So you want a nice guy that has his stuff together, is photogenic, tall, charming, well built, generous, smart and loyal? A man that actually likes women? Completely healthy, and with a healthy head of hair? Clean shaven, and clean smelling? No tattoos or piercings? From a small town, with small town values? Someone that isn't addicted to anything, including booze, caffeine, drugs, sex, sports, or gambling? Someone who makes a great impression with your friends and family? A guy that is well spoken, well mannered and well dressed? Committed to self improvement, yet won't get preachy if you're not? Educated at top West Coast schools like UCLA and Stanford? Owns property, and has a good job? An ecologically aware man that tries to create less waste as a matter of habit? A partner that won't be jealous or controlling? Someone that can keep you in stitches, or take your breath away? Someone who's creative and not boring?
You're right, I am too good for you. Please skip to the next guy.
Aw, that wasn't very nice. But then how can I have intelligent, photogenic progeny if I'm always the smart and handsome one in a relationship? I wanna be the old ugly guy next to you, then we have a real shot at making vanity babies. Isn't that what everyone wants these days?
All right, I just can't keep a straight face while writing these tongue-in-cheek sentences, but the fact remains that I have to trade up online, as the matronly/man hands/horse jaw/apple doll set seems to have latched onto me. In real life, I'm dating women your daughters' age, because the available women my age either are nowhere to be found, or wouldn't have me. Young women seem much more carefree and welcoming, and don't usually walk around with a scowl on their faces, cursing men beneath their breath. Women my age are easily the most challenging to date, and have the longest laundry lists.
I'd publish a long laundry list as well, if I thought it would help. But women are just as guilty as men when it comes to looking only at photos and skipping the profile. It doesn't matter much what I say here. I would say I like 'em skinny, so at the end of the day I could feel good knowing that my "impossible" standards were the reason for my empty inbox. Wow, I think that just worked.
I'm not missing anything not dating most of you, and vice versa. Most of you don't seem like partner material, so I'm not really interested. And you'd lose interest in me in a flash when you discover I wish to move toward more "equitable" dating after footing the bill exclusively since the 70's. You have money by this point - what's not fair about splitting the bill now? Oh, right, it's not "romantic" if I don't go into hock supporting your lifestyle. I hate dating, and everything that goes with it. Why can't we just fast forward to the sexless cohabitation phase where we tolerate each others' company enough to still make public appearances together? Y'know, like you and your ex before you split. Oops, I need to check my privilege - I have no failed marriage to reference on my end. That's also a big turnoff for many of you, oddly. My suspected lack of commitment vs. your demonstrated lack of commitment - I still don't get it.
Well, if you've actually read this you're one in a hundred, and I congratulate you on taking all the crap that I spewed. It's obvious I have baggage, as you do, and every bad experience I have with women adds to it. I really should thank the women of Los Angeles for being so honest on most of my first dates with you. I get to see all the bad stuff right away, so I don't have to think about any future dates or, God forbid, messy divorces. Women, rather than men, initiate divorce in the U.S. 70% of the time. The divorce rate is over 50% here. Women statistically bounce back from divorce much quicker than men, while the incidence of post-divorce suicide is much higher in men. I have plenty of reasons not to make a bad choice, rather than just making one to later say that I was divorced, like you. And many of you have told me that you're swearing off the concept of re-marrying. Where does that leave my chances for making an honest woman of you? What do you call the ideal match after a divorce or two? Is he still "The One," or something more reflective of your search, like, "number 27"?
Hey, you complain about men not communicating. It's a different problem when they're telling you things you don't wish to hear. Maybe now you'll appreciate that short, bald accountant with the facial tick that doesn't talk much. Happy Fishing.