hi yea, well what can i say? i'm in the process of relocating from England to NZ to start a new life post divorce! I am in the 'medical profession' but my real love is writing, i have three wonderful lads, my youngest two relocating with me,its not the first time i have achived this as i lived in the USA for a while as well, so i suppose im having to start again from scratch on the social front, ergo on here! i love salsa dancing, sailing and just about anything!
i have a wicked sense of humor and a love of the absurd, unusual or down right bizzare! only those with an equally dark sense of humor should read further!
Name: Nicola, Mom, Mummy, Oi you or The **** (ex-husband’s favoured)
Sex: Female, but prefer males… sadly only had a rabbit recently…
Marital status: Separated 1yr/Divorce in progress (know a good lawyer?)
Date of Manufacture: 1970, warranty invalid.
Dependents: Three Boys; late-teenage sh*tbag, insufferable pre-teen & terrible toddler.
Owner driver with full UK Licence & 9yrs+ No Claims (we won’t mention the 3 speeding fines though). Experience in driving a verity of vehicles from an Ambulance, campervan to long wheel based Luton with a tail lift – for when I couldn’t afford a removal company! plus extensive experience in driving on the ‘wrong side of the road’ while resident in the United States. I would like to have a Motor bike licence, and the ‘biker’ & leather to go with it.
lonely: Large mortgage owner, two resident children, oldest having swanned off to University to shirk any home life responsibilities, 50% custody of small dog, why couldn’t I have got just 50% of the kids as well?
Social drinker (as in- you wanna be social, then buy me a drink!), Non- smoker (as the local dealers wont supply me anymore), cutting sarcasm, dark humour, allergy to all house work, occasionally outspoken, overtly adventurous, dangerously flirtatious & over compensates for shyness by being a loud mouthed cow.
Key Life skills:
Always late, forgets birthdays & anniversaries, lazy, untidy, unreliable, poor time keeping, loses thing just put down, late bill payer, self- indulgent, un-guided, often lost, poor map reader, worse driver, crap at reverse, undecided, un-fashionable, un-co-operative, critical, cynical, flatulent, fuzzy headed, has ‘blond moments’, forgets to shave legs unless on a date! dreary, complicated, expensive, un-motivated, disloyal, bitter, twisted, un-confident, loner, argumentative, pessimistic, un-caring, thoughtless, disrespectful, provoking, piss artist, day dreamer, passionate and insufferably right all the time!
Demonstrated Life Abilities:
Fully IT & Web literate: signed up to multiple singles sites and proficient in the use of the web cam for ‘internet sex’! Can use Word/Power Point /Outlook /Publisher and pretend to understand Excel. Ability to instantly ‘lose files’ and delete photos without apparently pushing a button, forget passwords on a frequent basis for internet banking, however maintain a guarded all night vigil on eBay items and burn plastic while internet shopping!
Manage own household while as a single parent maintain both Maternal and Paternal pastoral roles (I feel my parenting is akin to the Egyptian philosophy for building the pyramids, anything can be achieved with totalitarian leadership and large whips).
Ability to care for small children’s neglected pets, dog walk, clean rabbit hutches & other small animal cages, hand rear a family of hamsters & provide a flotation system for a sickly goldfish. I have also been known to provide very sensitive & well regarded pet funerals.
Keenly motivated & well rounded in most pre-high school curricula and ability to homework research projects as diverse as comparing urban & sub urban areas, the inner working & physics behind the bathroom scale, to the life and times of George Barnard Shaw, David Lynch & Marta Hari!
Make ‘costumes’ at very short notice out of next to nothing… a roman centurion made from an old shirt, tea bag, half tin of silver car spray paint & cereal boxes won first prise!
Set the Satellite television recorder system & upload an ipod, but still cant program the dam video (thank god their redundant!)
Multi task, be in two places at once, mend grazed knees, patch sore paws, cook a meal in less than 10 minutes for 10 unexpected teenage quests, manage accounts (as in I have an account and its always empty so its ‘managed’ to stay in the red!) & sit up all night with a sick toddler & still be functional for work the next day.
Be extremely tolerant, negotiate & peace make between conflicts while remaining unbiased & neutral, but still be able to provide a sound clip round the ear when required!
Be kind hearted and collect stranded family members who have missed the last train home at 2am or drive 50miles to take an injured wild animal found by one’s own young child to the relevant rescue centre & then pay the Vet fee to have the animal mended to alleviate the emotional anguish of the small sobbing child, all without (audible) complaint and a stiff smile!
I don’t have time for hobbies or outside interests as I’m always running about after every other sod! If people picked up after them selves occasionally and made an effort I might just have the time to finish reading the DaVinci code, 2yrs after everybody else or at least finish the Sun crossword!
Other interests include, sleeping in, sex if available, annoying people, taking the piss, having 2 hours alone, to myself, when the children are at school! Eating ice cream and more recently I have taken great pleasure in taking my ex-husband ‘to the cleaners’!
Ambitions for the future:
My future aim would like to piss of to the other side of the world, to somewhere less cold and damp and leave all the freeloaders in my life behind!