My favorite song lyric is “In the time of chimpanzees, I was a monkey.” That’s my life in 10 words or less. Here are a few additional words:
*I’ve never been thrown out of a club or bar, but one Gasparilla I was walking by a club in Ybor City and a guy being thrown out of the club was thrown into me.
*I once rode 45 different roller coasters over a 3 day period. My head was spinning for days. 3 days, to be exact.
*My high school graduating class had 50 students. My college graduating class had 5000 students. Ever since then, I’ve been incapable of experiencing culture shock.
*I’ve been ambidextrous most of my life. Often during long handwritten essay tests, I’d switch back-and-forth between left and right hands to keep from getting tired, and would get accused of having different people take my test for me since my handwriting is different with each hand.
*I get my picture taken with Elvis whenever I run into him – Voodoofest at New Orleans, Madame Tussaud’s in NYC, Hollywood Boulevard in LA and pretty much whichever direction you turn in Vegas. This will seem less bizarre and random the moment I introduce myself.
*The baseball team I played on in the first grade didn’t win a single game. Over 15 years later, I coached a women’s softball team to three consecutive undefeated intramural championships. The year after the third title, I played on a men’s team that didn’t win a single game.
*I once bought a prom dress for the girl I was dating, then she went to the prom with another guy. Strangely enough, that relationship didn’t work out.
*My senior year of high school football started with 3 straight weeks of practices with 100+ highs and ended with a game played on a frozen field, so I was well-prepared for Florida’s winters when I moved here.
*Last summer I hiked the Chihuahua Desert, both the Texan and Mexican sides, including a perhaps ill-advised trip into Juarez. But, hey, I'm still alive! This summer I’m thinking Death Valley, because apparently 110 degrees just wasn’t hot enough.
*I’ve met approximately half the cast of “Twilight” at various film festivals and conventions my movies have played at. You know, the half that doesn’t include Kristen, Robert, Taylor and Anna.
*The places I’ve never been to that I would most like to visit are Italy, because of the history, art and food, and Scandinavia, particularly Norway and Iceland, because that’s the only major setting of any of my screenplays I’ve never actually been to. Well, another screenplay is set entirely on Mars, but there are some issues with my Martian passport that I’d rather not talk about. Also apparently it would take me several thousand years to accumulate enough frequent flyer points for that flight.
*A few years ago I had an “Oprah moment” and bought one of my down-on-her-luck best friends a car so she would have reliable transportation to and from cosmetology school. Everybody we knew said I was crazy, but that turned out to be a much better investment than the 2008 stock market: she graduated, got her life in order, became a professional hairstylist, traded in the car I bought her for a new one, did the hair on all my films and sometimes cuts my hair for free.
*During my Golden Age of Partying (long gone, alas), I attended/threw parties that ended up with such exotic nicknames as the Piña Colada Party, the Halloween Hurricane Party (a little research and you can probably figure out that year), the Underwear Twister Party, the Black & White & Black Again Party, the South Beach Romp, the Holiday Inn Horror Party, the Porn Star Cookie Party, the Fourth of July Fireworks Fiasco, the It’s Raining on My Parade Party and two consecutive years of St. Patrick’s Day Massacres, which culminated in the April Fool’s Massacre. Which wasn’t a party, it was just a massacre.
*While I was being pushed through a big Gasparilla crowd a few years ago, someone stepped on my shoe and it came off. As it would have been very unwise to bend down and try to pick it up at the time, I came back a few minutes later, only to discover it was missing (or buried deep underneath beer cans). The only other pair of shoes I had in my car was my softball cleats, so I put those on. For the rest of the night people kept saying things to me like “Slide, slide, slide!”, “You headed for the end zone, buddy?” and “OH MY GOD THAT HURTS SO MUCH HAVING MY SANDALED-FOOT STEPPED ON BY A GUY WEARING CLEATS.”
*Some of my favorite recent concerts: Modest Mouse, Nine Inch Nails/Soundgarden, Cypress Hill, the Orwells, last year’s Big Guava festival with the Pixies, Strokes and TV on the Radio, and speaking of radio, my long-time favorite band Radiohead, who has *finally* annoyed me (by skipping Florida on their 2016 tour). I went seriously old school earlier this year and saw Duran Duran. I’m sure there must be a law against them not playing “The Reflex,” so I hope they have good attorneys. All... he... wants... is... a few songs from “Seven and the Ragged Tiger.”
I like to think of myself as an ordinary guy with the potential to be extraordinary. I'm looking for someone to share the fun times with and am very excited at the thought of meeting someone new who will shake up things in my life.
Turn-offs: Closed-mindedness, Satanic worship (Motley Crue-related events excepted), Pol Pot and toilet paper stuck to the bottom of shoes.