NOTE: I have a girlfriend now, so stop messaging me with lewd bedroom suggestions, ladies. If you just want to chat or find a new friend, however, that is fine, but sadly my nether regions are off the table. I had to take them off the table because my girlfriend constantly complained about me putting my junk on the surface where we eat. What a spoilsport.
What is there to say about me except the word "cactus"? Probably lots of other words, now that I think about it. But I am probably too lazy to list those other words. So "cactus" will have to do.
I am basically your run-of-the-mill awesome dude. Occasionally I may just be a walk-of-the-mill dude, but usually I have enough stamina to run those mills. My most noticeable trait is that I'm a raging atheist who abhors creationists. Of course, I am relatively nice to anyone who is not a religious fanatic hell-bent on legislating divisive Christian morality and shoddy science through congress, but I will punch any and all crazy fundamentalists in the face and/or solar plexus. If you're not a crazy speaking-in-tongues type, however, take heart! I will only punch you with half the force I usually reserve for them. Which is still a lot, given my manly strength, but you'll just have to deal with it by curling into a fetal position and praying I get distracted by something shiny.
(Just so you know, I'm not really abusive, although some have said that listening to me speak is just as bad. But I wouldn't hurt a fly. Except the fly that keeps buzzing in my ear. FLY, I AM GOING TO SMASH YOU, YOU SON OF A... Oh, right.)
I can be a very silly person. My sense of humor is best described as "severely corny" or else "make it stop, for the love of God". Those are actual quotes, my friends!
Politically, I'm extremely liberal. I think drugs and prostitution should be legalized, because overdosing on crack while scratching your pubic lice is punishment enough for the folks that indulge in such things. I also support gay marriage. They have the right to be just as unhappy and unfulfilled as heterosexual couples, I say! I am not, however, a hippie type of liberal who tries to police word usage and who thinks stabbing yourself with acupuncture needles can cure cancer.
Anyway, my passion in life is, by far, learning. (Sadly, though, it often gets sidetracked by video games, my incessant popping of bubble wrap, and shiny things that distract me.) I am interested in all sorts of things, including science, barnyard animals, religion, philosophy, shiny things, feces, or wherever these subjects may intersect, like the philosophy of feces. (How many feces can dance on the head of a pin?, Is the true nature of feces material, mental, or is it best defined functionally?, etc.) I only have formal training in barnyard animals, though. Because of my interest in knowledge, however, I consider myself a skeptical person, and I espouse an evidence-based worldview. That means I will continually rain on your parade if you are the type of person that likes to believe frilly things just because they make you happy. And also, that's probably not really rain. (Sorry, I was never housebroken.)
Who am I looking for? A woman with keen intelligence, a sense of humor, and the capacity to endure my insanity. And if you, too, find yourself becoming irate that this site lists lobsters and whales as "fish" personalities, we'd probably get along famously and could spend hours mocking websites that confuse biological taxonomies.
By the way, not all of my interests are pretentious. I also like pure, simple things like taking walks in parks, eating fatty foods, playing with my dog, watching sports, and staring at people for long periods of time until they get freaked out.
Also, if you haven't figured this out, I'm a pretty big dorky nerd. I don't do stuff the typical cool kids do at the clubs and such, and when I do go out drinking it's usually to discuss intellectual crap with my buddies in the St. Louis Skeptical Society. There's nothing quite like trying to explain Godel's Theorem while drunk!
And while I am generally an open minded person, I do expect potential dates to live up to the following standards:
-Must not send me a message of only one sentence that consists of only a "how are you" or else a string of jibberish that barely passes for standard English.
-Must not be overly religious or obsessed with other childish and outlandish myths (like astrology, psychic children, talking snakes, alternative medicine, flying llamas, the female orgasm).
-Must have at least eight fingers, preferably nine. (Women with fewer than eight are bad news. Or lobsters.)
-Must be between 3 foot 5 and 4 foot 6.8 inches tall, with red hair, the ability to wiggle the ears or roll the tongue (but not both!), and no family history of cardiac disease. Must also present at least two character references, of which one of those characters is Tony the Tiger.
-Must realize that this list is tongue-in-cheek and only intended to mock choosy women who produce similar lists naming a vast number of silly characteristics for which they will reject a man. Plus they never make lists that include men like me, asking for characteristics like average height and build, lingering body odor that smells of old cabbage, and tiny hands.
The ideal first date would involve the two of us playing twister with my grandmother and my dog and then forcing the loser to eat a big hunk of cheese sculpted into the shape of a goat while singing mexican folk songs. As you can see, ladies, I know how to party!
At any rate, I enjoy crap like hiking and playing mediocre tennis or playing pool or darts while mildly inebriated. Or we could go to a coffeeshop and talk. I'm also a huge movie lover. I watch everything, though I tend to like artsy crap. (Here's looking at you with a randomly detached eyeball floating in pudding, David Lynch.) I also like quirky comedies and good television series, too, so don't despair if you hate arthouse type films that make you want to commit suicide. Trying new foods is also good times. I've eaten strange things like snails, octopus, pregnant crickets, and fertilized duck eggs. It is my goal in life to eat one unit of every species.
I like to talk about politics, science, and philosophy. If you do, too, immediately disrobe and present yourself to me. With that said, though, I suppose I wouldn't mind any type of conversation, which explains why I'm able to put up with a best friend who talks incessantly about knitting.
Usually I'm pretty quiet. I wouldn't say that I'm shy; I just don't like to talk just for the sake of hearing my own voice, or breaking a silence. Plus I'm usually in a perpetual state of mind where I'm thinking, "Crap, think of something to say to this beautiful girl" instead of actually starting a conversation. Or maybe I'm only quiet because I'm undressing you with my eyes. My eyes, after all, are terribly proficient at undoing bras. Sometimes, however, I will talk incessantly and rapidly about random crap if I am nervous. So if I am talking a lot about random crap with you, it probably means I am nervous and you should slap me with a trout to calm me down. Ah, those soothing trout!
Getting to know someone matters more than the date activity. With the right person, even shoveling manure could be fun. (Although I usually wait until at least the sixth date before the manure-shoveling stage of the relationship.)