I was born, screaming, in York, PA in 1984 to a couple of individuals who were trying to escape the New York City poverty in the 1980's by masquerading as New Age Earth-Children and living in a shack in the wilderness. This ordeal toughened me up, and, after becoming proficient with a spear, I killed and skinned my first goat a few weeks later, providing a good supply of food for my destitute family.
At the age of five, I entered Mayglass school, where I spent eight fun-packed years sewing garments together for Fruit of the Loom, for thruppence ha'penny a month. We received regular beatings. On the weekends, I supplemented my income by enlisting in a gang of inner-city pickpockets, managed by a nice old Jewish man named Goldstein. The Jew had a tendency to molest some of the children, which I managed to avoid because of my malnourishment and disease, common to all the children of York. This money paid for my integration into Bridgetown Vocational College, where I did three years of line dancing and two years of tap, under the tutelage of a flamboyant young Venezuelan called Nyron.
However, a sense of deep shame and lack of faith in my own creativity urged me to venture to Philadelphia, where I studied the dynamics and discourse of rectal thermometry. I returned to York embittered by this ordeal, and resolved to re-enter education in the distant lands of the Czech Republic.
I'm now celebrating my 28th year of existence here on Earth, a hunk of rock orbiting a nearby star. I walk upright and I'm warmblooded.