Then be even better tomorrow. I am *like* so honored that you're reading my profile. I mean out of all the profiles you could be checking out and all the things that you could be doing right now (splitting the atom, ending world hunger), you took a second to read my profile. I like you already!
Our story begins once upon a time in Toronto, where I was born and raised, on the playground is where I spent most of my days (some of you may not even know the phrase, but you can STILL say it even 15+ years later). So far, all has been good... je suis en sante, tengo amigos... fingers crossed it all stays that way. The essentials to know are: I have fun whenever I can, keep my ass out of trouble, then work it off to make my cheddar. All in the ongoing quest to live happily ever after!
Ok, so someone's reading this profile and wants to write me. That's cool, that's great. The rabbit hole goes a little deeper cause some will want to write... others want to date. So before lining me up for marriage, we have to do some paperwork. You're already starting to weigh my personality, right? Oh, and heads up - the skin I'm in has a beige hue to it. If you're looking for a guy well done by the Sun, can't help you there. If you're looking for white like an albino... you'll never see me turn beet red when I'm drunk. You have to imagine somewhere in the middle! People come in all shapes and sizes, from all walks of life and are capable of teaching you all kinds of things (yeah... that's a little broad). Of course that means different personalities. It's important for you to be who you are... and if who you are makes me smile, then we're going to have loads of fun! Not saying I'm charging you entertainment for my attention (haha! relax!). Now while it would be awesome if a sexy girl would just fall out of the sky into my lap (I'm a guy so you can't hold that against me), if I don't like your character then it's not going to wash. Then there's that whole appearance business, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that crap, right?
At this point, I have to step away from that train of thought and we have to deal with a little fork in the road. *ribbit* Pretty please choose the path that applies. So yeah... if anywhere on your mail settings appears, "you must have a picture to contact this user" then uhm after I said that, "... and all that crap, right?" in the previous paragraph, I was going to follow with: I don't think I'm hot shit. Quite frankly I break mirrors looking into them, little kids run from me screaming, I don't have all my teeth, I'm grossly obese with sweat and odor problems, it's disgusting really! Can't touch this (that song is priceless... it still cracks me up) frog! I'll turn you into the same. But there are some true freaks out there into my kind willing to risk the transformation so yeah, please skip the rest of this paragraph and then continue on to where I write, "So someone's going to write..." paragraph (it's the next one). Seriously! You gotta skip this right now!!! Ok, so those of you walking the other fork in the road... this is your showcase (you have to watch The Price is Right to get the reference). If that particular mail setting does not appear in your restrictions, then pretend you can hear Vincent Price laughing at the end of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" (maniacal, diabolical laughter... OMG I am so dating myself cause some of you haven't even seen that music video) - you've just hit the mother****ing jackpot!!! (imagine casino bells and noises going berserk). Swearing is for neanderthals, yes... but sometimes you NEED that swearing to punctuate your ****ing luck!!!
So someone's going to write me anyway and say, "Hey! Let me take you out to a fancy dinner!" which is nice, but you don't have to bust your piggy bank to take me anywhere. What exactly I want is flexible and it's still under construction as I learn new things (so look for that list of Interests to change and grow all the time!)... but there's still hope if you're all confused now, because what I DON'T want is far clearer. And it's so simple! If you fit under any of the following categories, I would love you forever and a day if you'd kindly NEVER write me: Crazy, Abusive, Possessive, Post-Operation, Man Eater, High Maintenance, Evil or just a complete villain... it's pretty simple actually, The Usual Suspects (know what's funny? Everybody's on that movie's jock and I've never seen it. I have yet to meet anyone that thinks it's a bad movie).
By now you may be wondering, "Well gee, do I fit into any of these categories?" Good question! The thing is, we live in a world where people are a little (just a little) subjective when it comes to personal descriptions. So if unsure, we can just use a verdict by a jury of your peers! If they can confidently give you any of those labels, then you'd have my sincerest gratitude for not ruining my life! Here's a consolation e-kiss if it turns out you're not my type: Press your cheek (and I'm NOT talking about your ass cheek buddy) up against your computer monitor *MWAH*! Use your imagination! I think I'm pretty good at keeping up with lip balm (but at the very least, I'd lick my lips) so you don't even have to imagine that you got your cheek shredded open by nasty dry lips
I try to improve (come on, you didn't really think I'd cough up that headline without practicing what I'm preaching), so I try to learn something new (no matter what my level of understanding - there are some confusing mental pursuits out there) to make myself a little more rounded (but easier said than done Streetfighter doesn't play itself), play sports, jog or bike to fight my obesity (teehee!), but it's easier said than done. Thankfully this life has many days in it... so one step at a time! Ahh... and now that the coast is clear, this is the part where I'll carefully plant (you have to imagine me slowly placing it on the table): those of you that live and die by pictures, you have to twist my arm. The coolest thing about the arm twist is that it's so easy! All you have to do... is ask!! Neat huh (And that's no game! At least I know if you're asking you've read enough to get an idea of what you're getting into!)? Between me and you, sometimes I want to ask for my own phone number! Haha! "Damn you! You tricked me into reading this far when all you had to do was plaster your pics up in the first place so that I wouldn't have read your 'about me' section!!!"
People have got sh*t to do. Lives to live and all that jazz. I will only appear to you once (I know, I know! I'm terrible! "I need more time!!!"). Cause I think it's ****ing annoying when you got someone chasing you down and you're like, "Jesus Christ! We're NOT compatible don't you get it??? I'm liberal; You're conservative! I work for Wal-mart; You OWN Wal-mart (Inappropriate trysts with the boss are a no-no folks)! I'm a cartoon; you're not! I'm black; YOU'RE black!"
Why, watch the Usual Suspects of course!
Oh brother... you don't understand that do you? Tsk, tsk! You didn't read my profile!!! Do you know how mean that is? That's the equivalent to going on a date, I spill my guts out (insider information that will help you a ton during your guy hunt: we LOVE talking and sharing good conversation) and then finding out you were just staring at my breasts or my ass. Clearly you can see you're making me feel very cheap...
I mean, how am I going to know if you're actually listening to me whenever I'm telling you about some drama between me and my best friends?
For those of you thinking intimate encounter, while I appreciate the thought (again, I'm a guy), I'd ask that you just be on your way. Not that you're not cute (all that sex is making you glow, you sexy beast!!!), it's just that I'd prefer to get HIV the right way... by sharing heroin needles of course! Come on... even a little (you have to pretend I'm holding my thumb and index really, really, really close together... but not touching!) emotional investment makes bedroom sports so much more fun (yeah, yeah, that's so not a guy thing to say, I really appreciate all you people that send me messages busting my balls)!
Alright, I think that about covers the bases. Be good to people, but be good to yourself as well. This life has a funny way of humbling the ignorant. I'll try to write everyone back... within my power (if I have the time on my hands and I'm not busy saving the world) and knowledge (that's if I can even answer your questions... anyone wanting to discuss marine biology, nature of black holes or have conversations in Russian will have to forgive me as I haven't made up any cheat sheets for an intelligent discussion).
Thanks for taking the time to read all of this... to take a moment and get to know someone you've never met is a whole bunch of adjectives. I'll give you "thoughtful" (first one that came to mind). You're no worse... and maybe a little better. Those of you that were hugely disappointed at my manner, vulgarity or anything else... would you accept, "sorry?" (what? you expected me to say something rude?)