I know EXACTLY what I want in a woman and I will list the criteria now....these are all without exception. And please, read quickly.
*be totally and completely into head games.
*be willing to support an unemployed man by any means necessary.
*be open to booty calls and one night stands.
*be obediant and subserviant.
*like iliterit men hoo kant thpell.
*like a man who lies, cheats and is very abusive.
*have only nude or extremely provocative pictures in her profile.
*be repulsed by romance.
SHE MUST NOT:
*like any sports....especially hockey and football.
*have any type of education whatsoever.
*like to go out or do anything fun or spontaneous.
*like music or movies.
*have any type of sense of humour.
*have any hair on her head....period. (Other body parts notwithstanding)
*be opposed to excessive use of drugs and alcohol at any time of the day.
*have any friends at all....no contact with family a plus.
If this sounds like you, send me a message asking for permission to chat with me. Due to the messages pouring in at an alarming rate, expect a response within 2-4 weeks. If you do not receive a response, myself and my staff have probably decided you are unworthy and do not fit the criteria. We thank you in advance.
Ok, now for the real profile:
*If you 'get' my headline, then we're on the right track already.....
*I'm 100% Italian....except that I'm Canadian-raised.
*I am NOT a typical guy. Well, for the most part anyway.
*I will actually READ your profile.
*I am sweet, outgoing, laid-back and considerate.
*I'll call when I'm late. (See, I told you I'm not a typical guy)
*I'm a patient listener.
*I'm more of a giver than a taker.
*I can spell, use proper punctuation and actually hold an intelligent conversation.
*I love to sing, though not always well.
*I'm a passionate kisser.
*I won't forget your birthday.
*I'm just a big cuddly teddy bear with a bit of a wild side.
*I won't cheat on you.
*I love to go out and have a good time.
*I love to stay in and have a good time.
*I usually don't say "I" this much.
*I'm quick-witted and creative.
*I love music. It can change my mood instantly.
*I would love to cook for you.
*I love to travel and try to go abroad at least once a year.
*I love sports, especially hockey and I bleed Maple Leaf blue. (typical guy alert!)
*I'll make you laugh....sometimes until it hurts.
*I prefer to take things slow.
*I like to do things just because....
*You should have enough similar interests to help us bond, but enough differences to allow us our individuality.
*You can have a conversation with me for more than five minutes before I want you to just shut up.
*You capture me so much that I really want you to just shut up.....and kiss me.
*You should love sports, but it's negotiable!
*You are outgoing, laid-back and secure.
*You have the cutest smile.
*You enjoy your own space as much as I do mine. The time we spend together will always be special while the time apart will keep us wanting more.
*You have eyes that melt me.
*You have beautiful long hair for me to play with.
*I can smile at you while you're sleeping, shake my head and whisper, "What in the world are you doing with me?"
*You intoxicate me with your smell.
*You love to be caressed and shown affection.
*You can trust me.
*You can put up with the things I haven't mentioned here.
Is that sales pitch long enough???
Now, if you've managed to read that WHOLE thing....hunny, you might as well send me a message. No use wasting all that time, right?
***P.S.*** It seems a lot of girls are a little freaked out by guys who add them to their favourites list without attempting to contact them. Well, I have to say that I am guilty of that myself, but there is a reason for it. Maybe some guys do just want to look at a girl's picture for hours on end for his own satisfaction, but I doubt that's why the majority do it. Of course, I can only speak for myself here.
Some girls have very interesting and amusing profiles which I like to go back and read every now and then. Then there are certain girls who catch my attention and intrigue me, but for some reason I feel I'm not yet ready to contact them, but I don't want to lose track of them should I decide to finally make the effort. The only way to do that is to add them as a favourite. That's not so creepy now is it?
What would we do on a first date? Well, that depends on the person and what they like of course. But if I had to go into it blindly, I'd say we start off with dinner. I love a girl who likes food and isn't paranoid about eating more than a crouton at one sitting. Dinner is always good to learn things about people; what they like to eat, what their mannerisms are, whether they like to talk or not and whether they'd offer to pick up the cheque! But seriously, dinner is usually a good place to start to get to know somebody. Maybe even a picnic in the park.
Then we can move on to a little fun....go bowling or mini-golfing or to a sports bar or a jazz lounge or something like that....a place to have a few drinks, loosen up, maybe dance a little, maybe play some pool or foosball, have a few laughs and see what kind of chemistry develops. After that, if things go well, we can take a walk or get an ice cream or coffee before ending the night with a warm tight hug or a soft innocent kiss. I'll end the suspense right now ladies, I am not opposed to a kiss on the first date, so you can all exhale now. And the rest is history....
If all else fails, what's the worst that could happen? Maybe you escape with a new friend....maybe even a new sucker to take money from in poker. Life's an experience....soak it up.
P.S. Call within the next 30 minutes and we'll throw in a second date....absolutely free!!!