drink of "P.T.W".) I could tell you That I'm "adventurous" & "open minded". But, my attorney has advised me not to use such adjectives to describe myself or else, *AHEM* "Go on another "adventurous" ride with another "open minded" kidnapper wanted by Federal Authorities. (Man! 5foot 97lbs female or not, when a state agent says they will put you down they are not kidding. Six 200lbs officers hit that girl like it was the last ten seconds of the "Superbowl" and she was gona make the game changing touch down.)
Okay! Time to talk about online dating. Dating sucks, Online dating.... sucks like a Dyson vacuum with a hose attachment. It lacks the joy of regular dating with the requirements and formality of a job interview with all the skill sets of A sixth grade spelling bee and the grammar of A.d.d afflicted kindergartener. ( A truly phenomenal way for one to find a significant other... Truly.)
This is much more preferable then to go to a bar, meet someone face to face, drink a liquor store amount of booze, then wake up floor of their bedroom or the back of the van or hot tube. Looking for that wonderful combination of your shoes underwear and dignity simultaneously and failing to find all three. But still have the memory of the tingle in all the right places the night before makes it all worth it... Sort of.(Ah, high school. Such fond memories)
Ok, real talk. All I'm trying to be is a good man in A world that does nothing but punish you for it. Why is that so bad? What is this standard that I can't meet at first glance? Give respect and dignity and it is immediately dismissed and ignored. Give disrespect and humiliation are you become the object of desire and given full attention too.
It makes me chuckle how some can see the comedy in that and others who do and still continue on the same circle. (I'm looking at you, Frank! We're not going flamenco dancing! Stop telling people that! No means, "NO!" Frank.)
And how some can create and entire relationship out of a simple everyday introduction That happen over the World wide web. (Debbie!? Stop telling people I'm the father of your baby... We never physically met. We only wrote. You we're never pregnant...you adopted the baby...From "Prague"... Last week. No more wine with your Meds. Ok?)