We would all like to meet our ideal mate in life. But, what is ideal? Someone who never Poops!? (Poop is a metaphor in this case.) If I meet a gal like that I would be uncomfortable with her lack of poop. ( Ok. The metaphor is failing big time.) What I am trying to say is "actual" is what we always get and we constantly knock it around or away with "ideal"
"Ideal". An incredibly sexy hard body with great proportions, a bright personality with the right touch of mystery and comic timing. Having the financial backing equal to a social networking billionaire and all the cooking skills of six Food network stars..... (Holy shit,We all want Giada De Laurentiis.)
"Actual" An incredibly... "Eh" soft body that jogs once in awhile with... almost even proportions, a slightly neurotic personality with the right touch of narcissism and simple sarcastic timing. Having the financial backing equal to a Starbucks barista with groupon dinner for two and all the cooking skills of three college freshmen holding a three hour old greasy bag chalupas from Taco Bell and a partially cooked pot of store brand of ramen.
I could say a lot about myself...( and I have.) But, in all honesty, it would match up with me. I'm not the best guy to sell myself in this format. I'm a face to face. type of guy..Also I don't have the best luck with women.... ( never date a woman who can handle explosives... or firearms... or kitchen knives... or folding chair... there once was a girl who is really dangerous is a pair of pot holders & A soup ladle. she called Me snuckums when she knocked me out with a 3 foot loaf of french bread and decided I look better with a nice layer of pesto sauce on my face. handcuffs and the food network, sounded like a good idea in the begin.)Then There was the girl who was really into The "Home & Garden Network". Who ever told that woman that a "Garden Trowel" could double as a "Marital aid" as well as a tool to get great top soil, should be shot...Twice. Everything was a surprise quiz with the girl who loved the "History Channel" ( How the Hell am I supposed to know who the last Emperor of Russia, Grand Duke of Finland, was!? Not the thing you want a gal to say in bed.) Another Gal I dated was a "Military History buff", "Vietnam conflict" era . (Picture a privet reenactment of a walk of the "Ho Chi Minh trail", Minus pants. Just cus it gets her hot when I surrender...Really!?) The girl who was a "Law & Order" fan was fun but...I always had to spout legal precedents on why me kissing her didn't constitute "harassment" or "sexual aggression" "as in the case of Burlington Industries v. Kimberly Ellerth" or " Dov Charney v. American Apparel Inc. Employees". I have to admit, I did get a little turn on when she would "over rule" me in more ways than one but I drew the line to having to make that "DONG DONG" every time I entered a room, left a room, had an idea, hailed a cab, or disrobed. (That's what I get for going after women who's interests directly correlate with popular "Basic cable channels".
I could do the standard "Date profile" thing...Sell myself with charm and appeal that would be a verbal equivalent of a "Cialis" commercial. "...(36 hour variety) The question would be, Who am I Bull shitting? You? Or me? Do you want to go out with me? Or my social resume? I could give you Three Ex girlfriends as reference but it would be hard to find one that wasn't (1) Married,(2) heavily medicated, (3) heavily armed or all the above.(Oddly enough, if they are 1 then chances are they are also 2 & 3 .) I could tell you That I'm "Outgoing" But, FOR THE LIFE OF ME I do not know what that means. "Webster" has ten, TEN! Definitions for outgoing. 7-10 have to do with social interaction. Other men can be "outgoing" I'm "Incoming, God dammit! So grab a helmet. I could give you a list of the things i like to do when I have Free time. "Shark surfing", "Bare Tickling", Snake hugging", "Lava sipping", "Tornado diving", "Tsunami showering", "Glacier kicking", making fun of "Sea Team Six's" hair cuts, bailing "Charlie sheen" from Mexico...Again. (I was thinking of dating a "Kardashian" but I gota build up the courage first.) I could tell you about my favorite sport, but, common! Show of hands, How many of you ladies out there fallow the world of professional "tiddlywinks"? Be honest. (Sports gone down hill since "Free agents" and "4 loco" became the official Drink of "P.T.W".) I could tell you That I'm "adventurous" & "open minded". But, my attorney has advised me not to use such adjectives to describe myself or else, *AHEM* "Go on another "adventurous" ride with another "open minded" kidnapper wanted by Federal Authorities. (Man! 5foot 97lbs female or not, when a federal task force officer says they will put you down they are not kidding. Six 200lbs officers hit that girl like it was the last ten seconds of the "Superbowl" and she was gona make the game changing touch down.)
Okay! Time to talk about online dating. Dating sucks, Online dating.... sucks like a Dyson vacuum with a hose attachment. It lacks the joy of regular dating with the requirements and formality of a job interview with all the skill sets of A sixth grade spelling bee and the grammar of A.d.d afflicted kindergartener. ( A truly phenomenal way for one to find a significant other... Truly.)
This is much more preferable then to go to a bar, meet someone face to face, drink a liquor store amount of booze, then wake up floor of their bedroom or the back of the van or hot tube. Looking for that wonderful combination of your shoes underwear and dignity simultaneously and failing to find all three. But still have the memory of the tingle in all the right places the night before makes it all worth it... Sort of.(Ah, high school. Such fond memories)
I don't know. I've never had an official "date". ( Well, not one that didn't end with me looking at a friends sideways for setting me up with a woman with all the mental faculties of tasmanian devil & all the charmer of an olympic female russian bench presser... bronze medal winner... maybe.) honestly wouldn't know what to do out side of dinner and a movie. Any ideas?
[Agness Manhandle, 92 year resident of the assisted living facility for Vegas show girls]: who do you think you are? Just some sexy whippersnapper to talk about the social comformatories of love and life me and my parent worked so hard to pound into society? Your a Photographer. "On The Ground In Tent City" has nothing to do with love or life. That's right, I read your little book. Cute, But No matter how nice... And firm your ass is *SLAP!!! * What do you know? Why should any of us women listen to you...(RAAWR!!!) [Agness Manhandle, 92 year resident of the assisted living facility for Vegas show girls]:
Awwww. Agness, You read my book... (And, and evidently have a firm grip.) Well...(Wow! Realy firm.) I'm not saying that you have to... Heh! (Somebody want to get Agness!?! No?) Have to listen to... to me. I was talking about... (Holy mother of god, your strong for a woman in a chair Heh!) I'm just STAAAAAATING! HA! (Nurse? Oh NUUUUURES!?) I'm just stating my observations and experiences with THE MODERN DATING WORLD AS A WHOLE!!! (Heehee! Ok then.) The world is changing faster that we're accustomed to. What was once a romantic gesture can now be viewed as harassment...(case in point.) When did asking someone out for coffee take on a whole new meaning? (No, Agness I'm not asking you out for...) SOMEBODY WANT TO GIVE THIS WOMAN HER PILL?!! (Those are not my Keys, Agness! THOSE ARE NOT MY KEEEEEYS!) HOLY SHHHHHH!!! ANYWAYILIKETOTHANKAGNESSMANHANDLEFORHERSTIMULATINGQUESTIONS! (She's got my pants. For The love of... A 72 pound woman in a chair got my pants! NURES!!!)