Well hello. I've never done this before (and I'll bet you've heard that before). I'm 55, and people have always told me that I look a whole lot younger. I have no idea why that is, but I usually attribute it to a lifetime of eccentric immaturity. When I'm brave enough to take a good glimpse into the mirror, I admit I think I'm kind of cute. I'm a very young person with an old and adventurous soul, even though I don't really believe in the "soul" as a solid or dependable thing. I've lived all over the country, spent a good deal of my youngster years in NYC, and had a great time there, memories that I love. But the speed and aggression and especially the NOISE finally drove me out.
Now I live alone in a tiny mountain village that is just like living in the 19th century -- a time I've always loved to study and imagine myself in. After so many years spent in various big cities, my life's desire was to have a little cabin in the mountains. Just about the time (3 years ago) that I had started to tell myself just to snap out of it and get real, I managed to make it happen. My beloved home is now a 100 year old cabin with a front porch that looks directly out at the continental divide: that view greets me every morning and makes me thank my lucky stars.
I am a genuine lover of solitude; it gives me clarity, sanity, and strength. For most of my life I was forever pining for more time alone, and it was never very easy to find. But now that my life has changed so much -- basically I somehow stumbled into the life I ordered long ago -- I have all the beautiful solitude that I could ever want. I'm admitting to myself now that I understand a certain kind of being lonely, a whole lot more than I used to. It's an interesting, new experience for me. I'm not the kind of person who feels desperate for a partner at all. And I do not have conventional ideas about what a good relationship absolutely has to be in order to "make it." But I'm realizing both that I have a lot to offer and would like another shot at healthy, mutually supportive and curious love -- and also that I'm basically just so curious about the nature of intimacy. I see genuine intimacy as one of life's great adventures. It always invites risk and sorrow into your life, I don't think one can have real love without the hard parts -- but that's what makes us human and interesting, no? So I'd love to give it another shot, to learn more about what we all want, the understanding and acceptance and infinite mystery of another person. (I'm happy to tell you about my past relationships if you're interested. I really don't consider any relationships "failures" just because they had to end -- we learn something from everyone who crosses our paths, no matter how long they can stay.)
I'm not interested in leading a safe, conventional, no-surprises kind of life. I'd like to be on the fearless side, and to be open to the possibility that someone might feel the way I do about passionate conversation, mutual respect and sensuality, great sex and emotional adventure and high humor and the small, powerful beauties of sharing daily ( or weekly or monthly) life.
Now don't get me wrong, I really don't have a whole lot of interest in marriage -- though I've really got it through my hard head by now that ANYTHING is possible. I finally know better than to say I'll "never" do a particular thing...that's just a way of causing that thing to happen, seems like.
Ok, so more about me. I'm a Buddhist, but not an overly-earnest, rigid, humorless religious type who hits people over the head with my all-powerful wisdom or know-it-all compassion. Anything but, honestly. The kind of Buddhism that I practice and study includes a lot of humor, a basic joy in ordinary life, plenty of doubts, and plenty of wiggle room. I just find that the basic concepts of this ancient philosophy (it's that much more than a "religion") help me so much to stay sane, grounded, and less determined to hang onto the wishful thinking of somehow finding a way to "manage" my life so that everything will come out all nice and non-risky and just exactly how I want it. THAT, my friends, is a pipe dream, and such thinking causes so much suffering to us human beans. What I've learned is very ordinary: relaxing with myself and my life just the way it is, while also trusting that I can always be a better person, and being open to the ever-shifting difficulty and sadness and surprise and beauty and heartbreak and happiness of life, without too much blame or judgement or control-freak behavior, is a lovely way to live.
By now you see that I am a writer, that I don't do "sound bites," that I love language and am not too brief in the way I come up with sentences and ideas. I do love to write -- and I'd love to begin getting to know someone by writing long emails. If you don't have the patience for that we probably wouldn't hit it off, and I wish you well.
To quote a favorite Iris Murdoch novel, I'm a "word child." Reading is a life long passion. I've published two books of poems, and have several new projects in the works now, fiction and non-fiction. I have a blog, and if you'd like to know me better I'll tell you where it is. I love philosophy and there's no bottom to my curiosity and love of learning. I love to laugh....no, I mean, I need to laugh. If someone can't make me laugh, like all the time, well, no hard feelings. I love long, lingering, philosophical conversations, one on one, all through the day or night -- and hey, you know you can have long philosophical deep conversations about sex, right? I'd prefer someone who isn't squeemish about that lovely terrain.
I think I need beauty in my life more than I need air, really. I'm for d*mn sure not rich, but I have a wealth of natural and home-made beauty around me in all forms. Couldn't live without it. In addition to writing I'm an artist, and work with paint and found objects. I make boxes constructed of all kinds of things -- sometimes as "portraits" of dear friends. Check out the work of Joseph Cornell. He's my main inspiration, and his gorgeous boxes will show you a lot about what I mean by beauty.
What else. I believe in kindness, though I have to watch my mind sometimes....I just can't abide mean or aggressive or stupid people, and I can get a bit twisty in snide remarks if I'm not careful (and I do try to be careful). I think that harshly judging the way other people lead their lives is an awful, damaging thing, and a waste of time too. I'm learning to cut it out, I hope.
I really love music, especially bluegrass, old timey sweet songs, all kinds of harmonies (I love to sing), 60s music (if you don't love the Beatles, just don't tell me!), opera, Debussy, Glen Gould, Emmy Lou Harris -- YIKES, I see they've cut me off! Hate that! If you're still hanging in, give me an email, I'm listening.
If we had the chance to begin in person, something like this:
Simply getting together in a quiet cafe with decent (quiet and lovely) atmosphere, for coffee or tea, and a whole afternoon just to talk and talk, and definitely to laugh -- if we don't laugh I'd have to call the cops. You've been warned. I really love and get excited about good, thoughtful, intelligent questions. Love to receive and to answer and to ask them, nothing's off limits, no sir. You'll really get me on your team if you can ask a good question and be curious about my answers. My basic requirement for a friend or lover (and my good friendships can be just as passionate and devoted as a love relationship), is that they be intelligent, funny, not earnest or self-important, CURIOUS, open minded and not totally set on any particular outcome or demand. I would respond with a bang to someone who didn't take themselves too seriously, and especially did not have a whole suitcase full of definite, rigid ideas about what a relationship has to be.
A good long conversation over tea or the beverage of your choice could then lead just about anywhere -- a drive in the mountains to watch the sunset, walking througt a museum or gallery (they do have them here in the wild west) a trip to my house to listen to music, dinner on the front porch (if it's not 20 below), browsing in a bookstore, and just who knows what. For me, the whole deal depends on that first good langorous, talkative talk. The way to my heart, and to my passion and loyalty, is most definitely in really great conversation with someone who loves language and loves to talk about the mind and all of its many fascinating ways. I'd love to hear the story (stories) of your life, and I am a wonderful listener. Ready, set, go.
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