I'm a foolish intellectual perfectionist ... who also shirks responsibility! But i cab be a leader given the right circumstances. Looking for a 'lady' with sexy intelligence, style & flair.
Isn't the female brain strange? this is what happens: a female baby is born ... reaches the age of five and has mum read her endless fairytales, sleeping beauty, snow white, etc ... .... ... then there is this huge Golden Gate Bridge gap in her knowledge for the next fifteen yrs! like she's been in cryostasis (frozen)! at the end of it a woman is convinced that the world she now lives in is the same as Mum's bedtime stories! Then, someone has to break it to them gently ... 'Handsome Princes DO NOT exist ... they are NOT real!!!' Real males are mixture of all different colours ... a bit like an oil slick in the North Sea!
DAVID DIMBLEBEY: hello, and a very good evening and welcome to question time. my name is david dimbleby. today we're going to discuss womens rolls in society ... are they treated fairly in the workplace, and just what is the roll of the modern woman? well, to help me answer these questions, once again we have a very distinguished panel of guests. the first of whom sitting on my left is mr roland rat superstar!
ROLAND RAT: YEAHHHAAAAAY ... 'ELLO RAT FANS!!!
DAVID DIMBLEBEY: next, we are very privelegded to have royal blood on the show, all the way from transylvania, but currently an ex-patriot living at sesame street, new york. a very warm welcome to 'the count'.
THE COUNT: i ammmm sso happy tooo be here ... i see zat mr rat is the first panelist ... one panelist! and i am zeee second panelist ... two ... two panelists on question time ... HAHAHAHAHA!!! (stormy thunder & lightening in the studio)
DAVID DIMBLEBEY: sittiing on the right of the count we have keith harris & orville the duck
ORVILLE: i wish i could fly way up to the sky ... but i can't.
KEITH HARRIS: you can orville.
THE COUNT: THREE, FOUR!!! ... FOUR PANELISTS ON QUESTION TIME, HA HA HAHAHA!
DAVID DIMBLEBEY: next to keith and orville we have sooty, sweep & sue the panda bear, as well as mathew corbett
SUE: hello everyone
SOOTY: (whispering in mathew's ear)
MATHEW: (speaking for sooty) who's that miserable looking old fossil?
MATHEW: that's not a miserable old fossil ... that's david dimbleby!
SWEEP: (with water pistol) HHHHMMM HHHMMMM HHHMMMM MMMM MMMM MMMM MMMMM
MATHEW: (speaking for sweep) can you squirt him with your water pistol?
SWEEP: (squirting water pistol) HMMMMM MMMMM MMMM MMMMMMM MMMMMM
MATHEW: (grabbing water pistol) DON'T DO THAT! sorry about this mr dinglby
THE COUNT: EIGHT! EIGHT!!! PANELISTS ON QUESTION TIME!
DAVID DIMBLEBY: actually mathew my name is 'DIMBLEY' ... finally, to my left, we have mr jimmy saville.
JIMMY SAVILLE: (with huge cigar) hello guys and galls ... happy to be here david.
DAVID DIMBLEBY: we'll begin with you jimmy ... do you find women are treated very fairly in
THE COUNT: NINE ... NINE! PANELISTS ON QUESTION TIME!
ROLAND RAT: does he after keep doing that?
THE COUNT: i apologise, but i like to count.
JIMMY SAVILLE: now then ... now then ... now then. the big question, mr dimbleby, is not how many women are treated fairly, but how many women deserve a jim'll fixit badge?
DAVID DIMBLEBY: quite! mr rat would you care to reciprocate?
ROLAND RAT: 'RECIPROCATE' (?) what is that word supposed to mean ... speak english man!
DAVID DIMBLEBY: yes, but the question we're asking ...'
ROLAND RAT: i know what the question is ... i'm not the one who is senile!
ROLAND RAT: what good are women anyway? all they do is stand about preening themselves, more than that green duck over there!
DAVID DIMBLEBY: keith harris and orville, how would you respond to mr rat's comments?
KEITH HARRIS: orville, who is your very best friend?
ORVILLE: you are!
DAVID DIMBLEBY: well, never let it be said that a panelist on this show never answers a question directly.
ROLAND RAT: this is madness, who made up these boring questions anyway ... i'm not getting paid enough for this you know! who cares what women do!
SUE: that is the most sexist irresponsible attitude i've ever heard!
ROLAND RAT (removing microphone) i've had enough of this ... i'm off!
THE COUNT: EIGHT! EIGHT!!! PANELISTS ON QUESTION TIME, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAW!
(HURRICANE, AND THUNDER ANND LIGHTENING IN THE STUDIO, ACCOMPANIED BY THE COUNTS MANIC LAUGHER)
DAVID DIMBLEBY: what are your thoughts sue?
SUE: well mr dimbleby i think women are badly treated in society, they get lower pay in jobs, have to put up with chauvinistic remarks ... and MEN clog up the plug hole in the sink when they shave!
JIMMY SAVILLE: now then! now then! lets not forget, meeting kim wilde, dressing up as a hamster, and having a picnic on the rollercoaster at blackpool! i think that under the circumstances all those little girls and boys certainly deserve a jim'll fix it badge ... wouldn't you concur mr dinglewary?
DAVID DIMBLEBY: actually its 'DINGLEBERRY' ... DING ... DIMBLEBEBY! lets hear from someone else ... sooty what are your thoughts on the issue of the ladies.
SOOTY: (whispering in mathew's ear)
MATHEW: (interpreting) you always use the gents.
MATHEW: were not talking about a washroom. ladies means women, being treated fairly!
sooty (whispering in mathews ear)
MATHEW: can you cast a spell and give women everything they want? that's not a bad idea!
SOOTY: (with magic wand)
sweep: (with tiny xylophone)
MATHEW: everyone remembers the spell don't they? all together now ... IZZY WHIZZY, LETS GET BUSY!'
IZZZZY WHHHHIZZZZY LETSSSS GETTTT BUSYYYY!!!!
DAVID DIMBLEBEY: (with head in hands) well, i think that just about wraps things up for another week ... next week, we'll be discussing proposed legalisation of prostitution. joining me on the panel will be mr ben, david beckham, and hugh grant.
Conversation Starters (i.e. what you'd like to do on a first date...)
i'd call country legend kenny rodgers and have him stand over our dinner table. and recite the following speech:
'Y'know it used to so easy for a lady to find a fantastic boyfriend, someone who would wine and dine a lady, had a romantic heart ... why you could start a whole collection. but women just don't have the time these days to find that perfect man. well, now we've put together the only very best qualities of all those other men you've dated and put them into one original person. you could spend years finding someone like this ... and spend hundreds of dollars! and best of all, absolutely all of his chat up lines are by the original artist! and if you take this guy home today you'll get a free glen medeiros album!'