Naive, gullible, trusting soul, raised by jackals, but over that now. Just looking to hang with interesting people. Prefer someone college-educated and gainfully employed. No married men, felons, parolees, gangstas or hunters/fishers/shooters. Not interested in macks or people trying to get into the Guinness Book of World Records. Really looking for somebody kind of agreeable that I can chain to my radiator to listen to my rants without attracting the attention of the authorities. Jon Bon Jovi would be nice. Or Jeffrey Osborne. Ooooh, Lionel Richie! It would be great to have someone who sings, fer sure. God should have made at least two of Barry White, don'tcha think? However, you should know I will not eat pork with you in any way, shape, or form. Nor will I wear crotchless pantyhose to your mother's house. And, no, I do NOT want to adopt a baby from any third world country with you. Sorry. My biological imperative has already been fulfilled. (Note: Firemen and policemen MUST bring their coupons for redemption. No exceptions!)
1) Dinner at a nice hillbilly restaurant. Aggravate a few customers by visibly recoiling from the food on their plates (rabid squirrel stew, alligator eyeballs sauteed with braised cojones del toro, fluffy mashed potatoes spiked with seasoned pigeon entrails). 2) Strenuous round of bocce ball, followed by vomiting and sightseeing in an Eastern European neighborhood (think "Borat" here). 3) Drinks and dancing at Brotha's, primarily known for attracting customers with carry-on weapons and a load of paparazzi if "The Dog" is there. (Can't use the restrooms, though, as that's where most of the homicides occur.) 4) So we may have to finish off the evening at the Rock 'n' Roll McDonalds, where at least the restrooms are relatively safe and sanitary, if gay as a French costume ball. 5) Then someplace where neither one of us will be recognized. We don't need to see our shiny, flashlight-lit faces on the front page of the Sun-Times tomorrow. Wait! How many different tuna casseroles can you prepare? Maybe one of them will tickle our fancy.
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