I am the girl your mother never told you about as a child because she didn't want to scare the bejesus out of you. I find that the rest of my profile is best read in a Christopher Walken voice.
I am pretending to write something here since nobody actually reads this after they see the picture only to continue onto writing tard-o-licious emails. I am pretty well-educated, some say witty, and will use that to make fun of any retarded email www.27bslash6.com style. Though souls are tasty, I am not here looking for my "Soul Mate" which really means 'someone you marry though you hate them but feel you need to get married' because everyone must get married after 25 or be decapitated by their mother. I do however believe in chemistry. Especially when I inject you with my neurotoxin so you can't fight back and then i can lay my eggs down your throat and turn you into a man slurpee......oh whoops, i mean then we can go for a long walk on the beach after a candle-lit dinner. I am not looking for random sex with someone. No matter how much your mother tells you how sexy you are, I am not going to meet you for cheap crappy sex! I am just looking for interesting and fun people in general. Must make me laugh, be educated, take care of themselves and enjoy life.I notice an abundance or girls and guys have ascii art on their profile like this is some sort of geocities myspace page that a 15 year old is making. Seriously guys stop it.
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Warning: Contains noxious amounts of sarcasm. If you are of a dimwitted nature or a retard please use care when reading this profile. Do not operate heavy machinery nor place near an open flame as contents are highly flammable. May have unsavory side effects of ego crushing, blatant name calling and spontaneous abortions. Void where prohibited.
* Please spell things CLOSE to how they sound in the English language. The use of letters and numbers as words should be reserved for 15 year old cheerleaders in a pregnancy pact. Your inability to read and write is not a selling point. If you have to complain about how my profile requires actual reading, please go back to watching your nascar/jersey shore/lilwayne stories.
* Do not expect me to have sex with you just because you ask nicely...Does that work at Kwik-E-Mart by the slushy machine when you ask? Please reserve this sorta hijinx for desperation hour like everyone else.
* I do not care how cute you are and how many women you score in a day, Manos hands of fate....No I will not send you naked pictures. No I will not drive to your house and have sex with you. They have websites for that where women cost 50 roses. Anything less then 50 roses usually means they have hook hands and a pegleg.
* If you are going to show me pics of your flesh-ness-monster or your cam, please make sure you are well endowed with a bangin body. No I don't want to see your blood trumpet if you are small and it is attached to a hairy beer gut. Please get off the cam and wait for the Rohypnol to kick in with your date before you whip out your man-jelly machine.
* Please refrain from sending me pics of your weeniswand before I see your face, generally when I go out on a date I don't like to ask the room of dudes to drop trou in order for me to recognize you. As much as porn will have you believe, first dates shouldn't play out like Debbie does Sausagefest 24. I would hope if you go to a place where you see a pretty girl you don't just release the knuckle-children cannon out in front of her expecting some sort of compliment/putdown/slap-in-face/tow-rope reaction. Lets save C-o-c-k-slapping and ball busting for the 3rd date.
* If I do not demand you stop wearing your members only jacket and your crew shirt with an alligator on the front or your ed hardy wardrobe including excessive spray tan then don't tell me how much you want me to wear that electric pink rubber cat suit and rollerskates. If you expect me to wear my cooking outfit, you may want to stock up on health insurance and alot of iceyhot.
* I respond to pictures. Yes I look like mine. I care about how YOU TAKE CARE of your body and YOURSELF. Please do not send me pictures from when you were with the boys in 'Nam, or the 1 grainy picture of your chest back during highschool football/wrestling. I take care of myself and expect you to do the same in order to relate to me! I like people who are physically active. And no, LARPING and MASTURBATING are not a form of exercise, no matter what the interwebz says.
* If you just now got out of a long-term relationship or went through a divorce 5 minutes ago please give it time before you contact me. I already have plenty of crazy exes, I don't need yours too. Please do not drone on and on about your ex to the point of making me wish we could go back to talking about a less terse and boring conversation like how your cat has empathic powers and has a human soul.
* If you send me something canned please don't make it so obvious. Stop sending me your weekly canned response that is still the same email you concocted one drunk night back in 1999 which you are too lazy to update or fix the bad spelling errors in. If it is canned please do not make is so boring and long that I can't respond because I have stabbed my eyes out with a bar of soap I whittled into a shank while I read your masterpiece.
* Do not try to convert me into your cult/religion in the first email. I am an atheist, if you don't like it find another girl who goes to your spiritual colon cleansing meet and greets or your AA meetings. No, I do not hate your church or the people who attend, just your disrespectful pushy attitude and your 1972 mullet.
* Bipolar disorder afflicts millions of Americans. It is a
disorder, not a method to pickup chicks with. Please refrain from violent outbursts until I start dating you.
* No I don't want to have sex with you and your husband/girlfriend/submissive/mom/your dog buttons/the McPoyal Family/smarmy boyfriend you are trying to have a threesome with to make him happy/save your marriage/sacrifice your vagina to the gods. This is a dating site, not a swingerfest equipped with a potluck buffet and slutty swingers with no real standards. I wouldn't have sex with you if you are single why would i do it with another person involved, sex isn't a pyramid scheme no matter how many people you recruit. I am bisexual, this doesn't mean I have low standards and sleep around. So no, we really don't have anything in common. Calling me sweety, honey, or some other douchey flattery name as if you know me won't change my mind. I reserve my 'drunken sex swinging drug addled binging' for college and Vegas. Unless is it swingin-sex train Tuesday.
Conversation Starters (i.e. what you'd like to do on a first date...)
If the rules above have offended you obviously they apply to you. They are not rules, just a matter of etiquette as to how you should treat people in general whether in person or on the internet. If you feel this etiquette is too tedious then please go to realdolls dot com to find you a date, please have your mastercard/visa/discover ready.
Once my uncle told me he went to a slaughter house, punched a horse in the head knocking it out, used a pencil to puncture its neck, filled a cup of its blood then drank it, then fainted and when he came too, he said he saw the devil. Old people are really weird.
So probably avoid slaughter houses, meat packing plants and your basement. But if I like you, I may make room for you in my basement, and if you are really special I will keep you in a box under my bed.