I am hoping to find a girlfriend.
Someone who likes holding hands and cuddling.
I am willing to accept anyone who is kind, caring, affectionate and loving who has a lot of love in their hearts. I don't judge people by their looks but focus more on the person inside. Honesty and kindness goes a long way with me.
Note: I absolutely can't stand being around people who are drunk and FUBAR. We all did it when we were younger but isn't it about time to grow up and face the real world. If you have a drinking problem then there is absolutely no chance we would get along no matter how attractive or kind you are.
Don't ask me for money. or sex for money. I'm not desperate and I am not a player and I will not pay for a girlfriend.
Love me! don't use me.
Note: below this line is a joke
Oh.. you made it this far? Ok now I have something else to say.
Men and Women sometimes do not understand each other. Words interpreted by a Man can be viewed in a completely different manner by a Woman.
Don't believe me?
Ok then lets see.
How about this? You say your a kind honest caring person that is always willing to help others? Really?
Ok then if you were on a bus full of handicapped people and this guy named Jack asked you for help to get off the bus would you help Jack off?
Oh Really? Not as kind and caring as you thought you were now?
See what I mean?
So you say you like sports? Oh really?
Well I used to be a collector and I used to collect a lot of balls. You name it.. I had tennis balls, ping pong balls, soccer balls, bowling balls.baseballs. You know what I mean? I had a lot of balls. So tell me then if you like sports so much how come you won't come over and play with my balls?
Well when I was younger I had the opportunity of dating the whole girls basketball team and one of the woman I dated was your mother..Who's your Daddy?... I'm your Daddy!... no I'm just kidding,, I'm really 90 years old and I'm your Grandaddy!.. oh your bad !
Want to break up a marriage?
Well as long as they have an answering machine and the wife gets the message first it will work.
Phone the answering machine and leave a message with a deep Mexican accent and say " Hey Mister...stop messing with my sister" The wife gets the message first and Mister is in deep trouble now lol.
Not too long ago I sprained both my arms and hands. I asked the Doctor "How will I poo and pee?" "Who's going to hold my candlestick when I pee and wipe my bum when I poo?" The Doctor said "Don't worry, we will send a nurse over to take care of you" Before you have to go just push this button and someone will come over and help you."
Well that felt a little reassuring until the next day when I had to go to the bathroom. So I pushed the button and withing 20 min this 400 LB Lesbian German Woman named Olga was at my door to help me out. My heart sank when I saw her. I thought I was going to get a babe but instead I got a Nazi Dike from hell and on top of that she has this paddle that looked like a small baseball bat. I asked her "What's with the paddle?" She replied "if you get exited when I hold your candlestick to pee I'm going to whack it with the paddle" I thought , what could be worse than this? I better be a good boy or this lady is going to hurt me bad. Since I had no use of my arms all this lady would have to do is sit on me and I'm finished and totally vulnerable.
All went well for a few days but on the 4th day while I was urinating I got a little exited and she noticed and whacked my candlestick. "OW" I yelled "That's mean!" All I got out of her was an evil grin. I was mad. I thought to myself; "I'm going to get even with this evil woman if it's the last thing I do. I'll never forget what she did to me... this woman is going to pay."
So the next night while I was urinating I stepped backwards while she was holding it and it got loose from her hands so I shook it in every direction and urinated all over the bathroom floor, the toilet seat and Olga. I soaked her good and I was laughing inside. That night Olga paddle whacked my candlestick real bad. I never got a paddle whacking this bad ever. Every time that paddle made contact it was like the same sound you heard when Babe Ruth hit the home run to win the world series in 1928 for the Yankees. Olga had definitively got past third base and hit the home run. I was in so much pain and it permanently scarred me not only physically but emotionally. I thought the worse was over when Olga was leaving that night but I was wrong. The nightmare had just begun. She tightened my belt real tight before she left making sure that there was no way I could get my pants off and then I didn't see her for a week. I kept pushing the button but nobody came.
I had to go to the bathroom bad and nobody would help. I got on the phone and phoned everyone I know. "Please help.. I need you to come over and wipe my bum.. please please!." Everyone thought I was nuts and nobody would come help me. Eventually I urinated and pooed my pants and after awhile it got dry and crusty and my legs were burning from the pee. My pants were loaded with dried poo and It got itchy so bad that I got on the phone begging again for help.." Please help My bum is so itchy please come and scratch it and clean it.. please please!" Again nobody came to help and everyone thought I was nuts.
So I got on the phone and put an add in the paper: Help wanted: "Person needed to hold candlestick and wipe bottoms clean." There are so many people out of work that I was surprised to see that there was a line up 2 blocks long of people lining up to apply to hold my candlestick and wipe my behind.. but when they all saw my loaded pants everyone bailed out...I couldn't even get anyone to scratch that itch either.
Well a week later Olga finally shows up again and I was relieved to see her again. I was beaten and she knew it. I told her that I was sorry and would not give her any reason to whack me with the paddle again if she would clean me up. I never looked back since that day and was glad when I finally regained the use of my arms and hands. I learned a big lesson from it. Always be careful who you allow to hold your candlestick. It's a lesson you learn the hard way.
I always though that if one day I had 2 sons I would call one Frank and the other one Stein. When they grow up I will send Frank and Stein to this prestigious University called "Whats a Matta U".
Well, I'd really like someone to help me build a spaceship to escape from this enslaved prison planet. I already know how to do it but it takes a lot of copper and aluminum and gold to do it. We could find another planet and populate it and become gods. Time will stop for us and we can create anything we need with the devices that we build together. It will be a long first date but no time will have passed.
But before we do that lets get 1000 balloons and inflate them with helium and attach it to a basket...Let's go for a ride baby! When we hit the ionosphere we will start popping the balloons and put on these jet packs and cruise the skies at 300 KPH. I'm not kidding you! Google Jet Man.
I mean the worse that could happen is that you sprain both your arms and hands and meet Olga right?
Well if that doesn't suit you we could go out and walk on water.... ya it's been done before! If you don't succeed try try again lol
No seriously, I have walked on water many times and can show you how easy it is. I can demonstrate it at any frozen pond or Lake or skating rink.
Ok how about this: We could build a floating Island out of Plastic Pop Bottles with soil on top and tons of bottles underneath and anchor it 200 miles offshore and declare it a sovereign country. That would make you the First Lady! Wow how prestigious!
Or we could make use of our 5 senses and see, feel, smell, touch and taste each other.
Did I tell you that I'm a professional potato peeler? Oh Ya I got a degree from Spuds University. If you need potatoes peeled I'm the guy to do it. There's 3012 ways to peel a potato. You do the dishes though.. I hate doing dishes.
Or we could fall madly in love with each other.